I have twin 13 year old step daughters and for the past couple of years one of them has stopped coming around (except for Christmas and her birthday). I have always picked them (lately just one of them) up from school twice every week, but the other day the one that doesn't come over any more called and told her dad that if he wanted to see her then he would have to pick her up from school because it is his job. My husband did not take that little demand very well and told me he was not going to let a 13 year old child tell him what to do. My question is...should we back down and give her what she wants?
Alot of what has gone on is due to the mother. She has been jealouse of my relationship with the girls, they use to say they want to look like me and live with us...but now one of them can't stand to be around us and has asked her dad if he would let her stepdad adopt her, of coarse he told her no.
2007-09-18 03:18:42 · 9 answers · asked by Alliance Kicks Horde Butt 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think your husband should spend some one on one time with his daughters. They are obviously searching for closer contact with their Dad. It's really hard to feel "parented" when you don't live with a parent. I'm not saying let her dictate when/how/if there will be contact. If there's visitation agreement, make her stick to it. It's not a choice. I think the troubled one in particular is just craving more closeness with her Dad.
2007-09-18 03:52:17 · answer #1 · answered by Ms. Mimsie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a step child. All grown up now of course. But I do know mothers put allot of things in children's heads. How would you feel as a mother if your daughters wanted another woman to mother them? So you can't put total blame on her either. 13 is an awkward age. Maybe your step daughter needs something more from your husband. Maybe if he did pick her up from school every now and then to show that he really does care, and to spend some special quality time with them that does not include you. I do not see how this is taking a demand from a child. But perhaps a cry for attention they want from their dad. Good luck with everything.
2007-09-18 05:08:59 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is right - a 13 yo should not put demands as to what they will or will not do. You husband may want to spend some time alone with her to find out what the problem is and what caused it. Maybe the girl is jealous because her mom is nothing like you and she feels guilty. 13 is an age where kids are testing their boundries - and they will test you! Your husband should have a "date" with his daughter (or daughters) and take them to dinner and just talk to them to find out the root of the problem. She may feel neglected and just need some one on one time with dad. My husband and daughter had problems (he is the step-dad) so he took her out - movie and dinner and they had a long talk. Now, 7 years later, you could not pry them apart because he takes the time to let her know she is special. Maybe your husband just needs to remind her that she is special to him but can not control what happens in her life all the time. As for the stepdad adopting her, no, don't ever give in to that. She is probably just testing him to see if he does love her - no one really knows what the mom has said behind closed doors.
2007-09-18 03:31:18 · answer #3 · answered by Love being a Mom 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
All kinds of things could be going on in that child's head at this age & with her life as it is. She could be trying to differentiate herself from her sister. Maybe she's getting pressure from mom. Maybe it's just hormones or boys or peers. It's a weird time of life for any kid - let alone a twin girl with divorced/remarried parents.
As stepmom, you've got a kind of edge here, over the parents. As long as you've presented yourself as neutral in the parental wars and supportive of her relationship with both parents, you might be a good person for her to bounce her feelings off of, as she works through whatever she's working through. She knows you as someone who cares about *her*, not someone who has some kind of controlling interest in her.
Try writing to her in a journal. You write on the first page something like, "Hey, kid, what's up? I'm worried about you & wondered if you wanted to talk." Maybe include a little bit about what's worrying you, and how special she is to you. Then, ask her to write back.
Give her some space, as she tries to work it all out. Keep on treating her with respect, but giving her direction & boundaries in a loving way. She'll come around.
2007-09-18 03:44:25 · answer #4 · answered by Maureen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since your the step parent...really anything you do is going to be wrong in her eyes. Sad but true. What happens needs to happen as a result of your husband stepping in. I think that someone needs to stand up to the girl and put her back in her place...she needs to know that you care and love her and that you enjoyed picking her up and that's why you did it..
Good luck
2007-09-18 03:59:22 · answer #5 · answered by Perennial Queen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im telling you this little girl doesnt mean what she is saying and theres not much telling what her mother is telling her to make her feel this way, and she should know she is hurting no one ,but her daughter, she is seeking out attention and scurity from her father and yes he needs to drop everything hes doing to give that back to her and let them do this alone and then work yourself in there , she is hurting and if i were you i would go myself and ask her if she needs time alone to talk with her father and by doing this yourself it will open her feelings up toward you better and explain to your husband this , because men are drifferent about understanding things and if you really love and care about your marriage then please get a good relationship with his children .goodluck
2007-09-18 03:38:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well let me tell you that hes the dad. if he wants to see them i agree let him pick them up. i know what that is likeits the kdis asking not the mom she probably could care less. but the kids are upset cause hes not there. sure its fine but remember you are always step and that will never change no matter how nice you are so yep, they are right had nothing to do with mom but you can pin it on her if you need somethign to complain about. its his right not yours to ick them up.
2007-09-21 14:05:05 · answer #7 · answered by Tsunami 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok..... She is 13. Do you think she knows what she wants ? Soon she is going to be a rebellious 16. Right now try to do what is good for "her". Adult emotions aside.
2007-09-18 03:29:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
they are teenager and they think they will betray their mother if they have good relation with you
2007-09-18 07:21:43 · answer #9 · answered by mirka_1412 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋