how do i tell mother to to stop trying to run my life.?

Question

my mother keeps trying to make me let my daughter back into my life when i just cant do it. my daughter has allways been my mums pet ,when she was 14 she stole the money my husband had been saving to buy us a new car she spent it on mobile phones and drugs . my mum said it was our fault for not giving her some attention i had just suffrerd a stillbirth.at 17 she got pregnant by a drug dealer and lives with him now although she swears she doesent do drugs now and my mum believes her . i worry myself sick because she is so thin and shackes all the time . i decided to cut her out of our lives for my own sanity i have other kids to look after but my mum keeps on at me to to speak to her again and telling me about my grandson who the father wount let me see even though i gave them lots of money in the begining.i dont no what to do my daughter plays mind games with everybody to make them feel sorry for her . she is 20 now i have tried to give her all the love in the world what do i do now

Answer 1

Tell your mother exactly how you feel like you have done to us all here. I dont think you should completely close the door to your daughter just leave it ajar. While ever you try to change your daughter she will dig her heels in further. The truth will out and soon everyone will find out about her silly little school girl games. Your mother needs to stop trying to tell you how to behave with your children. Like you said quite rightly you have others to think about and if your mother cannot accept the way you feel about it then maybe she should join your daughter because you dont need the added pressure and stress this is causing you.

Answer 2

Clearly you and your mom share something in common and that is the love you both have for your troubled daughter. However, you are trying to give the tough love approach (which I do not disagree with) while your mom is allowing your daughter to run into her arms and coddling her. This is clearly not helping your daughter when the both of you are on different ends of this issue. The best thing to do is to sit down and discuss with your mom that it's not a matter of who gets to be right or wrong but more of an issue of how the both of you can form a powerful team together to help this young woman and essentially her small child. I would even strongly consider some professional help to guide the family through this ordeal.

If your daughter doesn't come around and make the necessary changes then the family needs to consider the welfare of her child. He should not at all be living in a home with drugs and lord knows what else. This is where child protective services need to be brought into the picture.

As for your approach thus far...don't beat yourself up for it or allow anyone else to do so. You have tried and you really can't allow such actions to be around your younger children who could interpret it as you condoning such behaviors and fall into the same path.

Answer 3

I'm reading some of these answers coming in , and I'm thinking to myself....you've got to be kidding me, right? Your mom is absolutely 100% right. How/Why is not the issue here. This is your daughter! Cutting her out of your life is not the answer. No - you don't have to be accepting of her chosen life style; No - you don't have to enable her by given her money; and NO - you don't have to expose the other kids.
What you should do is keep those lines of communication open for HER sake. Being a parent has never been easy.
You cant control what your children do. Continue to give her all the love that you have and if you can't handle the stress of this situation, may I suggest prayer. All things are possible with God, and the power of prayer can move mountains.
Your daughter needs you. Being a parent doen't stop just because she has moved out of your house.

Answer 4

I'm really sorry about your daughter.

Sometimes we have to set boundaries with others, who try to disrupt our lives with problems. I know that you are worried for your daughter, also.

Perhaps someday, when she's not living with a drug dealer, and can show she has her life together, you may change your mind... until then you have your own personal boundaries and limits and you have the right to set them, hon.

You seem to have realized that giving money doesn't solve problems, either.

Your mother my never understand your choices, and if she wants to remain a part of your daughter's life right now, that's her choice.... I sure hope things work through for everyone's happiness someday, and that you and your daughter might reconcile. For now, do what you have to in order to protect yourself and those other children. I think you're doing the best you can.

take care.

Answer 5

Wow, I can see where your coming from but, don't cut her off completely. Sit down with your Mother and Daughter. Tell both of them that you will not let your daughter come back into your life unless she gets off drugs go in a treatment program etc. Let her know that there are other kids to worry about and that your tired of giving and she doesn't help herself and always comes running to you to pick her up. She's 20 and she should be able to make a way for herself. Don't rely on herself to get out of a jam. she needs to stand on her own 2 feet from now on.

Answer 6

Remind your Mother that your daughter is an adult and so are you.
No-one has the right to dictate to you how you live your life. Look after the family you have, your daughter has made her bed, let her lie in it.
It is a shame about your grandson but we all have things we aren't happy about.
Be tough.

Answer 7

keep trying the tough love
there's no rule that says you have to keep dealing with unnecessary mess from your daughter
you can never do more for her than she can do for herself
she has to realize that she need help
she have to want help
she have to get help
dealing with a person that refuse to live in this place called reality is a trap into poor health
the only thing you can do for your grandson is to introduce them to a social worker because giving her money is only providing her with a source to get high

good luck and my heart goes out to you

Answer 8

Tell your mum to butt out.

be blunt.

then tell your daughter your there for the grandchild but nothing else and if she chooses to move away from the drug scene your with her 100%.

Answer 9

Your mum's right!

No matter what sh*t your daughters got up to, your her mum and you should always be there for her no matter what, it's your job!

Answer 10

Tell her to butt out or she'll loose you as a daughter.