Don't you think this is the best complaint letter ever? (copy sent to me by a friend in Canada)?

Question

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resul

resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to

bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who

are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your

are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for

the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John

(SORRY I HAVE PASTED 2 PARAGRAPHS TWICE. PLEASE PERSIVERE AND READ IT . IT IS WONDERFUL.

Answer 1

That is THE greatest moment in the history of Yahoo! Answers. Absolute Brilliance!

Answer 2

If someone had the intention of requesting customer support, this is certainly the most ineffective splattering of the English language I could imagine. There is of course the totally unnecessary attempt of
trying to edit an already overly redundant waste of time.

While there are one or two catch phrase quotes possibly decipherable from this correspondences, it is hardly worth the effort to again search for them. There is in the long run, the matter of giving those of us with insomnia an opportunity to tire ourselves sufficiently to sneak off to bed.

Answer 3

Absolutely wonderful, I wonder if I would have the nerve to use some of those phrases next time I have to write a letter of complain! I've added the question to my watch list, just in case I feel I can do it!
The letter is on this site along with some other contenders:

http://www.the-scream.co.uk/forums/t18211.html

Answer 4

In all fairness as an ex customer of the aforementioned Supplier of internet and phone facilities it is perhaps a trifle understated. Actually it's brilliant and I'm still laughing my appendages off. Cheers for that.

Answer 5

Pretty well sums it up, how any company can be that incompetant (and they are not alone in this) and still make millions every year is beyond comprehension. Overcharging for services is the only way that it can be done.

Answer 6

Well that's given me the best laugh of the day, and we know who to avoid in future, and i totally agree about BT another bloody shower, not worth a salt.

Answer 7

I would like to say that I may be borrowing certain lines from this letter for the rest of my life when communicating with certain organisations.

Thanks for making me laugh!

Answer 8

I like it. I'd say thats not the first letter of complaint NTL has received.

Answer 9

Yep, and it's completely accurate when it comes to cable companies everywhere unfortunately. :(

Answer 10

Just great