and i feel totally helpless. she is a young, successful business woman. but over the last year, she has gone from being my carefree, loving, strong, independent sister to someone i hardly even recognize.
she seems to live & breathe for his approval. in my opinion, he is extremely judgmental and critical of her every move. & rather than being offended, she accepts it and explains: "he is a really good judge of character, if it wasn't true he wouldn't say it". he has also convienced her that she is the source of all their problems. WTF??
we weren't raised that way. our parents raised us to be strong, independent women. so what happened? how can i tactfully bring this up to her - without alienating her? lately, i feel it has been really difficult to talking to her about him, because she tells him everything.
he also convienced her to back out of her best friends wedding. (she was the maid of honor)
how do i talk to her - without pushing her further into his arms?
2007-09-17 21:32:54 · 6 answers · asked by young, black & gifted 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
i wish i could give you all the best answer. everyone gave very insightful & supportive responses.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
2007-09-17 23:33:22 · update #1
You feel totally helpless, because in reality, you are!
When anyone falls under the spell of a critical, controlling person such as you describe, nobody can do anything about it except the person being controlled. Your sister has to wake up to what is happening, see it for herself, before any change will happen.
It's particularly difficult in her case because this is not just a friendship, the girl is IN LOVE with the controlling guy. Anything anyone says to her that is critical of him will only have the effect of confirming her loyalty to him as she defends his behaviour. And that, of course, makes it very difficult for you, as her sister, to get across the message you desperately want her to hear.
This happens sometimes when parents are certain that their son or daughter's chosen partner in life is completely wrong for them. If they're wise, they keep quiet, knowing that anything they say that is critical will simply increase their offspring's determination to have the girl/man of their choice whatever anyone else thinks about it. In that situation, the person just doesn't HEAR what is being said.
Parents who volunteer their disapproval and criticism risk so confirming their son/daughter's determination that they go ahead with the marriage and later bitterly regret it. But if they have not spoken, they also risk blame when the relationship falls apart - "Why didn't you TELL me?" So the parents, and in this case, you, as a sister, are in a no-win situation, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Only you can decide if it's worth pursuing it with your sister, because you know her better than anyone. You say your parents raised you to be "strong, independent women" - but your sister has abdicated that independence of judgement because she's in love.
I wish that I could give you a magic formula that would release her from his spell - but there isn't one. You can only hope that at some point before she and her boyfriend make a formal commitment, he will do or say or demand of her something that oversteps the mark, and that she will realise his true nature before it's too late.
wimsey
2007-09-17 22:11:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her honestly. Tell her that you are worried because you see her sad.
She is going to get on the defensive.
Just tell her that it's ok, maybe it's just your impression and you just want her to know should she ever need to chat you are there.
I know that kind of people, they take control of other people to feel powerful. Your sis does not necessarily have to dump him, but she must realize there is a relashionship problem and she MUST make a stand NOW: those kind of problem in a relationship are just like wounds: if you leave them untreated they rot. Try see how HE reacts even to a light criticism that he can't blame on your sis.
staymay is right: he is probably isolating her, so taht she will feel without other support than him. Bring her out for a all girls night and watch how he reacts.
Hope well for you.
2007-09-18 13:50:38 · answer #2 · answered by Ant-lion 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I really hate to say this, but coming from someone that has been through that type of relationship, the more you put him down, the more she is going to try and convince herself that he is the opposite of what you say. The best thing you can do is to be there for you sister, and let her know that. Try to continue having a relationship with her, and don't let him alienate her from her family. Try to stay an active role in her life, and eventually he will try to pull you two apart, not to mention pulling her away from the rest of her family. Go to her with your problems and let her know, without pushing the topic, that she can do the same with you. And hopefully, one day, hopefully before the wedding, she will wake up and realize what kind of person he is, and that she doesn't need to spend the rest of her life with someone like that and that there are better men than that out there. That was how I snapped out of it.
2007-09-18 04:54:58 · answer #3 · answered by harleyq_21 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Now, that's a tough one! I am glad she has the support of such a nice sister :-)
You are right in being worried that confronting her with this might push them even closer together and alienate you, so it has to be done very carefully...hmm.....he does sound very controlling and has really taken her independence, so what is probably the most important thing to do is to ensure she maintains a life (friends, hobbies, interests, family) outside of him because often in these unhealthy relationships the person is slowly isolated away from everything else untl they become solely dependent on their partner.
She needs to realize that he is not the only thing that matters in her life, that she is capable without him. Keep inviting her to do things with you and to see other friends to make sure that she doesn't cocoon herself with him and start to shut others out, then you'll never get let back in.
If this guy is as manipulative as he sounds, he will slowly wean her away from family and friends so be on the guard for that. He would be happy if you and your sister have a fight about this so tread so carefully because he would fuel that fire.
Try and boost her confidence so she feels worthy (and less reliant on his approval)....try and do things that remind her of her old self and how independent she used to be. Bring up memories of things she'd done in her past so she doesn't lose sight of her "old" self.
I would also "get to know your enemy" - if this guy is a bad guy then he will try and push you away, so do the opposite, try and get to know him better, be friendly to him, get him to open up. Getting to know him better then you will understand the way he operates better and his true motives. Then you will know what you are dealing with for sure...if he's just a bit manipulative or if he's a totally bad person, but you need to find out what he's like before you know how to handle this. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!
Most of all, be there for your sister, if she tells him everything then tell him first! Don't give him the chance to bad-mouth you behind your back....involve him in conversations or things you tell her so that he can't twist situations around against you.
Most of all, good luck....try and keep your sister involved in doing more things outside of her relationship and she should not become so dependent on this guy. Also, it's vital that she realizes that other guys are still interested in her - often women in these damaging relationships believe that they would never find someone else to love them so keep her aware that other guys would date her, that this guy is not the only one available!
I hope it works out :-)
2007-09-18 04:46:02 · answer #4 · answered by HC123 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I wish I could tell you there is something you can do. The truth is the more you push against the relationship the closer they will become. You can talk to her until you are blue in the face but nothing compares to the pillow talk they share. (pillow talk is a mutha)
My advise would be don't push just let her see for her self. Be prepared to be there for your sis with open arms when or if the relationship fails. Everyone has to make their own mistakes. This is one she is obviously going to make for herself. If she is safe and not physically abused you just have to like it if she loves it.
My sister is married to a guy like that. Whenever my mom rants and raves about the dog he is, we don't hear from my sis for weeks and weeks.
I know you have heard the phrase "
Friends Close Enemies Closer"
In that couple you have a friend and an enemy in order to know whats going on in her life you have to keep them close and not push her away or things will really get bad. Don't let them push you away either (because that's next on his list)
God Bless
2007-09-18 08:51:32 · answer #5 · answered by staymay 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow. this guy's a jerk. is she normally an insecure woman? has she dated many men? his attitude is a definate red flag for future issues. it sounds as though she's making excuses for him because she know's that what he's doing is wrong. i'd try talking to her again. really, she needs to admit to herself that he's not a good guy. maybe you could make a recording of him and play it back to her. maybe then she'll see him for what he is.
good luck with this. i hope all works out.
2007-09-18 10:06:00 · answer #6 · answered by racer 51 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋