my mom and dad died, my cousin is my guardian...spanks?

Question

my mom and dad died a little over 6 months ago. my 2nd cousin (who is 32) is my next guardian so she is like a parent sort of. I am 15 and when i do things that are wrong she spanks me. i'm so frustrated with her. i guess i've been arguing and backtalking a lot. last week i snuck out with my boyfriend when she told me not to go anywhere and got home late (wrong i know) i got home and she was really mad she told me to go to her room and wait for her. i argued and yelled at her but then i finally did what she told me. she got in there and freaking pulled me over her lap and SPANKED me. this is not the first time. is this right?

well i mean i love her and i dont want to dissappoint her even though i know that was a bad choice. she's always been my favorite cousin...now its just weird because she's my guardian too.

Answer 1

First of all please accept my sincere condolences on your recent horrible loss.

That being said, you now live in HER house, and if those are her rules, then you will have to accept them. Try to think about it from her perspective. Most people in there early thirties, if they have children, have elementary school aged children. This woman suddenly has a teenager living in her home and is probably overwhelmed. You are not a little girl, you are a young lady. Start acting like one and maybe she will start treating you like one.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. Sincerely.

What you need to realize is that getting in trouble with the law could cause social services to question whether your cousin is a fit guardian. And you definitely risked getting in trouble with the cops when you snuck out.

You don't want to risk getting bounced around amongst family members or even foster care... so please do your best to obey the rules. If she makes a rule you disagree with, ask her to reconsider and state your case, but your point will never be heard if you continue to act like the rules don't apply to you.

You said you realize what you did was a dumb idea... I'm impressed that you realize that.

As far as spanking. Everyone has a theory. I'm personally in favor of it. I have a 14 yr old that I hadn't spanked since she was ten, but I recently resurrected corporal punishment becuase I felt it was necessary to drive home the point that certain rules are not negotiable.

Answer 3

It sounded like you deserved a spanking the way you acted towards your cousin. She did the right thing in giving you a spanking. Personally, I think 15 may be too old, but if that is what it takes to get you acting your age then I say it is ok. The only thing worse would have been (which it doesn't say) would be having her tell you to bare your bottom for the spanking.

Answer 4

I am sorry that your parents died and I know that it must be very hard and that you are hurting. However, your cousin took you in and is supporting you so you really need to show her some respect. She kept you from going to a foster home which I've heard really bites. You should be grateful, not a pain in the neck. There is NOTHING wrong with spanking a out-of-control child as long as it is done on the butt and it doesn't cause welts, bruises or blood.

Answer 5

Its probably because of the way she was raised she probably thinks that's the right way that probably the way her parents did her have you tried talking to her or just doing what she ask compromise tell her that's its not cool to spank you your to old maybe she could think of other means to punish you for your wrong doings i know its hard with your parents gone but trust me I'm going through the same thing an to day is my mothers birthday just think of what they would want you do an think of how hard it must be for your cousin? I'm pretty sure she just wants the best for you but your old enough to defiantly talk to her about the spanking situation!!

Answer 6

YOu know it is not easy being a guardian, and she need to learn and for you it is not easy as well as your parent died. Both of you need to respect each other, for one, you need to accept that she is responsible for you, and she is doing what she knows best. On the other hand, why do something which you know is wrong and yet you are doing it. Doesn't this make the situation worst?
You need to sit and discuss with her, and be honest with her so that she can feel that you can be responsible for yourself.

You are lucky that your cousin even stand up for being your guardian. She could just walk off and could not be bothered about you.

So do behave yourself the next time. Appreciate what she is goingthrough and she will aprreciate you as well..

take care

Answer 7

Sorry to hear of your loss. Your cousin may be your guardian but she is not right to hit you. She is what twice your age? She sure isn't acting like a responsible adult. Next time she lays a finger on you I would remind her that "you might be my guardian and I understand that you only want the best for me, but you have no right to put your hands on me." she is sooo wrong for "over the lap spankings" - your not 5! And don't deliberately do things that you know you shouldn't be doing.
In a nutshell, YES what your cousin is doing IS ABUSE. I definitely recommend not getting smart, yelling, and cursing at her, that is only adding fuel to the fire. I would contact Social Services, or CPS (Child Protective Services), your school counselor can give you more info on these agencies.
Please feel free to email me if ya need someone to talk to!

Answer 8

You're lucky. A long time ago when I was younger, my then teenage sister came home really late one night and tried to sneak in. My mother was waiting up and knocked her upside her head with a baton. My sister never snuck out again after that.

Stop acting like a child and thinking you can do whatever you want to do. You are still young and your cousin deserves some respect. Focus on doing well in school and behave responsibly when going out. You start acting like an adult and you may be surprised to see your cousin start treating you like one.

Answer 9

I think that your cousin needs to have a little understanding about what you are going through in my opinion 15 is a little old for a spanking. However, did you ask if you could go out? I don't think you should be sneaking around act like a kid get treated like one. I know that it is hard having your life turned upside down but you still have a lot of that life left. Don't make mistakes that will only make your life harder. Tell her about your feelings. Like why have you been back-talking, why are you sneaking out. there are reasons for every action I wonder if you know the reason for yours.

Answer 10

First of all, hun, so sorry for your loss.

This is a hard question. Was she wrong to spank you? Well, you clearly needed some kind of discipline. You did the wrong thing and it was a BAD wrong thing. However, at 15, I dunno, I might find that a little over the top.

However, there are a few issues here.

1) You're coping with a big loss, grief takes many forms.
2) You're living with someone who isn't used to being your guardian.
3) Your guardian is taking on a role that she isn't used to, and may also be grieving.

Let's take them one at a time. First, your parents only passed away 6 months ago, and you need time to come to grips with that. I don't know the situation (and don't need to know), but whether the relationship was brilliant or not, this loss will affect you in many ways. Grief is not always constant sobbing. Grief can be acting out in the ways that you have been, as you try to adapt to the changing circumstances in your living situation and as you try to accept that your parents aren't coming back. Yelling and shouting and acting out (And even sneaking around) are often just ways of trying to have some control in what at the moment somewhere in your brain seems like a completely uncontrollable situation.

Second, you're not used to your cousin being your "parental figure", which is harder for you to accept when you clearly had a good, cousin-like relationship before this happened. Having that friend-family relationship level power field, regardless of the age difference, would be hard for you to accept, even on a subconscious level, and some part of you is probably reacting to that.

Thirdly, your cousin also has these feelings, probably. She never expected to have to be your parent. I mean "had to" in the general sense, not in the "she was shoved into it kicking and screaming" sense. In "ordinary" life, kids live with their parents and have cousin relationships with their cousins; they don't have to be their guardian and disciplinarian. And remember if she's your cousin, I'm guessing that she also knew your parents at least a little bit and may be grieving for them herself, and acting out a bit the same way you are. She also may not have any idea how she is supposed to treat a 15 year old whose parents have died... so how to deal with a rebellious teen? She may not have had teens yet and doesn't know how to deal with this from her own experience. And she may be a bit scared-- she doesn't want you turning out badly. If she only has smaller children she might not know what else to do because her own children haven't "evolved" to teen years yet for her to see a natural transition into other methods of discipline. And she isn't sure what she should do, except that if she takes a really hard line maybe you'll come back into line, so to speak, and turn out to be a really good adult, which, as someone who loves and cares about you, she wants.

There are deeper issues here than "Was she right to spank me". You are old enough to talk with her on a man-to-man (pardon the phrase) level and have the two of you sort out what's going on. You're acting up-- do you know why? If not, refer to number 1, and really think about it. Talk to your cousin about how you feel about everything that's happened, and that you may not be on your best behaviour at the moment, but that you really do respect and care about her, you just aren't used to having her in a position of authority. The two of you need to come up with something that works-- as in, come to an understanding about what is expected of both of you during this very difficult transitional time. She's probably wanting a real possibility of resolution to this as you are.

And then, when you're in the middle of it, or at your point of understanding, discuss what repercussions there should be when you DO act up (eg-- no spanking, please-- can you take away my computer, etc?), and how you're going to talk about the actual disobedience/acting up.

You're both going through a lot right now. Spanking isn't the only problem-- that's just a symptom of something deeper for both of you. Have a good heart to heart, honest and realistic, and you may find things change.

Good luck, sweetie, and God bless.

Answer 11

Sorry to hear your parents have died...that must be horrible.

But to answer your question, yes, it is right. There is nothing wrong with spanking as lone as it doesn't leave any bruises or cause injury. And it sounds like you deserved it. Imagine how worried your cousin must have been when she didn't know where you were and you got home late?!
Just start behaving better and you won't get spanked.