Is anyone else offended by the whole "ask dad first" marriage proposal?

Question

I think the idea is offensive and disrespectful to me. I'm fairly certain that my father would feel the same way. I'm not his properly. I'm a grown woman who is completely capable of making her own choices about marriage and choosing a partner.

Asking for the father's permission reflects a time when women were looked at as property, even a burden on men because of a society, run by men, that didn't allow for women to provide for themselves. This is clearly not the case anymore. I find it sickening that people still do this.

Now, when my fiance and I got engaged it was me who brought up the idea that we should get married and we skipped the formalities and ring and just went straight to announcing our engagement, but if he had said he wanted to ask my father, I would have had to have said no on marriage and probably broke up with him right then and there. He wouldn't have been the partner I thought he was. Anyone else?

Answer 1

I depends on the situation. If he has met my family and been accepted by them the entire time we are dating I don't think there is a need to ask at all. I would be offended if he asked in this case as technically he already is part of the family.
If they have never met I would think it good that he has the courage ask something like that from a complete stranger, but still be a little offended.
The exception would be if he asked me to marry him first, told me his intentions to bring it up with my family and then went to them. Doing it in that order shows he cares more about my answer than theirs.

Answer 2

I think it depends on who the dad is. Some dads may not care. Everyone I know would be offended if not asked (I'm 36). We have had this discussion. They all asked their now fathers-in-law and they expect to be asked as well. The all have young kids. The father-daughter relationship is special. Her whole life, he has been the protector, provider, the man in her life. Now he has to let go and trust that her husband will be as good to her as he has been. I don't care how independent you are dads always feel a need to protect their daughters. I think it is sweet and it shows respect for the father. I am going to make sure my now 2 year old daughter knows her fiance had better ask for permission or it will put their relationship off to a bad start. It is just a sign of respect to the father.

Answer 3

I agree. All of my friends husbands asked their fathers permission. Mainly because the fathers expected it. If I were a guy that would scare me about the kind of family I was marrying into. I told my husband not to ask my father if he ever proposed because my parents would not like it. I think it's very outdated and my parents would never have wanted to know I was getting engaged before I did. They were so excited to hear the news from me afterward. My dad is a very kind, generous and caring man who is traditional about most things but would not have cared for beng asked first.

Answer 4

Well, Little Miss Independence, it obviously would not have been the right thing to do in your case. But that's not always the way for everyone.

It might depend on the age of the 'intended'. Also, it is a nice, respectful gesture on the part of the young man - most times, he would not be expecting a 'No' answer anyway.

He might say something like "I am planning on asking Helen to marry me, and I would like to know that we would have your approval". He doesn't have to ask for 'permission'.

Answer 5

We sure didn't look at it in terms of asking for permission at all. It was more for my man to go talk to my mom (my father had passed away), and basically get a blessing from her, that he was serious about marrying me. He was already well loved by her and the family. So he did it as a gesture of respect and love, and I know my mom appreciated it - as did I, because I didn't know he did it til later.
I have two degrees and a good career, and surely didn't marry to have anyone look after me financially. However, some families and cultures have traditions, and I'm glad my husband had the foresight and cojones to do what he did. It was a manly gesture on his part.
You didn't want it done, that's fine. You got the man you wanted, who is good for you.

Answer 6

My husband had the conversation with my Father letting him know that he had all intentions of proposing to me and that if my Father had any advice, words of wisdom, or if he had good reasons for us not to marry that was the time and place for them. I would have been insulted if he didn't ask my Father...even though I was financially independent of my Father and no longer living under his roof it was still respectful. I know that my Father would have seen it as disrespectful had my husband not gone to him first. Call it old fashioned but my Father still looked after me worried about me and cared about me even though I was not living in his house and it was a way for my now husband to basically relieve my Father of his duties and let my Dad know that he was willing to accept the responsibility of caring for me, worring about me and all that. I thought it was sweet and wonderful and it made my Father respect the man I planned on marrying.

Answer 7

My fiance knew that I wanted him to ask my dad's permission, but he is such a gentleman that I know he would have anyways. Of course I am not my father's property, nor am I becoming my husband's property. That is not the point. The point is that it is a sign of respect to the woman's parents that her husband to be is promising to care for and love their most precious gift.

Answer 8

I guess different people look at it differently, I don't see it as me being my dad's property, but I am his daughter, and we are SUPER close, so I would have been offended had my husband NOT asked.

It was a sign of respect for our relationship, not a litteral asking for me. My husband and dad are also pretty close so it was never an issue of my dad saying no or anything like that, but he was very grateful for my husband respecting the special bond me and my dad have.

Maybe it used to mean a trading of property, but I don't think that applies in my case. If its not important to you, then thats fine, but I don't think it should "sicken" you that my husband had respect for my dad.

Answer 9

Well that is one way of looking at it. But I say in a way its a bit of nice thing to have the father or the parents's blessing. Because it signifies to me that I'm going from one protector, which is my dad, to a new proctector and partner. So to me its like the role as just being the "maiden" has got a bit of a promotion because I'm being a full fledged partner to my new husband in all the decision making processes of our life.

Besides that I see it as a great sign of respect that the guy would go to my dad and ask for my hand in marriage. I mean its a given I'm going to say yes. But the fact that he wants my family's approve is endearing to me as wll. I would totally do the same thing if I were a guy and promise to make my wife as happy as much as I can and see to her well being. Respectable and honorable as I see it.

Answer 10

I'm sorry that you're so put off by the idea. I assume you will not have your father walk you down the aisle and you won't be taking your husband's last name? (Just curious - I won't be taking my future husband's last name either.)

To me, it's not so much about asking the father's permission as it is letting the family know of your intentions. My brother proposed to his gf last Christmas and talked to her parents (not just her dad) first. He TOLD them he was going to ask her to marry him at Christmas and that sort of thing. He didn't ask their permission.

If her dad had said he didn't want him to propose, my brother probably would've done it anyway. It wasn't meant to be a request but a common courtesy to let the parents know.

I actually think this is quite admirable. I'm sorry you're so offended by the idea that you would dump a (supposedly) otherwise great man.