divorced parents should i just suck it up for my childs sake or put my foot down?

Question

Ok been divorced 3 yrs with 8 yr old daugher. The last 2 yrs i had my own b-party for my daugher with my family and she loved it.Well now my ex wants to combine our parties to just one and has my daugher all pumped up about it without asking me about it 1st.I asked my daugher if it was her idea and she said no it was her moms.The problem with this is my ex and current gf do not get along(plus i really can't stand being around my ex for what she has done to me..long story).So i really don't want to do this but my child is all excited about this do to her mom.

Answer 1

suck it up. Plain and simple. But let her mom know that your gf will be there, and that they are to be on polite terms. For the sake of your daugheter you should work on improving your realtionship with your ex. Have you tried family counseling, its not just for married couples ya know.

Answer 2

Okay,I have read some of the responses and honestly you can't always suck it up. Especially if you can't stand the person(been there done that) If you would like to attempt it just once and see how it works,go ahead,perhaps it's worth it,when you see the happy smile on your childs face. Or you and your EX can ruin her special day,by becoming nasty with each other,even fighting,arguing disagreeing infront of her. Then,this is where you will have drama and this combinding the party might become a nightmare. Your daughter is 8 yrs old and she is getting older every birthday. Like I said it's worth a try to see how it goes,but perhaps you and your ex, should sit down,dispite the hate,and talk about it. Even have the child sit in and talk if possible. You both need to see that if you don't get along when your together it might be bad and your daugther doesn't need that. You know how it is,your GF will be sitting with your daughter and they will be getting along and here comes the "ex" with jealousy and anger in her eyes and "BANG" it's a Jerry Springer moment. Fact is,it could turn ugly and the child doesn't need to see that. You both should explain to this child at some time,that you and mommy don't always get along. The longer you and her put on a show for her,the more it will affect her in the long run when she realizes the truth. Talk to the ex,let her know her idea sounds very nice and that your daughter loves it,and it's worth a try,but if it becomes awkward,there should be no bad words or stares at the party,but let it be known it did not work out. Let her see you don't want to argue. If it does not work out,she will be the first one to blame it on you(and it wasn't even your idea). Just cover your angles before you try it out.

Answer 3

You know what, if you suck it up, she will continue to manipulate via your child. Don't open this door. I have 8 and 10 year old girls. They enjoy having separate parties because they get TWO! They have tons of friends at our house and get to see family and other friends as well. Will all your family be invited, everyone you and your child will want? I think not. Will a lot of your family be very uncomfortable?

Even though you think your daughter really wants this and is pumped. It's because of your ex not her. Make it clear to your EX ASAP that this can't go on and will not happen this time either. Kids are so resilient, if you tell her now that she will continue to have 2 parties (as always) she will be fine with it. If you wait and renege at the last moment she will not be happy.

Better have a little talk with that Ex of yours. What she did is way out of line.

EDIT: Plan A above is right on. I guarantee she will be fine with it.

Answer 4

Make the best of it. Your daughter needs you to do that. My parents are divorced and have never had nice things to say about one another. I wish they'd have learned to suck it up at some point. I have a nine year old son with my ex. I try to never let him hear me say anything bad about his father. He hurt me very badly and didn't even make an effort to be in my sons life until he'd had a second child and realized what he'd missed out on with his first. I feel my son has a right to know his whole family and make his own decisions about them. I really hope for my son that they do right by him and he never has to know about the past he doesn't remember. I'm thirty and I still cringe when my parents say bad things about one another. Let your ex know she should mention something like this to you first in the future. If your current is serious she certainly should be a part of it and your daughter should see adults act like adults and get along. Address this with both women before the party. The day is your daughters and make sure they give her the best day possible. Hope your daughter has a great day and sees the best side of everyone.

Answer 5

Try this: talk to your daughter. Explain that your side of the family won't come if there's a combined party and make sure you call them and get them to back you up on that, and she won't get as many presents, and will only get one cake, plus Mommy will probably pick a fight with new g/f and make her cry, creating embarrassment for your daughter and thus ruining her party.
Less presents should convince her. I was eight once. It would have convinced me. If not, there's always, "I have to work that day." or "I got called in" at the last moment. "But don't worry, Sweetie, Daddy will give you a special party on a day he doesn't have to work." She's eight. She knows work is a high priority. Deep down, she also knows that her Mommy is up to something. Probably something rotten.
Why does your ex want to combine parties anyway? Planning to force you to pay for all of it and she gets "credit" for half, or probably more? Ask her why she wants this and explain that if the g/f isn't invited and treated civilly, that you will not be attending OR paying for anything. Actually, since it's her idea, she ought to pay for everything except the gift from you and your new g/f. Talk to your side of the family. You get them to help you, you could put on a party the like of which your little girl will remember forever...in a good way. Work on it a little bit, you could get the kid more excited about two parties than she is now about one party. Can you do ponies? Eight year old girls LOVE ponies. Don't tell the ex about that idea tho. My husband's ex used to ask him what he was getting the boys, "so we don't get the same thing". Then she would go out and "scoop" his gift idea. Finally, he got to where he would ask the boys what two main gifts they wanted for their birthday, or Christmas. He'd tell them, "Watch me get Mommy to get you a new computer. I'll get the bike." Then he'd tell her he was getting them this really high end-but not TOP of the line- computer. She'd run out and get TOP of the line to trump his idea, but all the time he was shopping for mountain bikes. The boys got the best of everything. Mom was so hung up on trumping my husband that she wound up spending way more money than she needed to, and the boys gave him the credit for "convincing" her to get the good stuff for them. Exes can be a real pain, unless you understand their motives and use those motives to your own end. Best wishes to you.

Answer 6

Ugh, sounds like a ploy to manipulate you. It doesn't matter if nothing is gained...just that you had to jump the hoops. Having a party together means planning a party together. Did you plan it together? No. She's planning it and wants to invite you and your guests. Hmm, is it an olive branch or just a way to set the stage in her favor.

I really don't like the idea. If you let her use your daughter as tool against you, she'll do it over and over again. If you haven't committed yourself, tell her and your daughter that you just can't do a big party this year. You'll do the separate parties. Then tell your ex that if your daughter really wants to do a joint effort next year, you'll have to plan it together and on nuetral ground. (keep it short, a few hours at a horse farm or arcade or something)

It took a long time, but I finally got my ex to stop promising things to my daughter that involved me by refusing to play the game. I know she's been disappointed, but I can't protect her from that since I chose to divorce. I never bad-mouth her dad, but I tell her that since I wasn't asked first, I can't say yes.

An 8th B-day isn't wedding day. When those times come up, you'll be sure to know it's your daughters own choice and ideas.

Answer 7

The best thing you can do for your daughter is take care of her father and keep him sane.

Plan A
Sit her down, parent/child talk, explain that you are divorced from her mom and you have separate lives now. You have always had fun in the past giving her a party and she has always enjoyed it so why change it.

Plan B
Do it this one time. Explain to your daughter that this is a one time deal (kids are always trying to get their parents back together). Ask your gf if she wouldnt mind not being there because your wife is a b___ . Suck it up, have one party and be done with it.

Personally, I would use plan A. You don't want to start something you may have to continue.

Good luck

Answer 8

Yes, you let her have this party the way she wants to have it. You just go along with this because your baby really wants it and she deserves this happiness. Go with a great attitude and a big smile on your face. Let everyone notice how great you are doing and what a good and attentative father you are!! That will get your ex much more than any putting your foot down would do; that would only hurt your daughter.

Do this for your daughter!! Be a man here and do it for her.

Answer 9

I say don't let your ex dictate your life, what you two had is over and your current lady has a right to be with you and your daughter on her b day. Tell you daughter that you would rather keep the celebration as it was and Mommy can have another party at her place and she will have double the fun and double the gifts, that should make it okay with her. I would tell the ex, that you don't think it's fair to try to force you to spend time with her, especially since your girl friend will be there.

Answer 10

Suck it up. However, let the ex know what responsibilities you will have and which she should have. Like who is getting cake, who is paying for what etc. Also have the party in a neutral place like Chuck e Cheese. Do not have it at either of your relatives homes. And tell her to talk to you first next time before she puts ideas in your childs head. Good Luck. Oh yes, and make sure she understands your girlfriend will be there and there will be no drama.

Answer 11

I am in a similar situation so I thought maybe I would find something online for you... Personally, I would either sit down and get some ground rules in writing between you and your ex. Or tell her you are not combining the parties especially if your Custodial/Parenting Time agreement does not state that you have too. Good Luck...

Ten Tips for Dads after Divorce: Birthdays and Holidays

by Emily Doskow, legal editor

Dealing with special occasions after divorce can be especially tricky.

When you’re sharing custody after a divorce, birthdays and holidays can be tough, especially in the early days. But take heart. As each year passes, you and your family will become more comfortable with the new family structure and will create new rituals and ways to enjoy special times together.

Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even after the divorce. Usually this doesn’t happen right away, but after a few years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners and children.

First, after you and your wife separate, you should make a basic parenting agreement. Make sure your parenting agreement covers where the kids will spend birthdays and holidays and how the two of you will negotiate any changes. Without a plan, you leave a lot of room open for arguments with your ex­ -- and disappointments for your kids. Here are some other tips for making birthdays and holidays pleasant for everyone concerned.
1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.



Do I have to force my child to visit his mother if he doesn't want to?
For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”
2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.
3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.
4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around