I made a mistake...?

Question

I feel that I recently made a huge mistake, in something that happened...

I was talking to a friend, a few days ago, and we were simply joking around. He said, "you know, you can be really mean sometimes!," saying it as a joke.

I said, "Yes, but you love me anyway," and he responded differently than I expected--"You know, it's funny you mention that. I really love you." I thought he was simply kidding, as we'd been doing all afternoon, and though I DO love him, I didn't say it back; I just laughed.

Despite the fact that I love him, since I didn't say it back, he said he felt "stupid, and uncomfortable." Now, I feel like dirt.

I sent him a letter, saying that I do love him, and explained everything--but still, I feel so low, because he seemed so hurt by it.

Anything you know of, that I can do??

[[I'm asking here in religion and spirituality, because I trust the advice here, more than that found in other sections.]]

Ehh; sorry, I wasn't clear--not romantic love, on my part. Friend love. Although, I think that's part of the problem--he says he DOES love me, romantically, but I love HIM as a friend....

Answer 1

Someone already replied that you have done what you can to make up for your "mistake".
You can't beat yourself up over it forever.

But I'm going to comment on what is the real problem here. (or it will BECOME a major problem)

If he actually has romantic feelings for you and sees you more than just a "friend", this is going to end with someone getting hurt. Probably him.

If you know for sure that you are never going to think of him as more than a friend, you should start cooling this relationship.

I speak from experience. In my own life and in the lives of people i've known. (fyi I'm 57)

I have seen this many, many times. NOT ONCE has this ever lead to anything but heartache.

And it's not really anyones "fault".

Feelings are what they are. But as long as you remain close friends he is always going to harbor a secret hope that eventually there will be something more.

If nothing changes on your part, eventually he is going see you in a relationship with another and that will cause him pain.(wether he says anything about it or not)

If you do try to convince yourself that maybe you can develop romantic feelings for him and allow yourself to have a "relationbship" (romantic, sexual, and/or marriage) you yourself will always feel "shortchanged".

Trust me. In the long run you will be saving a lot of hurt feelings if you distance yourself from the friendship gradually.

He is a willing participant in deluding himself (but thats love lol) that someday there MIGHT be a chance to win you.

I've been there and done that. I don't know if I would have listened to my own advise back then (probably not) but I would have saved myself much grief if I had.

Of course, you two might be the exception to this. But I doubt it.

Remember, as long as you two ARE friends, he is always going to convince himself that there remains a smidgion of "hope".

But you know there isnt. And he will never COMPLETELY believe you when you say there isnt.

(Sigh. Boy does this question bring back all kinds of memories. Wish I had'nt seen it. lol)

Well good luck.

I would love to know what happens in the future. Maybe you could make a "mental" note and keep me appraised?



...theBerean

Answer 2

I'm sure his pain will fade away after he reads the letter. The event itself seems really sort of romantic even though it was probably very awkward for you. Just be happy he said the "I love you" first, even though it wasn't a joke-- but i'm sure he'll understand. Plus, I think love letters always amazing and i'm sure he will be very pleased to recieve. Return the favor, just like he surprised you by revealing his true feelings to you, surprise him with something he wouldn't expect.
~~A rose?
~~A dinner?
~~A sweet kiss?

Whatever you think makes him happy. Anyway, you just seem very frustrated, because now that you're true feelings are out, be prepared to almost ALWAYS feel like this.. why? Because it's normal. We are always afraid of losing and hurting someone we love, so these sort of things will happen but no need to get stressed out, everything happens for a reason.

I know no matter what anyone says nothing will make your feeling go away until you hear from him and you share your first moments together as more than just friends..

but trust me... things will just get better from here.

Good Luck!
@~~,~~,''~ << A rose for you, a congrats rose =)

T/C
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OOPS just read your addition.. well since you only love him as a friend, and he loves you as more, guess what-- he will be fine. Because if he loves you than i'm sure he will care about and respect your feelings. The only problem is that now that the word is out, it might be a bit awkward BUT time does everything. Just go on as you do, as normal, let him respond to the letter-- and take things from there, one step at a time. Whatever is going to happen will, no need to stress. Stressing wont do anything but make you frown, so cheer up.

Answer 3

Hmm...that's tricky. Being a guy, the letter would do it for me but if he still seems reluctant, find a special way to show him. You could get him something like a stuffed animal with a card saying just a simple "I love you" on it, maybe of his favorite type of animal.

Don't feel low or kick yourself, because everyone has those moments. If you wrote him a letter explaining everything, and he's an understanding guy, he should be able to move past the "social faus pax" and you two can develop a relationship ;D

God bless you.

Answer 4

It's not a defense, it is pointing out the hypocrisy of the right. Namely, that Bush did much worse things that didn't seem to bother the right at the time, but Obama's similar (and usually much smaller) infractions are met with a call to armed insurrection. In point of fact, I am beyond angry with the Obama administration, and I would be fine with impeachment proceedings based on the abuse of drone technology, and what I see as the unconstitutional extension of the Patriot Act. I don't particularly care that the right is hounding Obama, except that I do not believe that if Romney had won the presidency and were doing the exact same things, the right would say a word, except in his defense. So, the short answer is that I don't believe the right is sincere in its criticism of Obama - I think it's largely tactical, not moral.

Answer 5

Talk to him...not a letter...face to face. Tell him what you just told us...that you thought he was still joking when he said it, that you are sorry for hurting his feelings, and that you DO really love him.

First thing, you might want to do a little "soul searching". Why did you assume he was joking when he said it? Was it just because of the previous joking, were you not paying attention or were you (like me...see below) just nervous or caught off guard by his comment. If it is the latter, you might include that in your conversation with him.

Oddly enough, I was in a similar situation MANY years ago. At sixteen, I fell in love for the first time in my life. He was older (20) and we were "just buddies"...I was still in high school but I spent a lot of time at the university where my father worked. This guy taught me how to play pool and joked around with me...basically treated me like a little sister. I dreamed about him for over a year...and the very day I started college, I ran into him at a party. We hung around talking all night and somehow ended up in his dorm room to continue our conversation...and when he leaned over and kissed me, I was so shocked/scared/freaked out that I laughed. He walked me to my car shortly after that and our relationship was never the same again. I never had the courage to explain to him why I laughed or to tell him how much I loved him...and to this day it is one of the greatest regrets of my life. I still think about him and wonder what would have happened if I had realized sooner that I had hurt his feelings and been willing to swallow my pride and apologize.

Answer 6

you both are a little too young to know true love, but he probably is smiting with you. It will either grow into true love or fade into a friendship. What can you do. Well, you can be friends with him, and you can either encourage him or just try and be friends. That one is up to you.
That is all I can say. I have been where he is, with Kharm. And now we are married. I ask to go out with her many times, and she always said maybe later, right now lets be friends. It was frustrating, but I knew if I pushed it too hard I would be without her. And if he respects that, he is a true friend, and a guy that should be treasured.

Answer 7

There's really nothing you can do. You've already said your side of it, so now you have to give him time. One thing I've learned with guys is if you keep pushing them, you'll push them right out the door. Just have patience.

Edit: Thanks for clarifying that, because that's exactly the problem. His feelings of romantic love are not being reciprocated. Usually this kind of thing doesn't work, because somebody winds up feeling resentful, and usually it's the one who's feelings aren't being returned. In this situation, I don't really have any advice.

Answer 8

Just sit down, talk with him about it, explain it again to his face if he needs it, and I'm sure he'll feel fine. It was just a simple mistake, not picking up on sincerity amidst a sea of jokes. Very few can do so successfully, especially when already nervous for being around someone they care for...

Answer 9

Listen, I am guessing your young. That said, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I won't judge you and tell you it's not love. However, If I were you I would talk to him about your feelings face to face and make sure you leave the physical part out. That just makes things worse.

Communication, learn it now, it makes ALL the difference in the world.

Answer 10

Some people say "I love you" with great trepidation. You weren't to know that he was one of these people. It isn't a huge irreconcilable mistake on your part. YOu need communicate your feelings... but if at all possible a conversation is better than a letter.. so much more emotion is expressed without words... your mannerisms, facial expressions.. eye contact.. your touch.... tell so much more than mere words.