Do I have an obligation to inform my parents of some major life decisions?

Question

I'm 28 years old and I still fear what they think of me. They are in their 60's and live in another region of the country. The distance has cured some strains in our relationship, but there are a couple decisions I have to make. I don't see a reason to consult them, because all I'll get are nagging and criticism. I hate being reminded of how much I suck and how badly I manage my life. Here are two major decisions:

1. filing bankruptcy-the debt is too great.

2. getting married-after 4 years with the same person, it's about time.

To #2 they would tell me that I'm too young and immature. They probably won't even go to the wedding.

If they had it their way, I wouldn't be married until I'm 35. In the meantime, they want me to move in with them. Normally that's an age when parents are pressuring their children to have children, but these parents are different!

Answer 1

For me, I usually go to my parents with most of my life decisions simply because I feel better when I obtain their approval, or should I say IF I OBTAIN THEIR APPROVAL.
I am now 56yrs old, & I know of one decision I made recently & kept them out of the loop (a change in career) simply because I knew all I could expect from them would be heaps of doubt, & critisizm on this particular subject. So I truly understand how you feel about your decision(s) & your choice to keep them from your parents.

Certainly you are old enough & responsible enough to make your own way in life (right or wrong). It's hard for the parents to cut the apron strings that they keep tied around their children, but it isn't easy on their kids either.
The only thing I can say about your decision to file bankruptcy without your parents knowledge is that you may be denying yourself their financial help when maybe you could use it the most. However, if the ONLY help you can expect from them amounts to no more than their critisizm then I would have to say that you have probably made the right choice there.

In their favour I might add that there's a chance that your view of their motives for offering their home to you during your financial woes may be viewed through a filter that is distorted by your relationship with them as their child.
It may have been offered to you in the spirit of kindness, & a way of giving you some genuine help rather that a way to hold you back in life. But as we both know there is usually an unstated price to pay when taking help from our parents, & the cost to our self-esteem can be rather high as well.

Good luck on the bankruptcy. It sounds like an easy way out but when you are in that kind of financial trouble there's no such thing.

Maybe you'll have better luck in your new marriage,
Congratulations!

Answer 2

Andre,

First of all, you need to start living your life without the constant downer of thinking about what your parents would say. I know its difficult, everyone who has parents has to deal with it at some point, but you have to remember that first and foremost they are just people in the world like you. Your life HAS to be about YOU first and everyone else second, even if it is your parents/siblings/spouse. Just because they may (or may not) know you better, doesn't necessarily mean they have the best advice for whatever situation you are in. You need to get over the parent/child struggle and start working on your relationship as individuals in the world...either that or completely cut them out of your life altogether (which might not be such a bad idea, they will come around, trust me)

To answer your questions:

1) Don't think that filing bankruptcy will fix everything. The way that personal bankruptcy laws are currently written allows your creditors to STILL seize personal assets, like your house or bank accounts, garnish wages, hold auctions, all while you are technically in bankruptcy protection. Definitely do your homework, because there is probably a chance you could take ALL your current debt and refinance it under ONE loan from ONE creditor. It's possible, and I would recommend that course of action first.

2) The marriage is a decision between you and your significant other. Do you both agree? Great, go with whatever you both agree on. Like I said in the beginning, your life is about YOU, not your parents. Whether or not they come to the wedding is their decision, so don't worry about something that you have NO control over...Just rule your own life and everything else will fall into place...hope this helps...

Answer 3

You are definitely an adult now, as much as you want your parents to be included and supportive of your decisions ultimately you need to make your own decisions. If you need to file bankruptcy then go for it, that I think is a mature decision even though you're at that point. An adult knows they can't change the past (getting into bankruptcy) but they can have an effect on the future (filing and getting yourself out of debt).

You're also are old enough to get married without permission. If you love this woman and you've been with her long enough (which you have) then that is your right. They will either support you or not, hopefully they will and will attend the wedding but if not though it may be hurtful it is your life and if they can't be mature enough to understand then that’s their loss.

On the other hand though you do need to remember that they are your parents and only have your best interests in mind. I can understand their concern of your filing for bankruptcy and also wanting to get married at the same time. Just remember that you are an adult and should handle these situations as one. I think you should definitely tell them about these two things you are thinking of doing simply because they are your parents but you do not necessarily have to agree with them and do what they say. Just don't yell and argue. Tell them like an adult your plans and listen like an adult to their response, take their response for what it's worth and thank them for their advice, if you agree tell them, if you don't agree tell them why.

They will respect your honesty even if they don't like the decisions! Good luck and congrats if you decide to get married!

Answer 4

Perhaps they know a lot more about you than you do yourself. You can travel the world over, and put millions of miles between yourself and your parents, but you will still carry their up-bringing with you rather for good or bad.

Are you sure they are not offering sound advice, or are you still too immature to accept constructive criticism. Simply because you've dated a young lady for four years is really not grounds to base a marriage on.

You should consult your finical adviser on rather or not to file bankruptcy, not your parents. You should ask yourself a few hard questions before considering marriage, like for instance are you financially stable at this time to even consider marriage,
especially since you are contemplating bankruptcy. Don't you think that would be a better approach then laying your life's judgments at your parents feet? Perhaps you should also think about some counseling to help booster your self-esteem!

Good luck!

Answer 5

1. Filing bankruptcy...I would check other options such as credit counseling before doing something so drastic. Bankruptcy is something that will stay on your credit history for at least 7 years. I would definitely use that as a last resort, but I would decide for myself what is right for me. Your parents don't sound like they will give you real advice because they just want you to do what your told. I would seek a third party's advice first.

2. If you really love this person, marry them. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about it, and if they don't want to come, than it will be their loss.

3. Look at your situation from an outsiders viewpoint. The things your parents criticize and say, are they true? Are you really that immature? If what they are saying is all true about you and you are just being defensive and rebellious than I would take a second look at my life and maybe do somethings to straighten myself out before I drag some innocent person into my mess (finicial debt is one of the number one reasons for divorce in the country.)

Answer 6

First, you have to get over you insecurity issues. You are an adult capable of making your own decisions. What you need to do is think about consequences. Do you want to get married with so much debt. Your debt will become your new wife's debt as well. Money has been known to ruin a lot of marriages. You may want to get yourself in a better financial situation. It would be better to file bankruptcy before you get married. You spend to much time worrying about what everybody has to say or how they feel about your decisions. Stand on your own two feet, take charge of your life, and live.

Answer 7

Well, I don't suppose you're obligated to tell them anything, but I don't see why you wouldn't. Their reaction is going to be negative either way, why not just get it over with now? You know, this sounds like their problem and believe it or not, it is hurting them more than you. I have a grandparent with an attitude sort of like that. All she ever does is criticize. You know what's happened? None of her children or grandchildren really talk to her or spend time with her, and I, the only one who really wants to have a relationship with her, she has cut off. It hurts me terribly, but surely it must hurt her more. She is all alone. I won't give up on her though, because I do love her. But I learned a long time ago to stop trying to please her, because its just never going to happen.
My advice to you would be to tell your parents your plans. When they start nagging, tell them that you love them, that you hope to hear from them again soon and hang up the phone.
You might find some comfort in addressing issues with codependency. A lot of people think codependency is something the spouses of alcoholics have, but its actually quite normal in a lot of situations that have nothing to do with addiction, and your fear of your parents seems to fit the bill. Its something to look into that might help you better deal with their disapproval, or possibly convince them to reverse it. May I suggest the books by Melanie Beattie. They have been life changing for me.
Good luck and congrats on your pending wedding!

Answer 8

if you are 18 years old and up you are not obligated to consult your parents. In your case it look slike you don't have too great of a relationship with your parents. I would just tell them my decisions. IF they are not happy and start nagging just say that it is your life your decision and they can be supportive of it or not talk to you about it. Make it clear that you are an adult and that they can't control you anymore. It might cause some issues between you but like you said you live far away so it will go away with itme and distance. If you turly care what they think just talk to them about it (that will make them ell like you take their oponion under consideration) but do your own thing afterwards.
I know that it is always hard when to comes to parents but you are an adult so you have to stand up for yourself and not let them control your life.
Good luck

Answer 9

I would say do what makes you happy!!! But if you are planning on doing both of thoes things...I would fill for bankruptcy first because that way your new wife wouldn't have to take the fall with you and you guys could still get by on her credit history. Also another thing to think about you aren't going to be able to get rid of all of your debt, some of it stays on even if you fill for bankruptcy like school loans for one. Good luck and from now on just tell your parents what your decision is not what they think you should do!

Answer 10

Wow. Well there is no rule book that says you are obligated to tell them anything. But I have found, even after some harsh times with my parents, that you can/should talk. It helps.
to #1- before you do this, please check into Dave Ramesy. He has a great total money makeover that will really open your eyes! You might not have to file bankruptcy! I was very shocked to the little things that can be done to fix spending issues and bills.
#2- Congrats! Don't let anyone change your mind on love.