Guest list getting out of hand!!?

Question

I'm getting really upset about this guest list situation. Any advice or words of wisdom would be great. We are having our reception in the church hall after the wedding. It holds 250 people. Well, my mom and my FMIL sat down to do a guest list and this list has gone up to 420 people!!! Thats INSANE!! I have tried to tell the moms that I get 150, and my fiance gets 150....which is ok on my side. But his side is almost 300 people!! And his mom is insisting we have to invite all of them, even though we have been together for 6 years and I have never met most of them and I know its been a good ten years since hes seen 90% of them. FMIL suggested we just rent a bigger venue!!! UM HELLO!! MY parents are paying for this and his parents have offerend NO financial support!!! How do I handle this?? I've tried to be firm but polite...and its not working. I will not put my parents in bankruptcy feeding people that I have never met and whom he hasnt seen since childhood.

Yes Jenn, that would put us at 300, but I have never been to a wedding where EVERYONE who was invited shows up. Plus that extra 50 is really room for kids under 12, cuz there is a huge play ground outside that will keep them outdoors and occupied. Im sure the whole 300 wont show. But Im certainly not inviting 420 and hoping 170 don't show!!

Answer 1

Lucy, you're just going to have to put your foot down. Tell your FMIL (or have your fiance do it) that they get to invite 150 people, period. They MUST cut the list down to 150, because that is all you can afford (that gives her the hint that if they want more, they need to pay for them!). Let her know you're sorry, but if she doesn't cut the list herself, you will send invitations to the first 150 names and that's it.

Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 2

This is actually a simple situation. You say to your future mil that your fiance is allowed 150 and that your family will be allowed 150. There will be no exceptions, there will be no discussion. It is 150. Look at your list and decide which people out of the 300 that you have will be attending. She will be offended. Her feelings will get hurt. But if she truly has her sons best interest at heart she will get over it, swallow her pride, and start slashing names off the list.

There will always be someone who will be offended at some point in the planning process and in 10 years it will not matter that they didn't get to invite their brothers third cousins neice to your wedding!

I would not negotiate when it comes to the cost of the wedding and the guest list. You are being fair by allowing him to invite the same amount of guests as your family. It might help if your fiance was the one to let his mom know that they have 150 alloted to invite on his side so it might lessen the blow.

If all else fails, tell her that a certified wedding consultant says that it is not her party, it's not her wedding, it's not her financial responsibility, and ultimately not her decision as to how many guests are invited to the wedding.

Answer 3

Making up the guest list should be a 50-50 proposition in terms of how comfortable both you and your groom-to-be are with the final draft; it isn't necessarily a 50-50 proposition in terms of number of guests, however.

You should each have a "wish list" of everyone you'd ideally like to invite, and that list should eventually be whittled down to the essential or "best of" list when all is said and done, because very few of us can afford to invite everyone they'd like to. This is an especially sensitive issue if your parents are footing the bill!

If you have fewer "essential" folks to invite than your fiance, there's no reason you have to invite the exact same number of people. But it sounds as though many non-essential guests are being forced upon you from the other side. Revisit both lists, not for numbers, but for importance. Ask yourselves guest by guest, "how close am I to this person and how important will it be to them to receive an invitation?"

Weddings are not about placating family or making gestures; they are about sharing a life-changing event with those you and your fiance are closest to.

Perhaps your fiance could suggest to his mother that she host a separate party for you with all of their family. Let your fiance play bad-cop (or logician) a little and take the heat of of you for a while! It's a rare and very nice thing these days for one set of parents to pay for a wedding, and some major appreciation and understanding is called for.

Cheers

Answer 4

Sit down with your fiance and his parents and tell them firmly but nicely that unless they're willing to pay the difference for the bigger venue, extra plates for dinner, extra favors, and everything else that'll cost more, they MUST get their guest list down. It's not their day, its yours and your fiance's so if he has to look at the list and decide who he wants to cut out, then that's the way it'll have to be. Plus, you're the one who is sending out the final invitations so if 150 people that your boyfriend hasn't seen in 10 years don't happen to get one, then there's nothing they can do about it, is there.

Answer 5

I feel so bad for you I can already tell that your fmil is going to be a pain in the butt. My friends mil is the same way. When she was in labor in the hospital having her first child her mil went to her house and redecorated the entire nursery from winnie the pooh to noahs ark, she was so ticked off. I offer you the best of luck because you are going to need it. Don't let her win on this because she will sense weakness and try you at every turn. And tell your fiance he is a dope and needs to show a little backbone. If he can't help you out with his mother in such a simple little thing what is he gonna be like in the future when you really need his support. BE A MAN!

Answer 6

If it holds 250 people, you each get 124 (don't forget to count yourselves!).

No ifs ands or buts about it.

If FMIL wants to invite more, then SHE needs to fork up the dough for the extra space and extra people.

Put your foot down. Even though your parents are paying for it does NOT mean they hold ALL the strings!

Frankly, I'd just save up and pay for the wedding yourselves so you don't feel like they'll retract their offer of paying because YOU want your wedding YOUR way.

Answer 7

Honey, I feel your pain! I went through this very thing. Our venue held 200 people comfortably. And we wanted to keep it small to immediate family and very close friends. Well, my Moms guest list included 200+ people and his mom's guest list included 120+ people including people in Germany! His parents didn't offer one red cent towards this either. My husband and I paid for the whole thing.

We pushed back and said, we told you that you could invite, lets say 35 couples each, narrow down your list. When they pushed back on us, my response was simply, you're not paying for this, we are. Here is what the venue holds, here is what it costs per person, here is how much I will spend on invitations, if you would like to invite these people and have them there, then you can pay for them. I want the money up front since I have to put deposits down. They decided to pair down their lists and my Mom actually paid for those that went over once we put it in terms of what we could afford.

Answer 8

Have the groom sit down with his mother and go through the guest list. He should be able to candidly tell her that he doesn't want his 6th grade swim couch or mother of his first grad school teacher there when he doesn't keep in touch with them.
He should also tell her that the venue and budget are set. It would be nice to invite everyone who ever meet the family, but it's the grooms wedding too! Make him do some of the work with his family.
P.S. A friend of our had to tell his mother that his 6th grade swim couch AND mother of his first grad school teacher (among others) just wouldn't fit on the guest list. His mom got over it.

Answer 9

YOu just have to be firm. Stick to your guns. Tell them that your parents cannot afford that many people.
It is just them trying to show off if they are inviting so many people. You dont mention you or your fiance having any friends there.....whose wedding is this anyways?
Be brutal.
Cut anyone you have never met.
Cut anyone that you have not seen in 5 years
Cut anyone you have not seen in 2 years.....
and if you are still over the limit cut people you have not seen in 1 year. It is your wedding and they are walking all over you. Get your fiance to back you up and be strong.
If they want to invite a heap more people they better pay for them.
Good luck with this one. And dont forget to invite your OWN friends.....

Answer 10

take any second cousins and great aunts off the list unless they are really close or special to you or your fiance also take off ppl who his parents might be friends with that you two don't know- this is your day you want your friends and family not his parents. if they don't agree than say fine you don't have a say at all then on who is on your list.. or give them the option of paying the difference for another venue and paying for all the extra food and favors.. and make sure to have the money up front. this might seem harsh but its your day not theres and your parents don't need to pay for there social life! good luck :)