What should I teach my kids? Help.?

Question

My wife is a Christian and I am somewhere in between Deist and Agnostic. Despite our religious differences, we have a wonderful marriage. We rarely talk about our individual beliefs. We have kind of agreed to disagree. Now, we have two small children, ages 3 and 18 months. About a year ago, I agreed to begin attending a non-denominational Christian Church with my wife and kids, simply so that my kids could be around other children in a relatively positive environment. My 3 and a half year old son has begun asking me questions about God. Right now, I am able to give him broad, generic answers without having to lie to him. However, I know that his questions are going to become more detailed and I will be forced to either tell him that I do not believe in the God they teach him about at Church, or I will have to lie and pretend that I believe all of what they are teaching him at Church. Besides my Dad, everyone that knows my children are Christians. If I tell my son that Church is essentially b.s., it will possibly ruin my marriage. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Answer 1

My hubby is an affirmed and rabid athiest--I am a born again believer. We have four children and we agreed the children would be raised Christian--for the sake of the morality. He has agreed NOT to teach them atheism until they are eighteen. I have agreed that the children won't be baptised until they are also eighteen--by their own free will choice.

What you can do--which is what my hubby does--is tell them:
well, this is what the bible says or this is what the doctrine of your church teaches or this is what your mom thinks or ask your mom, or I'm not sure....

the child is NOT asking for every possible answer/solution to every question--that is only within the capacity of a matured teen or adult--the child is asking for a way to put what he is being taught into a framework--so it makes sense. It's okay to tell him you don't know, you're not sure and maybe he should ask other adults. As the child matures it will actually become easier because you can ask them what they think, what they are being taught and what they are basing that on.

Just because you don't believe in it--doesn't mean you can't tell them what you know others do believe in. My hubby has been very faithful in respecting my beliefs. He never leads prayer at dinner but he sits quietly without eating when we do pray. The children know he doesn't believe but that he respects all of our rights to believe whatever we want to.

You can be a wonderful and shining example of tolerance and respect. I have even told my children--well, a lot of people don't believe like this--they believe "x,y,z" about the bible and teachings.

Children need to be educated about the two sides of the fence when they are old enough to understand this--for us it was after age eight. If they see the fruit (goodness, kindness and love) from both of their parents it will make them emotionally strong individuals. I hope that my children question everything and research everything for themselves. I do not want them to adopt my faith--ever--I want them to choose to believe because it is in their heart to do so.

I hope your wife can trust God to lead the children in faith and believe that in His timing God will bring the children to salvation. I'm not trusting myself, my husband or any man to do the work of salvation with in the heart of our children.

Answer 2

You have such a responsibility....and I would say you are between a rock and a hard place. Our marriage had different beliefs also. When my son was very young he went to visit my husbands parents once. He came home and told me he had been "saved". He did not even know what it meant. It sure can cause marriage problems if you are not in agreement about what to teach the kids and you HAVE to teach them something. If you think you don't have to....just wait until they copy every word and action you do....that is teaching!
I would say make a list of the things that you and your wife do and do not agree on.....about God and religion. If you basically believe that God exists you have a GREAT start! You can always build from there. Our moral standards are based on the 10 commandments so you have some common ground there. As far as the stories in the Bible...they do teach the morals that I'm sure you want your children to have. You can't go wrong there as no other book has better stories....and morals. I agree about the books that gunslinger mentioned because you need to know in your own heart. Really, even if you had "proof" of God....until you have a relationship with Him .....it does not even matter....because what would be the point?? I wish I could say something to convince you to try God. I have been on both sides...and can tell you this side is happier and peaceful....and has more hope. You can only be on one side or the other. I will pray you find and choose the right one.

† On-call Prayer Warrior †

Answer 3

Similar boat here. I was raised Christian. I am now pagan. My wife is agnostic (something out there and that's as far as it goes). We have a four year old and a 20 month old. At first, I was going to teach them strictly my beliefs. Then my wife and I sat down one evening and had a lengthy conversation about it. The end result was what we thought would be best for the kids. Teach them about everything. I know that's pretty broad but bare with me. During that conversation...I kept mentioning that had I been raised pagan, it would have been much easier than learning this chosen path as an adult (now that I can think for myself). My wife piped up and stated that if I simply taught our kids my beliefs, how is that different than how I was raised only knowing about Christianity?

At the age your kids are (and mine)...being broad is the best thing for them. Teaching them tolarance of others beliefs and that not everyone is the same is much more important than drilling a certain "path" into them. When they ask the hard questions, answer truthfully of your beliefs...but stress that those are your beliefs and may not be the same as others. As they get older, they will be able to make their own decision as to what path they wish to follow. I'm pagan...but if my kids want to go to church, sunday school, and so on down the road and enjoy it...they're still my kids. And it was their decision to do so...I didn't make them. They'll just enjoy it that much more. Hope this helps!

Answer 4

You definitely should not lie to your kid. If you're worried about your marriage tell him to ask his mother. Eventually he may ask specifically for your opinion and you can't lie to him. If it was me I would do everything I could to prevent his mind being poisoned by religion. A lot of questions of religion can't be answered anyway because it doesn't make sense.

Religion relies on keeping people ignorant and satisfied with circular logic so they don't ask difficult questions or think too much. Forums like these expose that flaw. The only answers you'll get from Christians here will cite the bible as their source. If asked, "why should we take what is says in the bible for granted?" they'll say that the bible says it is inerrant so it must be. Circular logic, can't argue with it. Christians point out that's why it must be right. Atheists can only roll their eyes.

Remember, ultimately a good person will do good things, a bad person will do bad things, but it takes religion to make a good person do bad things.

Answer 5

if I may suggest...half of coming to know who God is, is first believing He exists. At least you said you were Deist/Agnostic and not atheist.

so...I would start there...not in "what answers should I give my son", but more along the line of "what are the correct answers to my own questions."

Believe me...Josh McDowell and Lee Strobel both write a lot of great material for the unbeliever, or even the believer with many questions.

I too agree church is b.s. when its about itself. I want God's presence in my life...so I'm not all about "what can we do to look good to the neighbors", but "how can I draw closer." Remember...evne Jesus Himself spoke out against the ritual being put above the relationship.

So...I'd get some books. Start there...dive into the questions you have...and continue seeking the answers. Because if we believe that God hears us...we should also believe we can hear God.

Answer 6

You are to be commended on the way you are handling the situation so far. You are providing your children with the ability to choose for themselves. Someday, when they are older they will have the knowledge of Christianity and of the world to, because they will have lived in it, that will equip them to make an informed decision. When the time comes for them to make their own decision they will actually be able to make a decision. Some people mistakenly believe that if they do not teach their children about Christianity they are doing the right thing, but how can someone have the opportunity to decide for something if they know nothing about it?

You should continue to attend church with your family. When your children ask you questions that you do not have answers for, simply say, "I don't know." They will be encouraged to learn it because kids love to know things their parents do not know. It is good for them. Try not to be outright anti-religion, just share your questions with them. There's nothing wrong with that.

Kudo's for doing the brave and right thing for your kids.


God bless you.

Answer 7

Besides the obvious, you shouldn't have taken them to church to begin with.

I mean really "relatively positive environment', you could have found that anywhere. Not just a church.

A walk in the park on sunday morning, followed with coffee and juice at a local play group would have given you the same sense of community without bringing up a god.

I mean where did you think all the other agnostics bring their children? Church? Most likely not.

But now you have a dilemma..

Answer 8

Whatever you do, do not boldy lie to your children. They are our worst critics!!

I encourage you to listen to the messages and Biblical lessons being taught, and to open your own heart. If you are not receptive, at least you can explain the story while your children are young.

There may come a point when you simply have to come clean and tell your children that their mother has the stronger faith and let her lead them spiritually.

Even though this is not the best plan, it may be the best plan under the circumstances.

† I Bow Down Prayer Warrior †

Answer 9

I am going to answer this a bit differently then most- however I pray that you take it is in the manner in which it is written- with concern for you and your family- and concern for your beliefs. What is it that you do not believe about the Christian faith? You need to start there. I am sure if you ask your wife why see is a Christian, she could tell you very simply. I am a Christian, so I am answering your question from that standpoint. Your 3 year old is at the age when these type of questions normally start. You need to go to the Source, and ask Him the questions that your son is asking you. God will answer your unanswered questions about Him, if you are sincere in your seeking. What part of the God that they teach at church, do not you believe in? If you want to talk more, please email me, and I really desire to help you.

Answer 10

This sadly is why I advise against this type of marriage in Yahoo Questions. Only you can decide what to tell your child. When you do, understand that studies have shown that the father has the most influence on the children when it comes to religious faith.

If you tell him that you do not believe in God or church, he will likely follow that belief. Have you discussed this with your wife? You say that it would possibly ruin your marriage - are you guessing at that or has she told you that?

You will not be able to lie to him. While you might convince him while he is young, he will eventually pick up on your own lack of faith. Then the lie will add to his own understanding of faith.

I see that I have gotten my first thumbs down which is fine. The truth is more important than points. As I said, only you can make this decision. I have only pointed out to you that there are consequences to what you decide. I wish there was a simple answer that would fix this. But I fear this problem will only get worse with time.

You definitely need to discuss this with your wife. She needs to be a part of what you decide. I do wish you the best and I wish your family the best.

Pastor John