Can someone help me with advice on 18 year old daughter cussing at me?

Question

My daughter hangs around girlfriends that sometimes cuss. Problem is when I say the slightest thing against what she wants to hear I am called a *****? I have gotten mad, expressed my hurt etc... She will not stop it. How can I teach her that she should not talk in this disrespectful manner? How can I understand her?

Answer 1

18 is old enough to make up your own mind on cursing
if she wants to curse tell her she can but not infront of you and not in your house, those are compromising rules, she will feel you are bing fair if you do it that way rather than simply tell her shes not allowed

you cant control her anymore shes 18 and very much has her own mind and is very much an adult
let her be the person she is, the person she chose to and wants to be
you can not" teach her not to talk in this disrespectful manner"
you have already instilled respect values in her at an early age, so she already knows what is respectful and disrespectful
you can only tell her what you find disrespectful to you
this is about her choosing to curse
choosing to find cursing not disrespectful
she may not think shes being disrespectful, in her opinion and she may feel grown up doing it, by being able to do it
by being at a stage she is 'allowed' to curse
as it is a grown up thing to do

if shes only doing it because she knows it upsets you, then you should stop reacting to it
if you stop reacting to it, she will stop doing it, thats psychology for you
but this only works if thats why she is doing it

(also its just words, as long as she doesn't hit you or anyone else or do anything else i wouldn't worry or be bothered)

to understand her
you would have to understand what it was like to be 18 yourself, remember what you felt like at that age
remember what being a teenager whos growing up whos finding themselves is really like
then add in t parents always telling you what to do, whats best for you, telling you to live by their rules, when you dont agree or live by those rules yourself

respect is earned remember, and you dont get respect by ordering people about, by telling them to not swear because YOU dont like it
you ask firstly
you explain your reasons
you talk to her like an adult, like a person
because she IS a person as well as your daughter
the same as you are a person as well as her mother
(and i bet there are plenty times in your life you wish she would remember that)

never order your daughter to not do things that she feels grown up enough to do and cursing is something she feels grown up enough to do
and by telling her not to do it your making her feel like shes 13
shes a grown adult, who grows every day a little more in to a more adult person and sometimes she will want to do things you dont like
because she is not you

i dont agree you should tell her to move out, or let it get to that point that she feels she wants to or has to
i think thats a terrible thing to do
you want her to know you love her, appreciate her and you simply want the same love and appreciation from her
you dont want her to leave and never talk to you
and thats all that will come from that

same with "live in my house follow my rules"
thats a terrible way to explain to her what you want and why
you must talk to her like a grown up not a child
and saying and doing those things are going to provoke the attitude of 'if thats what you want then i will go' and or a lot of resentment and even hatred towards you
i advise you strongly to NOT do those things until it is at the point where she is being aggressive or totally unreasonable and AFTER you have had a long adult talk

explain how you feel and why
then if she continues to do it
dont react to it anymore and see what happens

i commend you on your wanting to understand her thats one of the best things you could possibly want from this
with understanding your relationship with your daughter will be easier AND things will be better between you because she will feel that you are trying to understand her that you want to understand her and that you like her and appreciate her as a person

you can still have rules and regulations you can do all you did before, you can ask her to not swear but with new respect and understanding on both sides so much so that she may infact be more willing to comply with your rules

you have to know that at 18 she will in no way feel like a teenager anymore, she will feel very adult and will want to be treated like an adult,
i can assure you 'revoking phone privileges' is NOT going to help you
that will also make her feel like she is 13 again,

again, i advise not to do that or anything like that until you have had a proper full blown talk with her about everything,
about your feelings,
about your rules,
why you have them,
about you understanding that she is an adult but you ask her for some respect the same way you respect her etc etc
explain everything grown up to her THEN if she still wont co-operate id start revoking phone privileges,
but you explain to her its not a spiteful reason you are revoking the privileges,
its consequences and any grown up adult takes the consequences of their actions and this is the consequence of her not respecting you
(or if she doesn't respond well to that or that doesn't work
you tell her if she wont act like an adult then you wont treat her like an adult)
(which is better psychology than 'if you act like a child i will treat you like a child 'because that only provokes more childlike and spiteful resentful behaviour
whereas the one i said provokes the desire to be seen as an adult

good luck

my sources are extensive knowledge psychology, sociology and people
being a daughter,
being young enough to remeber what it feels like being a teenager
but old enough to know what it feels like to be an adult

Answer 2

OK This is not easy.

Tell your daughter how offended and hurt you are that she doesn't respect you enough to watch her language.

Explain that she has a choice - as do you - for at 18 she is an adult and as such can easily move out if she chooses. BUT the flip side to that coin is that you can also insist that she move out - if she doesn't respect you any more than she does.

In otherwords, tell her to clean up her act - or clean out her closet.

If she leaves - do not give her money or things. She leaves with whatever she owns now - and nothing else.

OK this sounds mean - but daughter needs to learn that she can't go around treating you with disrespect.

There are several possible outcomes

She may wise up and realize that she needs you more than you need her.

She may leave and "go hog wild" but that's the breaks. She's an adult now. So let her face the consequences like an adult. Eventually she will wise up and realize that she needs you more than you need her.

BUT - are you strong enough to tell her that she's on her own now? That if she thinks she can treat you with disrespect that she can do it on her own dime?

Believe me. the "freedom" she will grab hold of will quickly lose its luster - especially when rent comesdue - and she doesn't have the money.

But are you strong enough for tough love? Can you tell your daughter "no" when she comes along and begs and cries like she did as a child? That's not easy and it isn't pretty.

But there can be no negotiation. Daughter needs to learn not to bite hands that feed her.

Answer 3

First of all she should not even be cussing at you at all because that is pure disrespectful and if she want to cuss at you and all of that she need to leave your house if she cant respect you then she needs to be gone i know it is hard to put your kids out but she has to learn to respect you if she wants to live under your roof.

Answer 4

I agree with aspen, I would not waste time telling her how you feel and how she is hurting your feelings she already knows that. You are the parent, take control of your daughter, maybe you should not let her hang around friends who are a bad influence, because she is bringing that same mentality into your house, I would let her know that if she can't respect me, I would have her clothes packed, and she would be out of my house, let her know since she wants to act like her friends, she can go and live with her friends. But let her know that it is YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU ARE NOT PUTTING UP WITH HER DISRESPECTING YOU, ALSO I WOULD NOT ALLOW HER FRIENDS TO CALL OR COMEOVER,

Answer 5

OKAY!!! You are the PARENT!!!!! FAMOUS WORDS,
"LIVE IN MY HOUSE FOLLOW MY RULES" And if she doesn't want to respect you tough love needs to be given, PUT HER OUT!!! I am 30 I have 3 kids and I would never curse the women that loved me enough to have me raise me and love me past all my faults. You are a good mother but she needs to respect you. PERIOD!!!!! Don't be afraid of your child because no matter how old she is you gave birth to her and she will always be your baby, but at the same time she needs to understand and KNOW the disrespect will NOT BE TOLERATED!!!!!

Answer 6

Your job is not to try to "understand her" but to guide her in the right behavior. The next time she curses at you, inform her calmly that her privileges are revoked -- no phone, tv, cell phone, car, going out, etc. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will NOT be spoken to like that, and until she shows you the respect you deserve, she will not have any privileges. Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 7

I really feel sorry for you.I love my kids to death but I am so glad they have grown up.Those teen years are pure hell.When they finally reach 18 they "think" they are grown, but we know that is a few years away.They think that just because they are 18 they can do as they please.She is 18 but living under your roof.You must set some ground rules.Tell her that she MUST live by them or she MUST find somewhere else to live.You have to stick by it.She will find out just how grown up she really is.

Answer 8

Back hand her in the mouth and tell her no one cusses at you and gets away with it.

Answer 9

give her a good slap, and tell her " I brought you into this world and I'll take you back out of it"