Mother vs Step-Mother?

Question

I have a Step-Mother who has been my "Mother" since I was 4 and I am now 35. She has taught me everything that a woman needs to know and has been there for me growing up even though we didnt have the BEST relationship when i was younger, we now get along great (i am older and more mature and appreciative) and I also have my Mother who left when I was 4 for various reasons (very young, drugs, mostly alchohol). I have struggled my whole life with wanting my Mother in my life no matter what she has done or hasnt done. Time has not changed that any although I have had periods of WTF, why did she leave and why did she stay away? ANYWAYS... To get to the point... This summer, my Mother came home and we visited for three weeks and really got to know each other and she wants to move back to Maine to have a relationship that we both have always wanted, I want that very much too BUT, the burning question is, how do I have a relationship with both MOTHERS and not hurt the others feelings?

Answer 1

You can do it... since you're old enough. Just spend time with both of them. It's no different than spending equal time with siblings, friends, etc. You juggle a relationship with your hubby and kid, or your 2 best friends, whatever. I'm sure if you explain to your stepmom that she will always be the most special to you and you appreciate everything she's done for you it will not hurt her feelings. Just don't abandon her to spend time with your real mom who abandoned you. Keep a little bit of a wall up. To protect yourself.

Answer 2

Go with your step mother. Don't let anyone - not your "mothers" and not anyone answering your question - turn this into a case of who is your "real" mother vs your step mother. It's a simple case of who has been there for you and who has been supportive of you and who will help you to make your very special day a pleasant one rather than one filled with conflict and guilt tripping. You will eventually - and better sooner than later - have to confront your bio-mom about her guilt tripping and about generating any conflict surrounding your wedding. If she can't agree to get along and make your special day a pleasant one for everyone then her messages, calls, etc to you will go ignored and she should plan on not attending. Sounds harsh because I didn't take any time trying to choose soft words. You need to do a better job than I did, but I think you really need to have this conversation with your bio-mom... if for no other reason than if she screws this up she will be setting the tone for any future relationship with you and your husband... and grandchildren... and... etc. She'll be making a decision that will affect the rest of her life so she better make darn sure what's more important to her - recrimination and conflict or harmony and cooperation.

Answer 3

BOY! Are you lucky!

Have a long hard talk with your stepmom about this. Ask her feelings about it - that you love her for taking you under her wing - especially through the tough times. For that she has earned her place in heaven.

But tell her you want a relationship with your natural mother too. Ask her if she can understand. I am sure she does.

Now, as to your natural mother. OK she's in recovery - and once an addict, always an addict - you are merely in recovery.

That said, go really slowly with trying to build a relationship with her - not just because of her abandoning you - but because addiction leaves people really fragile and often unable to cope - and then poof - relapse. And relapse is part of recovery.

So take it really slow with your natural mother. It will be a long, slow process - but hopefully you can build a strong and loving ADULT relationship with her.

And, if she is open to it, include your stepmother - if she wishes to be a part of this trio of angels. Who knows? Maybe things will work out better than you think.

But be open with Stepmom - reassure her that she was an angel sent from heaven to teach you to be the loving woman you've become now.

Answer 4

I wouldn't give up the life you have already established, to be with the mother who wasn't around for 30 years. My daughter is in about the same position and she has reconciled with her natural mom (my first wife), but much of that came about when her brother died at age 34. Her stepmother is 'MOM' and she has no desire to visit with my ex. It took a long time, but she finally figured out for herself that my ex is still very manipulative and knows what to say and how to say it, so that she can usually get what she wants. You can't live in two places, so if your natural mom doesn't want to move, she's forcing you to choose. Her goal is to get you farther away from the woman who has been "mother" most of your life.
You shouldn't need to make such a drastic change in your life, for anyone else.

Answer 5

I am sure your step mother will understand your need to reclaim a relationship with your biological mother. But I know it is important for you to not step on any toes.. I would include your step mother just like you did before.. but also let both mothers know how important they are in your life and you need them both.
Besides your biological mother should know that if it wasn't for your step mother who knows where'd you would have ended up and I am sure she is greatful for all the help your step mother has given to you in her absence. I would also suggest some family counseling so you can wade through all your feelings and start creating that relationship you have always dreamed of. I am so happy for you and I wish you luck with your biological mom.

Answer 6

Well the relationship you have with your bio mom will be nothing like the one with your stepmom, because the one with your stepmom is based on years of love and dedication. The one with your bio mom is in part based on fantasy, your fantasy that you are going to have the same type of relationship with her, and you can't because she wasn't there for you as a child. So as long as you realize that one is real and the other is part fantasy, you probably won't hurt anyone's feelings. If I were you, I would be much more concerned about hurting your stepmom's feelings than your Mom's....and if she pulls any crap, I'd tell her flat out that she has no rights to be making any kind of demands. You know who your loyalties should be with, so don't dishonor your stepmother because of your fantasy.

Answer 7

I think that if you and your step mom have a good relationship she would understand that you wanted to be with your real mom. I would just make it understood to both of them that you have two moms, which in this day and age is not a weird thing. I kinda have a similar situation except I have two dads. I love them both and both for different reasons. My step dad was the dad I needed at that time to love me and take care of me and my real dad I think I just really needed his love and friendship later on in life. Another thing, I would let your real mom know is that she might be your mom but she really needs to make up for lost time by just being your friend.

Answer 8

u should talk to them both. ur birth mother knows ur step mother had a big part in ur growing up. she should understand that ur close to ur step mom and always will be. ur step mom loves u as if u was her child. im sure she will understand u wanting to give ur mother a chance. just remember a mother isnt one that just gives birth but the one who is there no matter what.

Answer 9

Just keep your relationship with your bio mom separate and independent. Never put your new relationship over your old one... treat your step mom like before and always be there for her.
Keep your priorities straight. Your step mom is really your parent, whereas your biological mom is more like a good friend you just found. So treat them accordingly.

Happy story nevertheless!
Good luck.

Answer 10

If your stepmom really loves you, why should she have a problem with you wanting to know your mother? She probably had one, and as great as she was to you, it's just natural to want to know your mother. Just explain it to her. You're both adults.

And your mother-if she has a problem with you loving your stepmom, that's all her fault and she has to shaddup and deal with it. I know that sounds harsh, but she abandoned you and she shouldn't hate the person who stepped up and took her place.