Should I let her change the way I look?

Question

I like the way I look, my hair, my face, my clothes, etc. But she doesnt like it and she never did. I always wondered why she chose me if looks were so important to her. Looks aren't that important to me, obviously.
She wants me to change my hairstyle to something that I totally hate, and she fought with me so much that in the end she broke up with me. She wanted me to change my clothes too. At first, I said no, then I agreed to "follow the crowd" and buy Abercromie clothes. My hairstyle, however, expresses my personality and I dont want to change that at all. She wants me to have that "skater boy" or "california surfer dude" hair style.

This is very important to me because we were engaged for many months until last night, and we were in a serious relationship. I cant believe something so retarded as a hairstyle can ruin marriages. I dont bother her about the way she looks at all. Shes a pretty girl and I respect her style. So should I just give in and change my look?

wow guys. thanks for the great answers! and also, thanks for the great suggestions and a BIG THANK YOU for making me feel better about myself again. i honestly and truly have some sort of love for everyone who answered this question especially since you all gave me lots of support and strength. honestly, there is no "best answer" but i will choose one for the sake of the internet. all of your answers were great, and i will try all of your suggestions.

Answer 1

I don't think you should. If she is that superficial, then what about when you guys get old and you aren't looking so "hot" anymore. There are plenty of women who will love you and adore you for what you look like now. Stay strong and good luck.

Answer 2

Dear carlovingbiodude,

I really understand why she wants to change ur looks. I know u think that ur looks define who you are inside, but really they dont. I am sure that if she changes ur hairstyle or whatever, you will like yourself and your looks more. You will have more confidence. It's because you havent really had a drastic change in looks in ur life, and maybe you're scared that it won't turn out nice. Ask her to show you pictures from magazines of guys that hairstyle's she likes so that you would know what she is aiming for, and when she does, ask the hairdresser if this look will suit you, and if it doesn't, then what will. Don't be stubborn about changing your looks because she will be frustrated with you. Abercrombie clothes are really cool, and if you think they dont suit you, its because you're so used to yourself the way u r, or maybe its ur hair. Whatever it is, just let her do you the favor because it is really a favor. If you don't like how you look after the change, ask your friends and family or even people you don't know. She chose you because you're a nice person, but she wants to enhance you and make you the "whole package", not only for her, but for you and the people around you. Let her make you over, its for the better.

I hope this helped you, and i know that what i'm saying is true because i've experienced it.

Answer 3

Don't do it. The issue of your looks is a relatively minor subject, but the fact that it's such a bone of contention between you is indicative of what your life would be like later on if you began capitulating on basic self-power topics now. Oftentimes women look at men as "fixer projects" and set out in earnest attempting to build a better you. The problem is twofold: One woman's trash is another woman's treasure....if you let her make you over in her matrix, if things don't work out you'll face the same indignity when the next woman comes along attempting to turn you into some other s h i t. And, you'll soon get tired of trying to be what someone else wants you to be and long to recapture your own identity. It's far better not to surrender yourself in the first place. You were good enough to attract her in the first place, so accepting you for who you are should be sufficient.

Answer 4

Wow.. Well People Do Change For The People We Love.. But On That One, You Can Pick If Thats Changing Or Caring Too Much Of How We Look.

Answer 5

That would be a tough one... assuming that you really like other aspects of her, which I'm assuming you do because otherwise you would not have asked her to marry you.

I'm figuring she's probably a really great girl in many other ways. Though the way she behaves in regards to how you look is really awful, and she should not be pressuring you to change the way you look. In general, it just doesn't make sense to do that to someone you care about.

You should definitely not change the way you look to please her. I say this because its really important that you are comfortable with yourself and the clothes you wear. The same thing goes for your hair. You've figured out what works for you and you should stick with it.

Another reason is that if you change yourself to please her in the short-term, you may find yourself regretting it in the long-run, and you could end up resenting her for it, and being that you love her, you want to safe-gaurd her from potential resentment.

Explain this to her, and she should understand. If she doesn't than maybe she's not the one. I know that's probably not something you want to deal with, so hopefully she gets it. Good luck man.

Answer 6

Obviously, your look is not the reason you broke up. Usually, petty things like that SEEM like the reason for problems in a relationship, but in effect they are manifestations of buried feelings in the both of you about some other issue. Maybe she feels that you not changing your look means that you do not value her input. Maybe she feels like you don't listen to her. Maybe your hairstyle is so radically different from the norm that she is embarrassed to go out in public with you.

It can be a number of different things, but trust me when I tell you that your hairstyle is not the reason you broke up. She probably feels that she knows how you would look your best, and that you are not valuing her opinion by being stubborn.

Try to talk about underlying issues that may be at play. Reassure her that you do value her input on major life decisions, but your hairstyle is something you would like to call your own and should be left up to you. If she is still being stubborn and unreasonable, then you have to wonder if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will not accept you for who you are.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Don't change anything unless it's something you absolutely want to do, cuz if you change just cuz she wants it, you'll end up resenting her and it will never work out. Be who you are! Then, when someone falls in love with you, it will be the real deal instead of a conformist act. There's a lot of pretty packages out there with junk inside. Too bad people don't always realize that. Many people fall in love with 'potential' and what they think they can make someone into (ie; what they want). That concept just creates problems where there don't need to be any. Be the best YOU you can be.

Answer 8

If you like who you are that's all that's important and if someone cannot accept you for who you are they are the one with the problem.

Your girl is shallow, dude. You have a right to question why she is with you when she wants to remodel your entire look. If she would break up with you over something like that then she does not love you. She just has a need to control you and that's not healthy.

You respect yourself and go out there and find a great girl who loves you for you and whose knees go weak every single time you walk into the room. You deserver better than this.

Answer 9

No don't let her change you. Later she'll want to change your personality. Like you said you have been engaged to her. Not married. My best friend married someone who wanted to change the way she dressed. After the marriage he wanted to change her personality. Now both are very unhappy. Because he doesn't accept who she is. And she stooped caring if he likes her or not. You yourself said it wasn't just your hair. She also wanted to change your clothes. Think about it. If she broke up with you over nonsense like that. Once married with real problems. She would have wanted a divorce over it. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

I think making a '"few changes" could be for the better, however, it sounds like she's trying to do a complete makeover on you.

I dated this guy and on our first date, he showed up in a T-shirt with a deer head on it. I found out ALL his clothes were like this.
(He loves to deer hunt) so I bought him some nicer clothes and it actually turned him into conseated (he thought stud) !!

I loved his hair, but he parted it down the middle, I liked it combed straight back better. (I told him he looked like a red neck). He said (I am a red neck) hehehehe

So, I let the hair issue go. My point is, I liked so many things about him, but "I" thought I could make him look nicer because he had the qualities. Nice body for nice clothes, nice thick hair, etc.

But, he asked me to cut my long hair off, and I said no. Then I never bothered him anymore about his hair.

So, ask her why she's so consumed with your hair and always trying to change who you are?
Ask her, if you didn't like something about her would she change it for you? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
Because you are going to do this....

1) "Tell" her, you want "HER" to have her hair cut a certain way and stay firm about it.
(I don't care if you love her for exactly the way she is and you love her current hair style....YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A POINT AND STOP HER NOW OR FIND OUT SHE'LL NEVER CHANGE, BEFORE YOU MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE )

2) Find out what her "least favorit color is" and start "telling" her you like her best in that color for her clothes.

3) Tell her to "color her hair". If it's blonde, tell her to have it colored a light brown, if it's light brown, tell her to color it blonde.

Did you notice i kept saying "tell her"? You need to flip this around and "give her a taste of her own medicine". If she says, "I thought you loved my hair? " Tell her, it's ok, but I'd like it better if it were (blonde or brown) (the opposite of what she has).
Don't do all of this in the same day or week, just over the next 2 or 3 weeks. Be ready for an argument. But your recourse is.......If you don't want to change for me, don't ask me to change for you.

Tell her that is exactely how you feel. You are accepting her for her, she should do the same for you and if she can't, it's not going to work out. (The real issue here, is it starts with hair, clothing, etc. and it's actually going to turn into more serious changes, and I think you two will always argue about it)

Once you get married, there are plenty of things that will have to be discussed and you two should be making decissions together and coming to an agreement that make both of you happy) Like, where will you live? What state? Finances, When to start a family, etc...

so, if she wants to "control" you now on your hair, that is minor to what's just around the corner with marriage.
Explain all of this too her, so she knows exactely where you stand. It's your hair, it's your choice. this is a "personal thing".

Answer 11

No way for a nostril piercing. the only piercings i like are ear piercings. relatively some people have ear piercings. i stumble on nostril piercings look trashy and occasional priced, plus you have hollow on the factor of your nostril once you do no longer placed on the stud. it would entice pointless interest. additionally, what approximately her college? i do no longer comprehend the place you're, yet the place i'm all nostril piercings are banned from ALL colleges. And might she guard it and pay for it? As for the entire "scene" look, that is okay. relatively some young people placed on that look, dye their hair black and embellish their eyes with black eyeliner. that is in basic terms a form that she'll probable strengthen out of later. yet I nevertheless do no longer think of nostril piercings are a sturdy thought. as quickly as she's have been given one, what's subsequent on her record? A tattoo?