How do I tell her no because I dont like her husband?

Question

Im 21 weeks pregnant with my 5th. Ive always wanted to have a baby for some special family who cant. I have no regrets in life and love ALL my babies very much. My babies have all they need maybe not all they want but definaitlly all they need. If i go through this I would want this baby to have all he/she wants and needs. Heres the thing we have some friends that medically cant have kids. So my husband and I considered them to be our childs parents. One small thing though, I cant stand her husband. He is late 30's unemployed again, controlling towards her, and has a very short fuse. He will get mad at the smallest things and walk out of a job and has no problems letting her support him while he sits at home on his butt watching TV. He has had 8 jobs since 2007 all of which he walked out on. If I do chose to give my baby for adoption I want him/her to have a better life then we can provide. So any suggestions on how I can tell her No because I dont like her husband?? Thank you every1

Answer 1

If you can provide for four children you can provide for five.

The world is full of people who have been raised not having everything they want.

Answer 2

I agree, I think if you've already made it work for four kids, you can do it!!!!

It sounds like you have a very loving home life and adoption is an excruciating thing to put youself and your family through for no reason. (Or a very minor reason)

Your other children might start getting afraid that if times are tough you'll give them away too. Children are very perceptive. Your child that is given away may feel copmletely devastated to know that you did everything in your power to keep your family together for four children, but gave up on them.

I know it's not the glamorous picture of adoption that adoption workers and adoptive parents will always tell you, but it's realisitically the kinds of things you'll be facing later on down the road.

Don't let the ooey goooey adoption slogans about how it's such a "loving thing" cloud your perception of the fact that your child needs YOU and it really sounds like you can do this.

I have lived it as an adopted person and a person who made the mistake of listening to all the adoption propaganda and placed a child, when it wasn't absolutely necessary.

If there is any way you can keep, then I really hope you will consider the great value in that!! And if you truly feel that you would neglect this child, the child would not be fed, you would not want to hug the child or love the child... etc etc...

then you have to do what you have to do. And I wish you luck living with the after math of that.

(I think you will just love your new little bundle to pieces though and I wouldn't in a million years wish you to loose that precious baby!)

Answer 3

From what you have described, he is clearly NOT someone I would ever think of giving a child to. The child's safety and quality of life come BEFORE anyone's desire to be a parent.


I gave my first child up for adoption 15 yrs ago. When I was pregnant, my sister wanted to adopt my baby. It's one thing to have to tell a friend "No."...but imagine telling your own sister, "No!" She didn't speak to me for 5 yrs. But you know what, I made the right decision. I love my sister, but she could not give my child what I wanted for my child. My sister smoked, drank, did drugs, and went through husbands and men like crazy. I had no doubt my sister would love my baby, but she was not the right parent.

Honestly, what you tell her is up to you. You can simply say, "We've carefully considered this and have decided we cannot do this at this time." She might beg and plead or become angry, but you're talking about the life of an innocent child. Hold your ground and be firm. Chances are, she doesn't need you to tell her that her husband is an angry loser. I suspect that she wants a baby because she hates her husband and feels that a baby will bring her everything she is missing in her marriage.

You may lose a friend...but that's nothing compared to placing a child into a bad home.

Answer 4

I don't know if you are considering some other couple you know as the ones you want to adopt your child or not but, if you aren't then I think the best thing to tell these friends is that you want the people who adopt your child to be strangers to you, and not people you already know. Obviously this won't work if this couple knows the people or knows you know the people who will be adopting your child. However, I feel really strongly that for all parties involved in the adoption process -- it is better for everyone to use an agency or a private adoption and a lawyer and find a couple who want a baby but now someone you already know. I think it would be very hard for everyone to have the child be raised by their adoptive parents while their biological parents get to look on adoringly or longingly or furiously or jealously or pleadingly or judgingly (all at different moments along with thousands of other very real feelings) and not be able to have any say or control. I believe in open adoption but, the terms need to be very clearly defined and agreed on. If the people already have whatever relationship they have, it would be very hard to put strict boundaries on how the child is to be treated by each. So that's the answer I would give this couple and that's how I would say to give a baby up for adoption. Also, as an adoptive mother myself there is something I think all potential adoptive parents need to know and that is that the baby is not theirs until the birthparents give them the child. If you decide to give your child up for adoption it has to be because you want to give your child up and NOT because you want to do a favor for an infertile couple. If you want to do a favor for an infertile couple, consider donating your eggs and/or sperm to an infertility clinic. Or make a financial donation to an agency or orphanage. If you think you may be doing this FOR the infertile couple, you may very well be disappointed because they may not turn out to be as perfect as you imagine. Ultimately, this couple has no right to "expect" your child and you owe them no real explanation at all. It is your baby and you may keep it if you choose or give it up for adoption to whom you choose for what you think are the right reasons and owe no one an explanation of why "they" didn't get your baby. Good luck; I'm sure you're going through a difficult time.

Answer 5

This is a huge decision and I commend you on wanting to do something so selfless for another couple who is less fortunate. My husband and myself are trying to adopt a baby and the last thing we would ever want is for an adopted child to end up with an unhappy family relationship. All children deserve so much more than that. Material things are nothing compared to the love and support that parents must teach to their children. If you surrendered your child to this couple you bothwould be risking his/or her future happiness and health. This man sounds unstable and as noble as his wife is for sticking by her husband, your child should not have to suffer because this man can't hold his own. I sincerely hope you consider another family for this child and I think the best way to say no to her is to be honest about your reasons. Tell her as much as you respect her and see her as a wonderful potential parent you cannot say the same for her husband, list your reasons as to why and explain to her that your baby deserves both a loving and stable home. Best of luck

Answer 6

Wow this is hard even more if this lady is a good friend. Have you even talked to this couple about giving them a baby? Frankly you have nothing to be ashamed of I wouldn’t want a child placed in a household where from what you reveal the husband is controlling and has a short fuse. That could be disastrous for a child he’d probably have no patience for a crying or screaming child. That is never a good scenario look at baby’s who are shaken typical it’s because the parent or caregiver didn’t have patience. If you have talked to your friend about this. I’d be honest tell her you don’t think her husband would be the best father to the baby. It can be hard but ask her to really look at her husband and if she would want to place a child with a man similar to him, its possible she could be blind to his behavior that’s often the case.

Answer 7

Please don't give your baby to anyone. A baby does not know it's a seperate entity from it's mother intil much later and it is very distressing for an infant to be separated from it's mother with whom it has already bonded during the 9 months gestation

No decision should ever be set in stone prior to the baby being born. When you have the little babe in your arms, everything can change

Most of all remember this is YOUR baby and you are not obligated in any way to ANYONE and you certainly never owe your baby to anyone. The coercive tactics used in private adoptions these days are just apalling. People want your baby and will do what is best for THEM whilst claiming to do what is in the best interests of the child - it's all a load of bollocks and at the end of the day, that baby wants Mommy - there is no substitute.

Answer 8

that's the whole thing with being a birth mother who gets to chose, you can say no because you don't like someone. If you were at an agency, you would look at photo's of couples wishing to adopt and probably have interviews with them. One of them would stand out as the one you want. The others, you may have like one member of the couple better than the other. Sounds like you have not met the adoptive family for your baby yet. Also, giving the baby to someone that you a lot of close contact with is going to cause you some problems as they will be new parents and do things you won't like. Good luck and pray about it. You will find the right one

Answer 9

you have 4 kids and are carrying a 5th. You know like any mother how much love you have for all your kids, do you really think that you could go through 9 months of getting to know your baby and your baby knowing you just to give it up?
i know your stuck in a bind but have you talked about this with your other children to see how they would feel about having their brother or sister given to another family? This isn't a decision you can make alone, it has to be a mutual family decision. Your intension are good and you must have a big heart to even think such a thing but honestly ask yourself if you could realistically give away one of your kids.
I might sound like I a rambling but i speak from experience. I too was once in your shoes and i did give my daughter up for adoption yet i didn't give her brother up. That decision has haunted me everyday because she was my only daughter. i often wish i could go back and do it differently and i regret it all the time.
Good Luck in whatever decision you make.

Answer 10

You need to be comfortable with the mom and dad. We are debating adoption or going through a whole lot of fertility stuff in hopes of having a son of our own. So, with that said, please remember there are a lot of other parents who need and want a baby as much as you want your baby to have all she needs/wants. I know if we opt to adopt, we want a full and open adoption. I think what you are trying to do is amazing, but you cant place your child knowing you could be placing him/her in harms reach. Maybe you can tell your friend that you and your husband have decided on another family and go from there. She will come around. Besides, you can always say it would hurt you too much to see your child often knowing you cant have him back????

Answer 11

For a legal adoption, it may be required in your state that the parents undergo what's known as a "home study." If that is the case, they would never get an agreement to allow them to adopt.

I think the only thing you can tell her is that, to assure legality, you want to go through an established agency. Go to the agency, tell them your situation, and tell them that you want this couple to be reviewed for the adoption process.

You have more issues at stake here than "not liking" her husband. He sounds like a disaster and your child could be abused. Tell her that your number one goal for your child is to have a loving, stable home and that you want for a third, independent party to help you make this decision.

Then run, don't walk, to an adoption agency (not just an adoption attorney, but a real agency like Edna Gladney). There are many, many wonderful couples without these issues who would jump through the hoops of hell to have your baby.