Honest advice needed?

Question

My boyfriend (of one year) regularly tells me of things he got upto with his ex. They used to do loads of good things, things that now we will never do. While I don't talk about the things I did with my ex, I have argued with my boyf as to why I need to hear about all the things they have got upto. For example he will say things like "I'll take you to London, but not to this (specific) restaurant in Brick Lane, as thats where me and ex used to go for romantic meals", or "the best holiday i have been on was organised by ex, it was well cheap and we had a fab time"
When I talk to him about this, he says he is just telling me about the things he used to get upto, and then I feel bad for making a fuss.
So my question is, am I just being "female" in making a fuss, should I listen and not get upset? Or I am justified in feeling how I do? Any advice on how to deal with it??

Answer 1

I guess I somewhat disagree with the rest of the posters here... The way I look at it, his ex is a part of his life so thus he talks about it. It does not mean he still loves his ex or anything, it means that he had a life before he got with you and from the sound of it, he had a serious relationship with this person that lasted for some time.

However, I do not appreciate the way he dismisses your discomfort with bringing it up all the time. The question you have to ask is if he does this because he doesn't understand how/why it bothers you, or could it be because he doesn't think about what he is saying before he says it.

In either of those cases, it is really hard to say if it is a "bad" thing or not though... Men do not understand female emotions very well to begin with and if he's extremely comfortable with you it is acceptable for him to be himself, which could mean NOT editing his discussion topics or at least not "consciously" trying to edit them...

I mean if he is purposely flaunting his relationship then I'd say there is a problem, but if this is more of an accidental kind of thing I'd say it's a case of him being a, less emotionally in touch, typical guy who forgets himself or is a bit careless.

My fiancé of 7 years still brings up his exes in random conversation, in fact he has been known to bring up very private issues. I do not think he means anything by it, I think he is just sharing his experience and life with me. Those exes are a part of his past and a part of what makes him who he is today, just like he talks about his parents or his siblings...

You should determine why this is bothering you and make sure that your reasons for being upset with him are on a solid foundation. Would you be upset if he constantly talked about what wonderful things he did with his friends or parents, or is it specific to his ex?

Answer 2

I don't think you're making a fuss at all. I was in a similar situation to you and it was very hurtful. To be honest, he probably doesn't realise how much it effects you. Everyone is entiltled to a past, but it has to be delt with sensitively. If he really loves you he should respect your wishes. Tell him once more how hurt you feel. If he isn't listening then I sugest you think long and hard about the relationship. Do you want to feel second best all the time? I really hope you can work through this, good luck.

Answer 3

The way you act is totally justified!!
I wouldn't have that, no way!I think you should do it back to him,tell him things that you and your ex used to get upto, and even if it was crp, pretend it was brill and u had the best time ever!
I couldn't sit there and listen to my partner go on about things him and his ex got upto, I'd end up punching him and going out to calm down!Try doing it to him, see how he reacts....he may not react the first time coz he'll know you're just trying to see how he'll react, but do it for a while and you'll see he'll soon get p*ssed off with it!!
My man used to say 'She's well fit' or 'I'd definately do her' and things like that, I always asked him why coz it really hurts, but he said he just did it coz he likes seeing me jealous and possessive, and likes to keep me on my toes, so I decided I'd get him back!Every bloke that went past us, I'd say 'Phwoar, he's fvcking hot' 'I'd definately give him the ride of his life'......and guess what!?He hated it!!He doesn't do it anymore!!
Sorry I've blabbed alot, but give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it! My man hated it!!
Hope this helps!
Don't put up with it mate, your doing the same as every other girl would!!
Good luck!xx

Answer 4

You are 100% right, its a habbit of some that they wants to show that what they did to flatter you but if you really loves him or likes him then simply ignore his talks of his ex , the day will come that he will ask you that why you are ignoring him then tell him that you have no interest in his past, other option is that you also start telling him about your ex like if you to some lovers point then tell him that you had a wonderfull time with your ex here, like this he will may stop telling you the stories of his ex and one another option is that when ever he tell you that he went to x resturent with his ex then tell him that you too wants to go in the same resturent so he may thinks that you have no interest in his ex................ or simply tell him that you did a friendship with and not with his ex so this is the strait answer ... now you have so many options so I think that it may solve your probs

Answer 5

Next time he tells you about one of those wonderful trips, ask him when he is going to take you, so that you two can make some fantastic memories. Why can't you do the same things? Is there some sort of law that says he can not take you to the sames places that they went? If she was paying for it, I would say, "Oh another one of those trips she had to pay for, or it is the same one you have be mentioning for the last year?"

If you are really getting tired of it, I would ask him something like this, "If she was so wonderful, and you had such a good time with her, then why aren't you still with her instead of with me?"

Answer 6

u need 2 tell him 2 give u some respect or just say if u r that into ur ex then mayb u should go b with her or may b he has nothing better 2 talk about

Answer 7

Hi! Firstly, I sympathise, you must feel terrible listening to these kind of comments. Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you, this behaviour is just not nice and you have every right to feel bad about it. No, you're not just being female as a male with self respect would feel just as bad if his girlfriend said these kind of things. If a guy really sees you as his true love, believe me, he forgets every other woman and in fact he would be able to bring you to places he went with his ex without thinking of her..as his mind would be on you. I really think you should consider your relationship with this man. Maybe talk gently with him and express how you really feel. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but given the information provided, its my best advice.

Answer 8

I say, u should do the same... like tell him what great times u had with your ex. See his reaction and then decide if u are being female or not....

Answer 9

I think the way you feel is purely justified.
Anyone would feel like that. As no one wants her boy friend to talk about someone else when they are together.

May be your boy friend has not come out of the old relationship fully..

Try talking to him about this. If there is something missing from your side, try to fix that.

Make him realize that you do not like when he talks about his ex..
This is absolutely normal

Answer 10

im sorry hun but it sounds like hes still hung up on his ex,you deserve to be treated better than you are,tell him how much it hurts you to hear these things,he shouldnt be making you feel bad just cos you want to go places with him so what if he went to these places with his ex,he needs to get real,go and find yourself a byfriend that wants you and not his ex,good luck hun