To All Adoptive Parents and Birthmothers:?

Question

my cousin is pregnant and considering adoption for her baby. we're pretty close and we're worried about it.

see, she already loves the unborn baby. but without going through the pregnancy and bonding to the baby, is it the same? do adoptive parents have unconditional love for their child, or is it like raising someone else's kid: you like them, but don't love them. if you have one biological child and one adopted one, do you love them the same way, unconditionally, or do you love the biological one more? be honest please. this is online and anonymous.

and to birthmothers: do you regret placing your child for adoption? do you think that you could give your child a better home then their adoptive parents do? if you had to do it over again, would you change any of your decisions regarding your pregnancy?

she'd do the kind of adoption where she'd get some contact with her child, visiting them every so often. and she'd choose the parents. how does that work out? if you've adopted a child this way, i think it's called open adoption, does it work out? do you feel okay with the birthmother and her visiting? or is it like she's trying to steal your child's affections?

to rox: yes, she's being very mature in considering her options, but she wants to know that her child is being raised be people to whom the baby is not an accident, and who have finished their educations and are totally ready for a baby. she wants to have a life and keep going with her studies and she loves her baby to death but doesn't really want to be a mom, if that makes sense. plus: she does have a supportive family, but a baby is a huge thing, and a supportive family isn't a cure to all problems.

it's not me or my family planning to adopt the baby! we were talking about the pregnancy, and she told me some worries she has, and i offered to ask about it on here. that's all.

Answer 1

I am a birthmother who gave two newborns up for adoption. I have absolutely no regrets and I have the type of adoption agreement that is open and the adoptive parents agreed to allow me to see the babies. One is now 4 and the other is almost a year. It is the best decision i have ever made for myself and my children. They both have lives better than I could ever give them and I get to see them several times a year and talk to them on the phone at least once a month. The only thing I would tell her to be careful of is that although I got lucky and found great people to adopt my children, there is no guarantee or law that protects the birthmothers rights as far as seeing the child after birth. The adoptive parents sign an agreement and the agencies encourage them to stand by their agreement to allow the birthparents to see the child but it is not legally binding. So, just warn her to be very careful of who she chooses for adoptive parents. If she isnt completely comfortable with the adoptive parents she chose, she is always allowed to change to another set of parents all the way until the baby is born and the papers are signed. As long as she is comfortable withe them it should be ok. I can only tell you it has been a great thing for us and I am very close with the two families who adopted my children! I give her a lot of credit for having the courage to do this!

Answer 2

I have 7 children, 4 came natural birth, one came c section and the other 2 came by adoption. All of them are mine!! They just got here by different means. And I have found that I love them all to an equal degree. I also know that there are people out there who cannot accept a child who is not their blood, they should not adopt. I tell my adopted daughter, that her birth mother was not a bad person, just that some times the most love is shown when the child is placed with someone else. Some women are just not meant to be mothers, as in this case, and sometimes the situation just makes it better for the baby and mother for them to let the baby go to a family who is more ready for that child. I think adoption is the purest act of love that a parent can do for a child that they are not able to care for. And I will always be thankful to the mothers who love their children enough to give them a better way of life.

Answer 3

I'm not sure exactly what the purpose of your question is but, I will answer it with the information I know. I have a daughter who is nearly 18 that I gave birth to, and a son who is 11 that we adopted at birth.
There is no question that I (and my husband as well) am bonded and equally in love with my two children. I think adoptive parents love their children just like biological parents do. I think families are the same whether they are formed biologically or through adoption. Families that are filled with love impart this to their children.
My concern about the wording of your question is whether it is about you planning to adopt this baby and your concern about the biological mother loving her child. While I don't know anything from experience about adopting a baby when you know the parent(s), I could absolutely see where it could create its own set of difficult issues.However, I think it is completely normal and healthy for the mother to be in love with her baby even though she is planning on giving him/her up for adoption. I think it is better for the mother to be able to conciously love her baby right now, knowing and acknowledging that she will be giving him/her up nonetheless. I think the biological mother will definitely go through a period of grief and sadness but it will be easier on her knowing she loved her baby when she could. There is a wonderful book written from the birthmother's perspective that highlights the love all mothers feel for their unborn babies. It is called, "Did My First Mother Love Me?" It will give you an idea of what the birthmother is likely going through.
If the bigger question you have is about adopting this child, I think you should get the perspective from other parents who have adopted a child when they are in touch with the birthparents as family or friends. While I believe in the concept of open adoption, I think it could be very hard to raise a child as your own while the birthmother is nearby and involved and attached but has no rights or authority. I think this would be particularly difficult when the birthmother is already a friend or relative. I have no experience in this situation but I urge you to seek out people who do before you adopt a child from someone you know. The fact that this pregnant woman already loves her unborn child is not the issue.

Answer 4

I have an adopted daughter, who is now 7 years old. It was like an open adoption. She was born out of wedlock. I allowed her biological father and mother to visit her when she was younger, until both of them (separately) migrated to other countries. I love her like my own. Honestly, I don't even feel that she didn't come from my own womb. I have other children, and I treat them equally. My children love her like a real sister. We never talked about her being adopted, even though she knows she is. I revealed this a year ago. There were tears in her eyes when I did so. When I asked her why, she simply said: "How I wish I really came from your tummy". My answer was: "You may not come from my tummy, but you did come from my heart!". She cried even more and hugged me. Things didn't change. It was like I didn't tell her she was adopted.

As for your cousin, if she isn't ready to be a parent, it's alright to take that option. I understand her situation. It's for unselfish reason. It's for the child's better life and future she's more concerned of. But I'm sure that that won't be easy for her. It would break her heart to let go of the child. And it would be even more painful to see her baby being nurtured by other people. I suggest that she avoids that part. Let the adoptive parents do their part, and be like real parents to the child, without any hindrance that your friend might cause. All she can do is pray hard for the adoptive parents and her baby. Pray for her self as well, that she may get through all these.

Answer 5

First of all this is a decision only your cousin can make, and it has to be one she is willing to live with. Adoption is better than an abortion, and many adopted parents love their child as much as one they gave birth to, but each person is their own person, you have to think of it this way, the couple or individual could not have their own child, but want one. Why would they not love it, out of the thousands of adoptions, granted the only ones that make on the news are the ones that fail. As for the birthmothers, some will regret it, some will learn to live with it, and some will know this was the best choice for the child. Again each person reacts differently.

Answer 6

My sister was adopted, and I know my parents never made any difference in us, they adopted her when she was 6 months old. She always was my sister and my parents loved her just as much. As for her birth parents she always had some contact with them, and it was never a problem, because first it was never treated as a secret, and they never tried to interrupt her life, or her place as my parents daughter. They were more like extended family, someone who visited a couple times a year, or called occasionally.
As to the kind of adoption, it would be a private, open adoption. I am currently hoping to adopt this way, and it is handled through two attorneys. One for the birth mother, and one for the adopting family. I hope this helps, tell your cousin she is making a hard, but loving decision. I wish her peace of mind and god's blessings.

Answer 7

I think the first thing to remember, is that the fact your cousin is considering every option available to give this child the best life possible, also points to the fact that she has the kind of maturity that is needed for being a good mother.

Don't be swayed by the material goods that adoptive parents posses. If your cousin is really loving this child and wants to give everything she can, then as her family member I would encourage her to follow her heart and plan to raise this child.

Many women who place due to be single, low income, or younger than adoptive parents often have regrets.

Women who feel that they may have been abusive, a danger for their child, or really didn't want to parent at all will often not feel regret, and will feel happy they gave their child more than what they were willing to give.

But she obviously has loving family members there to be supportive!!! So don't turn a pregnancy into a "crisis" pregnancy just because it wasn't planned!!!!!!!

There are a lot of resources out there and it sounds like a lot of love in your family. The love, consistancy, and responsability to provide a safe environment are the most important thing for a child, not a back yard, piano lessons, and private schooling!!

I really wish her luck and I hope she finds all the resources she needs to parent, and further more, understands that she deserves that help, that is what those resources are for!!! They don't exist for people to plan on having 5 kids and living on welfare, they exist for people who are trying to be responsible and temporarily use some help to provide for their families. As long as that is the intention, then that is the purpose of all social services!!

Good luck!

Answer 8

I had a baby in January of this year and gave her up for adoption. I didn't even make my full decision about it until Thanksgiving right before I had her BUT I did know deep in my heart the whole time I was pregnant my ultimate decision. The day and the couple days following after I had her I was fine, of course, I had a c section so I was on a lot of pain meds. I saw her 3 days after I had her for the first time. It was very surreal, kinda like she wasn't mine. About close to a week after I had her I started regretting it. I guess I had post pardon which felt worse because I had nothing to show for it. I had no baby. I kept these feelings inside because I didn't want to disappoint my family. Let me tell you, that was the most horrible thing I could ever ever do to myself. Finally exactly a week after I had her I broke down to my family. They took me to my family doctor where I could voice my emotions to an unbiased person who could help me sort through my feelings. That's all I needed was someone to talk to that I knew wasn't judging me. The very next day I felt so much better. And, I really haven't been sad about it nor regretted it since. I think the whole thing could have been avoided if I just would have talked to someone about my feeling sooner.

Answer 9

Bonding starts during pregnancy. You can still bond with your adopted child but the whole process is different. Many parents are able to love their biological and adopted child equally but that does not apply to all.
There are untold true that adopted child being sent back to the agency/parents after the adopted parents found themselves unable to handle the baby due to the unprepared circumstances.
Every child is unique and different, but that does not mean every parent are able to handle all sort of characters.
I believe no one can give the best of love except the birthmother and birthfather. But financially some are blessed to provide better environment for the child which may not be the biological parents.
If you love children, you will love your adopted child as much as your biological. If you don't love kids or have any doubt in yourself in loving equally, then please don't.

Answer 10

I am an adoptive mother. I love my daughter more completely and unconditionally than anyone or anything else in the world. Is attachment with an adopted child the same as with a biological child? Well, I can't say from experience because I don't have any biological children, but it probably happens differently. There isn't the "jumpstart" from the womb time. But it does happen, and it does happen just as completely. I also think that a parent's relationship with each individual child is different, whether adopted or biological - not more or less, just different with different dynamics.

As far as birthparents regretting their decision, I hate to think of that happening. Advise your cousin to receive private counseling, not just counseling from an adoption agency. If there are temporary circumstances that make it hard for her to raise her child, perhaps they can be overcome. Be supportive of whichever decision your cousing makes: she will need it. Offer any support you can to your cousin: financial, practical, emotional.