Taking care of your aging parents. Nursing home or not?

Question

Have any of you ever made the tough decision to either have to place your parents in a nursing home or have decided to care for them in your home?

And I am referring to the point where you have to take care of their physical needs too. Diapers..baths..feeding..etc.

After taking care of my father at home for 3 years, I finally placed him in a nursing home and the guilt is killing me. He is 86, and although he has been there 2 years he still wants to come home. I only see him on Sundays, but I do bring him home for dinner, and he sometimes spends the night, but then I avoid him for the rest of the week because of the guilt.

But I still feel selfish. I know someday I will regret this. But I'm not happy with him at home, and I'm not happy with him in a nursing home. I feel so frustrated, but I can't see a good answer to this.

I live alone and have to work, so when the caregivers leave at the end of the day it would only be me.

Answer 1

When care-giving gets beyond the capacity for the family, and in particular, for the single caregiver, assisted care or nursing home must be considered.

Being the caregiver for an invalid is the single most stressful duty you can ever experience. It is common for the caregiver to get sick and even die shortly after the patient finally dies. And the length of time that it takes for a patient to die has expanded greatly because the medical establishment likes to milk the elderly for as long as they can just for the Medicare money. They extend life without considering the quality of life. It is a very horrible system.

If you are the designated caregiver, there is a whole set of regulations you have to live up to, and the cost for being accused of neglect is very high. His needs are growing and you still have to work for a living. Something had to give. In order to hold a job, you have to turn over part of the care-giving to professionals. You can't allow yourself to feel guilty over this. I realize that he probably feels like he is in prison or something like that.

All I can say is make sure there is a living will with the order to not resuscitate beyond a certain point. You also need to make a point of dropping in unnanounced for visits (inspections) just in case there is neglect or abuse.
Take him out for lunch during the week if you can. Bring him little treats and try to fix his room up like at home.

Answer 2

Sometimes you can get 24/7 assistance. Do you have siblings? If so, enlist their help, or see if they can take him in. Please don't avoid him. He's already feeling rejected, so please see him often during the week. Maybe if you see him more, he won't want to come home as bad, and you'll feel less guilt. Sometimes it just gets to a point where a person needs a skilled nursing facility, because it's too much for the family to handle. I always tell people, if at all possible, keep the person at home, enlist various home health agencies, etc. But sometimes it's too much.

You can email me and I can get you more info if you decide to have him back home.

There are those that say they'd never use nursing homes. Easy for them to say since they weren't yet put in that position. If you research several nursing homes, visit them often before deciding on one, watch what the workers are doing, how they treat the residents, etc., you can make a good choice. There are many good nursing homes. I know, I worked at a couple. I now do Hospice.

Also, do pop in every couple of days. Don't tell the NH, just pop in. Do pay attention to how the other residents are treated. Get to know the families of these other residents as well. You can be each other's support.

I can also tell you that having people come into your home is stressful. What people don't understand, is most of the time it's only for an hour or so, and the rest is back on you. They don't realize just how stressful it is, even with caregivers coming into your home. They don't realize that since you have to work, if the caregiver calls out sick, doesn't show, etc and no one else can cover, you have to stay home and miss out on that day's wages.

Answer 3

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are only one person and can't provide everything that is required for your aging and physically ill father. Of course he would like to come home but, he is not able to live there without the help of others and, because you work, it would be difficult to care for him, be totally rested so you are able to work and not have the worries associated with his care. He is in a nursing home with around the clock care. I would encourage you to go and visit him more often. He wants things to be as they once were but time changes things, and physical disabilities are of major concern. You don't want him to be at risk for falling or having a health issue which you couldn't handle on your own. The nursing home staff has professionals to deal with all of these issues. He is in a better place for medical care especially since people are on the staff all the time. Someone is awake and able to check on him whereas if he were home and something happened while you were sleeping, you would feel more guilty than you do now. Go and see your Dad when you can; don't avoid him and don't feel so guilty. You took care of him for 3 years and you know how difficult it can be. Be sure that he has the things that he needs and make those visits to home with him very special. In his heart he probably does know that you are doing what you can. He wishes for the good times from the past and you can't blame him for that.

Answer 4

It is really a tough choice.I have did some volunteer work at a nursing home and i guess after that i don't think i could put my parents in a nursing home. If you still have to work then that is hard though.I guess instead of the nursing home thing you could try having someone come into the house to help with some of the things.Everyone situation is different though.I mean financial ways,who else can help you etc.I mean i really don't think you should feel guilty though one person can only do so much.I think you need to look at your whole situation and see what is right for you.I don't know if you have any siblings that can help or any other relatives.GOOD LUCK AND DON'T BE TO HARD ON YOURSELF!

Answer 5

My mother needed more care and we called Visiting Nurse Service of New York. They have been helping families for more than 100 years.

They came in did an evaluation and within two weeks they had a skilled person at home to assist with my mothers care.
If you do not live in New York, call the Department of Aging or SEIU (Service Employees International Union), or AARP, they can provide information on home care assistance.

We decided that our mother would not receive the kind of care in a nursing home that we would want for ourselves. So we kept her at home, but got professional help.

I understand your feelings. With professional assistance and skilled home care, you will be happy to have your father at home without doing the heavy lifting yourself.

Importantly, home care is much less expensive than a nursing home.

Seeing your father once per week puts pressure on both of you. Having him at home will relieve the stress and guilt.

He will be happy to know he has a loving daughter. You will be happy your father is not being abused and lonely in a nursing home.

If you need more information you can email me.

Good luck and may God Bless you.

Answer 6

try not to feel guilty - you have been a great daughter. you tried for 3 years, until it got to be too much for you. you put your dad in a nursing home, where you visit him regularly, and, even, bring him home for dinner and he spends the night. you are giving of yourself, more than a lot of other children do for their parents. you are doing all this on your own, with no help from others, while trying to hold down a job and take care of your life. this is not easy and i think you have handled and are handling your father in a very kind, carrying way. so, start feeling good about yourself - you are doing the right things for dad and for yourself. be proud of yourself.

Answer 7

I have not YET had to make that choice.

But my husband and I have talked about this before.

The decision we came up with was having someone come help me take care of them. There are services that have live-in keepers to help you take care of them or if they were to stay in their own apartment, which I've heard costs alot less than the home.

My Mother used to be in that line of profession, Live in care giver, most of them were unable to move unless it was by motorized wheel chair.

They gave her some sort of salary, and paid for her house bills and gave her a room, and fed her.

Alot easier I would think knowing someone was there to care for them and not having them live with you, if you are not happy and it keeps him out of the HOME.

I know I will have to come to this someday, and when it does, i think that is the way I am going to go. I can go see my dad when I want and still know he's taken care of, mine is 70 years old.

Answer 8

You need other family members to help you out with this, to help with the care and what not. If they refuse, then for your own sanity, a nursing home. You can check on them daily for your own satisfaction.

Answer 9

We all feel guilty when things like this happen. The reality is that it is so very difficult to care for someone in your own home when they are no longer able to take care of themselves. You've done more than can be expected of you so don't feel guilty.

Answer 10

no way. those nursing homes are ridiculous. i will never place my parents in a nursing home, i will find a way for them to live in my house or for them to buy a house near me. besides they will feel lonley with people they dont know at the nursing home and you should spend more time with them than ever because they might die early