views and experiences on tracing birth mothers?

Question

I am a 31 year old mother of 2 and i would just like to hear other peoples experiences of finding their birth mothers, its something im thinking about doing?

Answer 1

I searched and found my mother 2 years ago.
It's been a rough journey.
She is still having a lot of problems getting over all the secrets she was made to hold on to for almost 40 years.
Her family (mother and sisters) were no real support to her - she was told to just 'get over it' - no counseling - not even able to talk about it.
She did end up marrying my father just 6 months after my birth - and I am now in contact more with him.

I have also found a sister - and we are very close & so very alike.

People liken the experience of search and reunion to a rollercoaster ride - many ups and many downs.

Not many adoptees gain support from their adoptive parents for searching either - so this can cause strain and stress.
My adoptive parents passed away a long time ago - but I still felt guilt in searching - as my a-mum wasn't open to me finding out about my family of origin - and those comments stick for a very long time.
Really - she should have had more faith in our relationship as mother and daughter - and I'm sad she was never told that adoptees really need to find out this stuff.

Nothing can totally prepare you for it - grab all the support around you that you can get - read as much as you can - get to support groups if you can find them (in person) - or visit some on-line forums which offer great support to adoptees on the search!!

BUT - for me - it has been the most grounding and self affirming event in my life. I'm finally finding out my story - my truth.

I wish you all the best in your search.

Answer 2

I did not know I was adopted until I was 45 1/2, my (adoptive) mother was dead, and my (adoptive) father was not well. It took me 2 years 1 month and 1 day to find my birth mother. Although the search itself had some rough moments, I am very glad I searched and found my birth mother. She died a little over a year ago, but I had over 8 years of having had a relationship with her and I have the satisfaction of knowing that she went to her final rest with the knowledge that her only daughter was/is okay, and that she had two wonderful grandchildren, too. And I now have an extended family who have enhanced my life, too.

That is not to say that all searches and reunions end up well. Failure to find who you're looking for and rejection by the found person(s) are real risks you take. Be prepared for either. In my opinion, it is better to search than to regret never searching. If you do find the birth mother(s), you may be provided with medical histories that can be very important. And, if the reunion is a positive one, all parties involved can feel good. Feel complete. Have questions answered and resolve negative feelings.

Remember - although someone gave birth to a child, giving birth doesn't take the place of the mother and father (adoptive, in this case) who took care of the child and demonstrated their love for the child. A person can love their adoptive parents' AND love their birth parents - in different ways. The active participation in a child's life, and the love the child received and felt, takes priority over any birth relationship.

Answer 3

I would highly recommend it to anyone who is adopted for just the simple peace of mind regarding medical history. Searching can take years of time or in some cases a few hours. Everything depends on the state you were adopted in and how they handle their records and what information they will release to you.

Having your adoptive parents support can always be helpful because they often know more than you might think. Some have seen names in files they were signing etc.

I have worked with adoption searching for a couple of years and I will say that about 80-85% of the reunions are welcomed with open arms on all sides of the triad but there are those that do not go as hoped. Everyone needs to be prepared for the possibility of rejection and even if you go in with no expectations when it happens it can still be difficult to deal with.
Once you decide to search, please register with the following places 1st.
isrr.net
g's adoption search
registry.adoption.com
findme.org
and any state specific private run registries that you can find.
Also please a consent to contact in your adoption file with the agency and the state so taht if someone comes searching for info on you the process will be much quicker for the reunion.

Good luck

Answer 4

Cara, I found my birth mother 4 yrs ago. She refused to meet me and was not wanting to be found. I ended up in Indiana on her doorstep with my best girlfriend. I felt she at least owed me the chance to look her in the eyes and at the very least answer some medical history questions. ( I always hated going to Dr and not having any medical history). Anyway, long story but we ended keeping in touch for about 6 months until I had to end this unhealthy situation for myself. I went thru some depression and things were rough for me for about a yr. But, Cara, this was the BEST decision I ever made and would do it again in a heartbeat. My life has come full circle now and there are all those unanswered questions of 40 yrs that now have answers and are put to rest. Good luck dear.

Answer 5

I found my birth mum 3 and a half years ago! I was 57 then and mum 84. It was the best thing I ever did, it explained so much about me, and I now know who I am. We have a loving relationship, and she was allways sorry that she had to give me up for adoption, and I know she had wondered about me throughout the years, even though she had other children. I also have a half sister who I have relationship with, and am very happy now. It has been a roller coaster ride for me, extremely emotional, and unless others have been adopted they can never truly understand how we feel. What ever you decide to do, I wish you happiness, and above all, peace in your life.x

Answer 6

I am adopted and have often toyed with he idea of finding my birth mother I have her name and yet have done nothing to look for her. I think it is the fear of rejection that has stopped me all this time. However there are counselors to aid with the emotions you may feel during the search and talking to others that have found their biological parents may help too. If you decide to go ahead I wish you good luck and hope you have great success.

Answer 7

*smile* funny meeting you here, Donna. time to plan a road trip, maybe. Before you gas up the car, might be worth while to absolutely check the location of marriage and divorce records in Collin, Dallas, and Hopkins. Denton not impossible.. if Virgie ran off to get married. Maybe even Rockwall or Kaufman. I would not yet rule out based on Alton's lack of memory. Mom's comment is that the Toombs seemed to be persons that were not 'talkative'. It might be worth the time to find the obit from Arizona and see if her kids can be found and asked.

Answer 8

I found my birthmother when I was 18. I am now 35. We have had an on again,off again friendship. There were times in her life that due to her problems she wasn't available, but that is why she wasn't able to raise me. I have learned to accept her as she is. I may not be able to depend on her the way I could my adoptive mother,but I like her alot as a person.

Meeting her filled the hole I had inside. It was really cool seeing where I get alot of my attitudes LOL.

Also I got two awesome little sisters in the deal.

Mindi

Answer 9

My brother and I are both adopted and I was always curious to find my birth mom, my brother wasn't curious to find his birth parents and then one day by accident we found his birth mom to find out she was crazy, he had 4 other kids after my brother and lost them all to the state, choose them over abusive boyfriend, and is now a born again christian and crazy. after finding this info. out I stopped looking for my birth parents, but came to peace with it I love my adoptive parents and that is good enough for me. I have recently come into health issues and have thought about searching again, but I know there are test they can run to help you become aware of issues. good luck and be prepared for being disappointed just in case. I have always thought that there was a reason I was adopted and I'm greatful my birth mom made that choice.

Answer 10

I searched & found 20 years ago. Just get yourself ready, and go for it.

You might want to find a support group locally.

Start reading books: Anything by Betty Jean Lifton, The Primal Wound, The Girls Who Went Away.

Sites to visit:
adultadoptees.org
adoptioncrossroads.com

It's a curvy road, but it will make you a stronger, more whole human being.

Good Luck.