What do you think of this??

Question

May red be the colour of the blood you lose protecting the life of a child in danger
May green be the grass you lay on, even though there is an empty seat on the park bench, but you see that there is and edelry woman on her way to that seat so you let her have it
May white be the colour of the snow you watch fall fromt the sky so peacefully and wish the world could be as peaceful as that
May blue be the teardrops that come from your overwhelmed eyes, when you've finally succeded in something that you've yearned for , for so long
May pink be the colour of your cheeks when you get complimenetd for being the great perosn the you are ;]
And may clear be the colour that shelds you from all the blacks, and the jealous greens, and leads you to the yellows, and even somethimes to the misunderstood purples, and keeps you strong, and pure.

the task that we had to do was right a poem that was 3 stanzas, creative, and orginal, and orginazied.is this even a poem?and if you have any ideas on how i can make this better please let me know

(btw i know it isn't 3 stanzas)

Answer 1

Your idea is very good; however, your poem is too wordy. I like the idea of connecting pretty colors to noble ideas, but you do so much explanation with the examples that I forgot what each color was by the time I finished reading the examples.

Try using words that describe human traits like honor, courage, charity, pride, humility, etc. instead of those long examples.

Ex: (not necessarily good, but more poetic, more metaphoric)

May your hope be a yellow light, a bright beacon that leads you through troubles.

May purple courage lead you into battles against those who would hurt others.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I liked the poem but you need to do a spell check if this is going to be graded. keep up the good creative writing. :)

Answer 3

I think that it is trite.