my ex just cursed me out. how do i explain to him that his son hates him because of him.. not me?

Question

i have a 14 year old son who hates the air his dad breathes. We were both young when my son was born (i was 13 and he was 14). Our relationship ended about 5 months after my son was born. He was a good dad up until my son was about 9. that's when his "fiance" came into the picture. and since he met her he has been slacking as a dad big time. He would make promises to come and get my son for the weekend and never show up... not even call and say i cant make it. Would promise to come to my sons football games or take him to practice and never show. Promise to buy him stuff and never get it etc.

Anywho, me and my now husband have been together off and on since i was 14 and even in our off periods he has been like a father to my son. My son even calls him dad and calls his "father" by his real name. My husband and son are very close, and it's partially because he's always been there to pick up when his "father" let him down. now my son is 14 and we have a situation.

cont.

my ex and his fiance have finally set a date for the wedding (which i thing is odd because they have been "engaged" for years now but after i get married, all of a sudden they have a date set... but anyway)

My son hasn't seen or talked to him since his birthday (august 13). My ex came by last night to tell us they had set the date and ask my son to be in their wedding. So my son says no. His father asked why and he told him...

"i dont **** with you like that, all you did was loan my mom some sperm. You been bullshyting me for years now and want me to be in your wedding like we cool... nah, im good"

my ex left and this morning he called me and left me a really nasty message saying i turned his son against him, and how he's gonna go a file for custody and etc.

but i didn't. although i hate his father too, i have never said anything bad about him to my son. when he made promises and didn't keep them, I just picked up the slack along with my husband.

cont.

we never said anything bad about him to my son. How do i explain to him that my son hates him because of the way he has neglected him since his "fiance" came into the picture. My son is 14, he's not a baby. he can see things for himself. I dont have to say anything bad about his father to him..... he sees how his father is with his own two eyes.

When my son used to cry because his dad didn't show up like he promised, although i hated him for it... I never said anything, i just picked up his slack. So how is it my fault?? or my husbands fault.??

and he actually had the nerve to say "i am a good father, I pay child support" wtf. My son never asked for his money, just his time.. and he refused to give it. so why be mad at me because now he doesn't want it. All my son wants to see now is the child support checks that go straight into his bank account. Nothing more.

How do i explian to this idiot that he did this, not me. without the situation getting uglier??

@ edith, my son does have Respect.... just not for his sperm donor. and why should he?? respect i earned not given. If he couldn't respect my sons feelings enough to be there for him...... why should my sone respect his feelings enough to spare him the truth??

And i don't agree with the language he used.... but it is what it is. He was upset and expressing himself. And we dont need counseling. My son has a mother and a father (step father) who loves him dearly along with the rest of his family. If he doesn't want a relationship with his biological father im not gonna force one on him. he had his chance and blew it. so that's on him. Just dont blame me and my husband for your not being there (not you, but him)

@ ang=) learn to read boo. I said he was a good father up until my son was 9... then he started slipping once his "fiance" came into the picture. And being a father requires so much more than just having sex.... and thats all he really did.

and I dont recall asking you if it was bad or good that i had a baby @ 13. Believe me, me and my children are straight. So keep all that xtraness to yourself and just stick to the question.

Answer 1

giiiirrrl, why is you even wasting your time tryna explain anything to his sorry azz. he know he foul and messed up thats why he blaming yall. BiBi aint do nothing wrong with cussing his azz out.... tell him cuss that nicca out for me too next time. I hate his azz. but anywho, who cares. let him bytch, moan, cry and scream like he always does and yall just keep doing what yall doing.

lmao @ loaning sperm.

Answer 2

If you feel the need to respond to your ex's accusations just send him a copy of your question. That pretty much says it all. Know that it will be a waste of time. Your son's biological father has no grounds for winning custody and any lawyer worth his fees will tell him that. You responding to him will only make the situation worse.

For your son's sake, you may want to try to steer him away from hating his biological father. It's not healthy for your son to hold onto hatred. You have some resentment still and you need to try to let that go. Even though you may not say negative things about your ex in front of your son, he can still pick up on your feelings. Your son has his own feelings and he has a loving Mom and Dad to be there for him. Try to teach him compassion and understanding. Yes, it hurt him that his father wasn't there for him and yes there were a lot of empty promises. But your son doesn't have to let another person's failings affect the rest of his life. Teach him to focus on what he has, on the love and the time that he gets from his parents. Teach him to let go of the anger and the resentment.

By learning how to do that now you'll be giving him a good basis for living the rest of his life in peace rather than holding onto something that may end up affecting his relationship with his own kids once he has some. Even though you have a good family relationship with your son and your husband, it may not be a bad idea to get some counseling to help your son deal with the issue of having a biological father who's trying to stir things up. He has to learn a more productive way of handling his feelings for his own sake.

Answer 3

You can't. He won't understand it. I'm sure he sees himself as father of the year material and that the only reason his son hates him is because of you. The self-centered type will never see any fault with anything they do.
He can file for custody all he wants, your son is old enough to tell the courts who he wants to live with and tell them exactly what your ex has done to him. No judge in his right mind would force your son to live with him.
Continue being a good mother and be grateful your husband has been such a good "father" when the biological didn't bother. Bless you both!

Answer 4

going through the same problem kind of my son ins 7 and hates his father I have tried to push my son on his dad b/c I wanted them to have a good relationship ( way wrong of me) my BF soon to be husband is like a father ( we both know the difference) for him and my son LOVES him. My ex husband has never said anything about a custody battle b/c he knows he would loose everything... but your son is 14 there is NO WAY thta your ex can get custody in most states when the child is 13 they have the choice to live with which parent they want to and the JUdge will look at the best intrest for the child.... YOU might have to get UGLY though and tell the JUDGE that you are the more responsible parent and you might have to go through DSS but don't worry when it is all over you'll be able to look back and laugh at him

Answer 5

ok first of all....u had a kid when u were thirteen. wow. that really bad. Anyways, ur kid should still have respect for his dad. Cuz its his dad. He shouldnt talk about him like that. So, his dad has another family now. At least he wants his son to be in the wedding and be a part of his new life. So maybe he wasnt a good father but he was 14 years old!! how do u raise a kid if ur still a kid urself.

Answer 6

your ex can try to blow you all the shi# he wants ,it wont do him any good. let him try to take you to court. after your son states what kind of a dad he is ,he wont get anything. you can even have all visitations rights taken away since your son doesnt want anything to do with him.he knows he has done wrong and all he wants is to try to blame someone else. he is the one paying for it now and theres nothing he can do. when your son gets older and if he wants to ,he can ask him why he did what he did,but i dont think it will really matter to him. there are alot of men like that and try to blame the mother,but you can rest easy because you know better. you and your husband have been good parents for him . thats all he will ever need.

Answer 7

Your son has a brain, and apparently he is using it.

It's a shame his father didn't take the time to do things with the child a long time ago. Your ex made his nest now he has to lay in it.

You don't have to explain anything to him... your best bet is to ignore him, don't try to counsel him (it would do no good anyway). Do not react to your ex's phone calls or his accusations.

go on with your life... if you don't give the ex any reactions he will shut UP eventually.

Answer 8

So what's the problem other than your son's mouth? He can't get custody and frankly all he is doing is being mad and blaming you cause his son told him the truth.

Ignore it, and keep on the path of being there for your son and not talking bad about your ex. He's not grown yet, and may never. Be glad he's someone else's problem.

Answer 9

number one, that is STILL his father... he shouldnt be allowed to use those nasty words... teach the kid respect
get into FAMILY counseling, ordered by court for you, your son, and your ex...
do it or this will bite you in the butt later!
mark my words