If your 40-something year old male friend extended numerous sexual invitations to your 14 year old daughter?

Question

what would you do?

Why would any parent remain friends with such a person?

BlueLadyBlue R: please don't bite my head off right now, I'm not in a good enough frame of mind to take it. I was the child for crying out loud.

Why (can anyone tell me this) would a parent turn a blind eye

I AM NOT THE PARENT!!!!! I was the child and I am TRYING to figure out what motiviated my parents to defend this creep rather than protect me.

I told them. they believed me. they knew he was sick.

then the next day my dad goes and drink beer with him and that the end of it.

6 years down the track my dad makes a considerable effort to stay friends with although they now live a considerable distance from each other.

I am trying so hard to work out why.

I am seriously considering printing your responses and posting them to my parents to read.

Answer 1

(((((((((tash))))))))

your parents were obviously too weak and stupid to deal with him. if it was my daughter i doubt he would be able to walk right now.
hope you get some good counselling my friend.
never ceases to amaze me that some parents can be so cruel and abusive or passive to abuse.
you are not in any way to be blamed for your parents ignorance and foul behaviour.
i hope you have little to do with them. i certainly would not take my kids round there.

you are beautiful, they are spiritually ugly.
and we love you lots!

blessed be
)o(

Answer 2

I'm sorry this happened to you. Without going into my own story, I will just say that unfortunately, plenty of people disagree with the government that the age of consent is 18, and not much younger. Still more believe consent is not all that important. They use lines like "She's got to learn sometime," or the one that really chilled my bones: "Old enough to bleed, old enough to butcher."

Now, I also believe that the period of time between when a person becomes sexually mature and the age of 18 when they become legally mature is very dangerous ground. Some girls try out their seductive style on older men because it is obviously dangerous to try it out on the boys they see every day in school. Some men truly do fall in love, not merely have lust, for young women in this age category.

But the period of time between menarche and legal age -- the "jail bait" period -- is a very important one for both the girl in question and the adults around her. This is when she learns to trust. This is when she gradually becomes aware of what sex is all about, and how her own relationship to the entire world of men MUST be in her own hands. This is where she learns the difference between consent, submitting to seduction, and submitting to rape. And she cannot learn this in a healthy way if the men are not to be trusted.

Your father was very wrong to allow this man to continue in contact with you once he knew what was going on. But if it's any comfort to you, some fathers are considerably more wrong than that. Some take on the job of "teaching" their daughters themselves. Some rather literally sell them to the highest bidder. And there are even worse scenarios.

If you can talk about this with your father, armed with the best arguments you can, you may find he realizes how wrong he was and ask your forgiveness. If he does, and you see it is quite sincere, it will be good for you to forgive him. But do not feel you have any obligation to forgive him in the absence of that repentence.

Your trust in your parents was betrayed. This will not go away from your history and your experience. But they do say that anything that does not kill you makes you stronger in the end. Perhaps you have a special insight into the tortured minds of young victims and can be of help as a volunteer in counselling, or just be more aware of the danger signs in whatever your walk in life. You have already done the Answers community a service by raising this question. I suspect it cost you some pain to write about it.

My heart is with you.

Answer 3

First, how long ago did this happen? Remember it hasn't been 20 years since this sort of horror was even admitted to be possible, much less talked about.

Second, if you're young enough that your parents knew from media and talking with friends that this was not only possible but happening with terrifying frequency and still they believed their friend over their child, then I'd have to say that your parents suck!

Give over, dear. They were either hopelessly naive or achingly uncaring about your welfare. Blame them. Forgive them. Drop them like hot rocks from your Christmas card list. And move on.

You're OK. They're the ones in need.

May God in His love, surround you with that love, make it tangible, make it obvious, make it wonderful and may He so guide your life that you learn there are truly good and caring people of both genders on Earth. May you find one such for your very own and grow beyond your childhood abuse. God bless you, God keep you, God love you!

Answer 4

You will have this trauma in your head for the rest of your life and the guy just walked away scot free. You said it was over six years ago so you could still be able to make him pay for what he did . It is never too late. I do not know how your parents could have turned a blind eye to your cries for help. I imagine most fathers and indeed mothers would have ended up in jail for murder if they found that their child was abused whether verbally or otherwise. God Bless and good luck for the future.

Answer 5

Having been raised by a pedophile, I would not hesitate in calling the police. This is not adult to adult behavior. this is a grown man preying on a child..At 14 you are still a child..

In answer to your question as to Why....I can't give an answer as to why parents don't protect their Children. My mother let my grandfather burn me with Cigarettes, and Married My father and is still with him even though he raped and sodomized me. I spent years trying to understand why...What I came to, hon, is: You will NEVER know why, because you are not capable of doing what your mother did, given the same situation.
I suspect that if a 40 year old man were after your daughter, you would have a conversation with him and talk with a gun....Same with me.....Caution: do not spend too much time looking for answers for evil behavior, if you are not evil yourself.

Your mother has done an evil thing..Confront her when you are ready, and when you have children, protect them and in raising them in a better way, you will heap fiery coals on her head.

P.S. keep yuor children from her..If she didn't protect you, she will not protect them either.

Answer 6

Then he really wouldn't be my friend anymore. I would cease any contact with him, protect my child, and warn other parents of his behavior.


EDIT
This actually happened to a friend of mine when she was about 14. Her parents were business partners with an older, married, mormon man. He was always very nice to my friend while she was growing up (from about 8 years old). When she was a teen, he offered her a job of greater responsibility with the business, and at the same time, made repeated sexual overtures.
I don't know that her parents truly understood what was happening. They saw him as a good friend. But my friend never spent any time around that guy after that.
Perhaps they just didn't want to really know what was happening.

Answer 7

I would never let him back in my door... I'd also be tempted to let my more violent and judgmental (and very loyal) friends know what kinds of things he had insinuated towards my daughter!! If he asked why I didn't let him in, I would tell him straight: "Because you said disgusting things to my daughter and you'd better not come near her again or I'll kick you where it hurts."

However, knowing my own mother... she is so weak-willed (afraid of confrontation, and not opinionated) that she would probably have let it happen, and just stood by biting her nails and feeling like trash. Some people just don't have the guts to deal with difficult situations. I hope I would have compassion on my Mum, even though I could never respect her.

Answer 8

your additional comment changes the perspective.
You WERE? the child. Does this mean you are a lot older now?
Bottom line is you need therapy. It's about you now, and how you can keep your sanity. The past cannot be changed but you can change how the past affects your future. I know it won't be easy but the least you can do is give YOURSELF a chance.
It is a terrible thing to go through. I wish you the ABSOLUTE best in your life. See a therapist.
Smile. Come on, smile.

Answer 9

If the parent is not willing to go to the proper Police, as a friend and a adult please do so. If this refuse to be friends with you then you see they wee never a Friend to start with. This is child endangerment, Our parents should be the ones that we can trust to take of us and protect us from such predators. Please is this is a true case let the proper authorities know about this. this person could have done this to someother child already. Please you can save a chld from longe term hurt , and pain.

DO THE RIGHT THING!

Answer 10

Honest?
I would take a shotgun, go to his doorstep and let him know that he is never to approach my child or my house ever again.

I'm a very peace loving person but such people just have to be made clear of some boundaries.

Answer 11

There's a reason my 40-something Ex is an Ex. But at least his "Fluffies" was mostly over our local "Age of consent" laws but it still made me feel disgusted.

Was still in front of his 8 year old daughter. Absolutely no respect for his wife/mother of his child. & she's taken to talking to me like that also.

Only means I didn't kick the sicko out early enough
.