I've been with this man only two months but have known him for a few years before that. He is very clingy and needy, and depressed too. Everytime I get angry at him, or don't want to spend every single ounce of free time that I have with him, he hurts himself or breaks things. What should I do? I'm so tired of the clinginess, but don't want to be downright mean to him either.
2007-09-15 19:43:32 · 25 answers · asked by Lula 4 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I've gotten 4 answers already, and all of them are childish and mean. Don't answer this question if you can't come up with a decent answer. THIS IS SERIOUS!
2007-09-15 19:48:58 · update #1
I guess we all have a point in our lives when we have to make a difficult decision such as the one you're faced with. This fellow sounds like he is quite young, a little immature and possibly very insecure? Are you by chance his 1st girlfriend?
It seems like he's trying to figure out what buttons to push in order to gain your attention/affection. Maybe he already has.
It might be difficult to break things off and go back to a platonic relationship again (for him anyways). Personally I feel that the longer you stay together, will wind up encouraging him in a way. In doing this you will be sending him mixed signals unintentionally.
If you really do want to break up with him, I think you're going to have to have a mature sit down discussion with him.
I know it's going to be tough, but it will be harder the longer you prolong the relationship. It would be nice if you could still remain friends, but sometimes this isn't possible, though from what I've heard you could probably handle it. I doubt that he could though.
This is only my opinion, as I don't know your entire situation, and based my answer solely on the information within your question.
Hope it all works out for both of you!
2007-09-15 21:24:42 · answer #1 · answered by Smiley 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a taugh one. I am clingy and needy too, but I dont hurt myself or break things. I simply feel unhappy and tell him so. If he doesnt love me anymore and I became a burden for him, I'd want him to dump me faster. It is a much better and honest alternative than becoming a burden and an annoyance. This would hurt too much. It is also his right to find someone better or mine to find someone more willing to give me what I need.
Applied to your case, it should be the same. But he breaks things and cuts himself. This means he has mental issues and is capable of hurting himself so breaking up with him is more difficult, you wouldnt want to ahve him on your conscience. What I can advise is to talk to a psychologist or therapist how you can break up with an individual like that. They will be able to help to do it right.
If, on the other hand, you feel that deep down you still love the guy, then give both of you a chance and seek some help together.
Now, what I'd think if I was you: honestly. I'd be happy I have such a needy bf. Needy persons are persons with a poor self esteem and anxiety problems who are always afraid they are not good enough to be loved and kept. They need needy partners or therapy. Needy, clingy partners will help them feel secure and happy as they would know for sure they will never be dumped.
2007-09-15 19:58:41 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's an emotional blackmail he is doing to you. Sometimes these things just get worse instead of better. Whatever you decide, try to do it nice, calm, ya know with out all the dramatics. That way if he tries to hurt himself, (and that could happen) you will not have guilt over the way you behaved when breaking up with him.
In all honesty, he sounds like a handful and not much fun.... I would break up sooner than later too. It may make it easier on both of you, good luck.
2007-09-15 19:57:20 · answer #3 · answered by Tilly 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I just read all the replies that you got from various people and I think most of them made a good effort according to their way of thinking.
Ok if the guy is too clingy / needy / depressed / demanding / possesive then it means that he never ever got that attention and importance that he always craved for, some how you came in his path and from you he got all that so now he feels threaten that he shouldnt let you go or else he will endup in the dump of insults and dissapointments.
First you got to think that what made you to let him enter in your life? and secondly you have to decide if you are OK to have this guy in your life for a long period of time or not?
If you want to keep him around then you got to have the upper hand so he wont ruine your life for his good and you have to put lots of terms and conditions in front of him so by that he will also think and feel that you are also a human being not some toy or a pet animal. Got to have a strong balance in such relationship.
And maybe you havent explored the real him? maybe he is too cool and too awsome but many things have blocked his cool image. If you are willing then try to learn him instead of just being with him.
But IF THE GUY IS REALLY SICK and you are willing to end this relationship then the best option is to slowly push him away, like become more social, take him to parties and introduce him to lots of people and at the same time push him to be more cool and more classy type so he can feel that if he lets you go then he will get someone else who will be no less then you. Like you can make him believe that he is too good and can have any body - in a way you will rebuilding his broken self image.
Also get yourself more busy like join social groups or arts classes etc. So he will get used to not having you around him so much.
You know in such matters you shouldnt be hasty because your wrong move can result in something bad.
I dont know if he is playing with you or if he is really that sick but dont be hasty, be sensible and in next couple of weeks you will see him walking away from you (hopefully) as well as you will improve yourself by joining classes, social groups or sports.
So according to my point of view you got two WIN WIN situations but you have to decide which one you want.
Mustafa
2007-09-15 20:55:34 · answer #4 · answered by Mustafa 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what you want then. All of the answers are well meaning. You cannot be responsilbe for another person just because he may hurt himself. This is a kind of manipulation he is using on you to keep you in his life. I am sure you are not the first girl he has tried this on, but you may be the first to fall into his nightmare. Get out before he turns his anger outward towards you.
2007-09-15 20:09:38 · answer #5 · answered by Dr. Wu 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Remember that you are not responsible for his actions, only for yours. It's entirely up to him whether he responds to your night out with the girls by curling up with a nice book or by slicing himself up with a razor, yaknow?
Encourage him to get professional help for his depression and insecurities. You can say it sweetly, like "I'm worried about you ..." not "for heaven's sake, go see a shrink!"
Don't let him blackmail you into spending every bit of your spare time with him. John Lenon and Yoko Ono were an exception, not the rule. You know normal couples do some things separately, right? So don't feel bad about behaving like a normal human being. Being with someone who's depressed can be really emotionally draining, and you start to really need breaks to recharge. Plus, by letting him get what he wants (more attention from you) by hurting himself and breaking things, it may actually reinforce his dysfunctional behaviour.
If you really believe that he might seriously harm himself if you break up and you want to break up with him, I would suggest warning a family member or someone else close to him ahead of time, so they can watch out for him. Try to tell him why you think it's not working as kindly as you can even though you know he's going to take it badly.
2007-09-15 20:18:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you don't want to be with him then don't be with him. I can tell you straight out that he has a lot of issues he needs to work through. He's had a troubled past that causes him to act out in such a way. Perhaps a history of abuse or neglect. If you really care for him then I would try to get him some professional help. If you're not willing to take that step though, or if he refuses help, then there's no point in putting yourself in danger. Don't stick with him just because he acts out. If anything it's more just him begging for attention. Get yourself out of that situation cause it's more than likely that as things progress, if you get really serious together, his actions might reach out towards you and he may begin to hurt you. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
2007-09-15 19:49:00 · answer #7 · answered by njvoigt 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lula,
Yes, this is VERY serious. I know, because I just went through it. And the one that I loved ended up killing himself over "love". Looking back, I'm not sure there was anything different I could do, but in your situation..you don't have to live like this. Please, please, please talk to someone close to you about this. Tell someone (teacher, counselor, chaplain-doesn't matter if you're religious or not)..but you need to get him some help. At least try, so that you know you did all that you could. If he hurts himself, it's his choice. DO NOT feel guilty..because he's his own person and you really have no control over that. Best of luck to you, hun.
2007-09-15 20:29:23 · answer #8 · answered by }{PurpleLipz}{ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Endorphins from sexual activity will remove the unbalanced chemicals causing depression by canceling them chemically. The upper brains make the depression chemicals when erasing bad expectations for love and sex. He makes new unbalanced chemicals and is depressed when he is in love with you. The cycle is unending . Soon the medulla will be able to reroute the messages from the upper brain and he will become psychotic and slowly drift from reality and safety. His language will deteriorate slowly until you cant help him with words. You best chose the part you like the best ...safety or the hot feelings he gives you.
2007-09-16 00:02:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly I have been in this situation and this is what I got out of it. If he loved you; and i mean truly loved you. He wouldn't and i mean would NOT put you through this. Second, you are the very last person that can help him get better or to stop hurting himself. You need to leave him. and yeah, it's going to be hard to resist the guilt that is going to come, but you've got to get out while it's still new. It's not you, it's him and you've got to leave.
2007-09-15 19:54:56 · answer #10 · answered by Kismet 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋