My husband and I have a 3 year old son. We are good parents who have specific, thoroughly - researched guidelines for how we want him to be raised. Certain members of his family, however (especially his wonderful sister), offer us unwanted "advice" constantly. It's not really advice, so much as it's constant judging and criticism of EVERYTHING - how we dress him and cut his hair, what we feed (and don't feed) him, how we want to educate him, discipline, safety precautions, etc. We are GOOD parents who wouldn't do anything we didn't think was right for our son, but we are still judged on most of the things we do. Here's the thing - while she's worked with kids for a few years, she has none of her own. Hubby blew up at her tonight, which really caused some family tension. I didn't want to get involved, but I agree with Hubby. It's disheartening to get this constant criticism. I want to be the peacemaker, but explain to her how we feel so she'll understand. Any suggestions?
2007-09-15 12:05:41 · 12 answers · asked by SoBox 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
Just to clarify, SIL is a very sweet and caring woman, but this isn't simple advice, like, "Oh, you should do this." Instead, she tells us what we should be doing (right in front of our son, which totally takes away any authority we have as parents) and then demands to know why we aren't doing it her way. The recent incident was over a car booster seat that Hubby bought after doing thorough research and getting the OK from our pediatrician. SIL meant well, but kept pushing her beliefs and telling Hubby he shouldn't be taking the "risk" with his son. So while I appreciate her caring, she really makes us feel like crap after we put so much time and effort researching and deciding what's best for our son, especially since she's not a parent. She does have a career working with kids, but that's not the same as having one of her own. She doesn't understand that it's a whole new ball game, and why it's so inappropriate to question everything we do. This has been happening since day 1!
2007-09-16 02:59:11 · update #1
just tell her thank you for her suggestions, ideas, but you want to do your own way on raising the child and if you feel something doesn't work will take her advice.
2007-09-15 12:12:22 · answer #1 · answered by george 2 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think lordmisrule2004 offered EXCELLENT advice!
Although "blowing up" isn't the best way to confront an issue, at least your SIL now knows how your husband feels about this. I think he should discuss this with the offending family, now that it's out in the open. He can apologize for getting angry, but then explain that he really reached the end of his rope. He should tell them that he doesn't feel the need to justify the parenting decisions that you two make, so don't go into details about that. He should simply state that he understands that they disagree, but you both are secure in the way you're raising your son. Then ask them to be respectful of your choices and keep their judgments and advice to themselves.
Let him do the talking since it's his family but go and support him if possible. It would be ok if he confronted them on his own though if you'll be taking care of your son (you certainly wouldn't want a 3 y.o. involved in the conversation, naturally, and hopefully his family would understand).
Best of luck!
2007-09-15 12:22:35 · answer #2 · answered by 1M9 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If it's one thing that gets on parents' nerves, it's the unsolicited advice from other people! Maybe it's a good thing that your husband went off on her, at least it brings the issue out in the open. If I were you, I would approach her and apologize for how your husband handled the situation. Then follow it with an explanation of why it angered him so much. Tell her that you know she and the others love you and mean well, but that you would like to raise your child how you see fit. You should also tell her that she has given some wonderful advice in the past (lie), and that if in the future, if you need advice again, she will be the first person you ask (another lie).
2007-09-15 12:12:16 · answer #3 · answered by lordmisrule2004 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Family criticism is the hardest thing to deal with when it comes to your children. In my personal experience I have accepted the advice respectfully and responded by saying I thank you for your suggestions but I have my own morals and values that I want my children to be raised by. If I were to stray from them then that would not be in the best interest for my child. As a parent this is really important to me and I would really appreciate if you would stand behind me in my decision for the childs sake.
I know that it is easier said than done because some people are really head strong. As long as you know that you are doing what you really believe to be right and you are a good parent and looking out for your children then I would not really worry about it.
2007-09-15 12:48:48 · answer #4 · answered by Jen S 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry i have no experience with in-laws seeing as i am fifteen but perhaps this will help. You mentioned your good relationship with the rest of his family so maybe you could ask them to suggest they lay off? Or as a teenager, as i am sure you are aware, parents and peers are constantly shoving advice and comments down your throat. I have personally found that listening to them (as much as we do NOT want to) and just letting them know you have considered their opinions or advice will appease them or make them realize you make your own decisions and can handel your consequences. I see the differences in the situations so i am sorry if this was no help, i hope you find a solution to your problem and find civil terms with your sister-in-laws. PS. I am sorry i wrote you a novel :)
2016-05-20 06:27:24 · answer #5 · answered by santina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boundaries....your brother needs to sit down with her and calmly tell her exactly what you said, that it's disheartening to get the constant criticism, especially in front of junior. If she can't cut back, then she's going to have to not spend as much time with you all. Set the Boundaries.
2007-09-17 14:08:46 · answer #6 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
we have the same problem,we tried telling them we disagree with their suggestions and advice,but it did nothing! best thing to do,is ignore it lol if you feel offended,then say so,but when they advise you on something you should/could do,say uh huh and let it go out the other ear! it avoids to many major conflicts and helps them feel useful! we do NOT raise our children anything like how we were raised and it irritates our parents,but we just keep going! and when we feel they have insulted us or our children we say so,and tell them that this was over the boundaries and ask them to not say this again! just the fact that you say you are good parents and YOU KNOW this,is good! you have confidence n yourselves as parents and in your child! and thats a GREAT thing!
2007-09-15 16:29:55 · answer #7 · answered by adc7492 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this is past the point of thanks-for-the-suggestion. You may be at the point of telling her that if she can't reserve her comments on your parenting abilities you will be spending much less time with her until she can support you as parents. Harsh yeah but she will get the point and if seeing her family is important she'll keep her mouth shut.
2007-09-19 03:55:33 · answer #8 · answered by billie b 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My sister in law, who has NO children of her own does this to me all of the time. She has worked at Head Start for 15 years and thinks she is an authority on children. I tell her OVER and OVER again, when it is YOUR child it is a completely diffrent story. it has gotten so bad here and I had to have my hubby go to her and tell her to can it and we didn't want to hear it from her, and until she had kids of her own to keep her opinions to herself. This isn't how I would recommed you handle this, our situation had just elevated to this point.
Good luck to you!
2007-09-15 17:50:16 · answer #9 · answered by scj1719 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You don't need to justify to us (or anyone) how you dress, feed, and generally care for your child.
Try not to let her get to you. After all, what does it matter what she thinks? You don't need her permission.
Say neutral, bland things (so you don't get into any actual discussions with her). NEVER discuss any of your decisions, or try to justify your decisions. That just prolongs the discussion, and gives her more opportunities to tell you how wrong you are.
"Oh."
That's one response.
"I don't care to discuss it."
"Well, we have to do what we think is right."
If you start to lose it, you could sweetly, emphatically, say something like "Why, THANK you for telling us how to raise our son."
Or you could pretend to take her advice to heart, then just do whatever you want after accepting her advice.
Mostly, don't give her anything to argue with (I don't mean change your behavior, I mean when talking).
The main thing is to try not to let it bother you. So she's a control-freak. What's it to you?
2007-09-15 15:41:44 · answer #10 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋