How do I deal with my 9 year old stepdaughter who is mean?

Question

Whenever I mention it to my husband he gets angry and justifies her mean behavior. But she is spiteful, petty and manipulative. I have been in her life since she was 2, so she has grown up with having me around. Her parents split when she was 1, and we have her every weekend. My husband makes excuses for her, and REFUSES to talk to her about being mean. She's mostly mean to my son who is a very kind child (probably to a fault), and when I say something to my husband, he says we need to stay out of it and let them work it out themselves, and says my son does things to provoke her mean behavior. I don't think that's the way to teach her lessons about relationships. I believe in respect within the family, even between siblings. How can I make my husband see that he needs to do something about this?

Woody - I agree with you about bad parenting - in my defense, I am not given much authority over her and when I have an issue, I have to direct it to my husband and let him deal with it - and in this case he isn't dealing with it. I believe him and her mother both promote this type of behavior from her.

Answer 1

Your husband is probably aware of her behaviour but is obviously wanting to ignore it. Before you discuss the problem with him, please read the article "Step Parents And Misbehaving Step Kids - Who Is Really The Problem? Part One" by Leah O'Leary.

Basically, the writer advises spending a day, weekend, or some amount of time noting what your stepkids do directly to you. Then spend some time alone making and prioritizing a list of behaviors that are unacceptable to you. Next, decide how you want to be treated. Be fair, but be specific. Then you will formulate a plan of action. Be clear with your family that your personal boundaries are about what you will accept in how you are treated by using phrases like, “I don’t allow people to speak to me that way. Please reframe your question/ comment in a respectful tone.” Be sure to treat your family with the same respect you want given to you. Finally, do not dwell on the incident, or allow it to escalate into an argument.

The second half of your approach is to know the difference between how your stepkids treat you and how they act with their parent. Often, once a stepparent begins to establish his own boundaries, the parent will follow suit. This doesn’t happen with all parents. Some will continue to see nothing wrong with how their kids behave. In this case, it is best to physically remove yourself whenever possible. Practice letting go, so that you don’t build resentment towards kids who are only acting the way they are allowed to act.

In regards to how she treats your son, she is probably taking her anger with you out on him, in order to get a reaction from you. This type of behaviour can not be ignored, in fact, itll probably get worse with time. Be firm and let her know this is unacceptable.

Answer 2

A kid her age wants and THRIVES off attention. All you have to do is everytime she does an act of meanness, put her in a small room, away from people and pets, and she has to stay there for 10 minutes. Be sure the room has no toys, tv, books... NOTHING. It is just a room that she goes to when she's bad.


What will Happen at First?
At first, she will refuse to go (you're stronger, just "gently" drag her in there). While in the room the first few days or so she will probably scream at the top her lungs, yell, yank on the door, ect. Anything to let you feel guilty into giving in to her demands of letting her out of the room. But DON'T fall for it. This is the rebellious stage that occurs whenever you attempt to change a behavior in someone.

What will this Teach?
Over time, she will learn that every time she does a disrespectful behavior, she will go to that room. Her brain will begin reprogramming itself to "think before she acts" because it will realize that if she, say... smacks your son over the head, she will go to that room and be completely stripped of all things & people fun (most importantly, she won't get ANY attention for it... positive or negative). After remembering this, she will not smack him over the head because of the unpleasant feelings she will experience because of it.


Also, it is a great idea to REWARD her good behavior. If she didn't do anything bad, give her a hug and pat on the head and tell her she's done a great job.

People tend to "reward" children with more energy towards negative behavior, when in fact that simply reinforces the belief that if they do a bad act, they'll get more attention for it. So encourage her good acts with more love and attention and don't focus as much on the bad ones (you can send her to the room for that).


I hope that helps and good luck taming the beast (only kidding).

Answer 3

Well; this is a toughie. I'm thinking that maybe his daughter might feel a little jealous of your child since your child gets to be with her father all of the time. Imagine how that might hurt her, if she has a good relationship with her father?!?

And imagine how this might make your husband feel - knowing how much he loves his daughter, but only gets to be a dad to her on the weekends! What little time he has with her, I'm sure, he doesn't want to spend being the bad guy.

If you've been a part of her life since she's been two, then maybe you could just step it up a notch. I think you've earned that right since you've been in her and her father's life for so long now.

Start treating her like she IS your daughter - not just your step daughter. Obviously there will have to be SOME boundaries, because she already does have a mother. But when she's at your house, I feel it is within your right to mother them both - as long as you attempt to do it equally.

Don't take sides, look at each situation from the point of a mother and handle it as best as you can. If one does something wrong, then put that one in the corner for a time-out or something of that nature. But love them equally and mother them equally.

Once that happens; though it may be rough at first, your daughter will come to respect you more and things will calm down.

Answer 4

maybe she is jealous that she only gets to stay with you all at the weekends, i would not worry to much about her and your son having arguments as this is normal in any family life. i can see both sides, yours and your husbands, if her dad takes sides against her it will only make things worse. what i would do is, sit both children down , and lay down some ground rules that all the family have to abide by, maybe you and you stepdaughter could have a day out together , go shopping ,and get to know each other really well, i hope it works out for you, yes you are right when you say that there should be respect within the family.your husband must love you all so much, that is why he is not taking sides ,in case he offends any one

Answer 5

The child is 9 but you are the adult and you are in a very difficult situation.

The blessing is you only have her for the weekend.

I'd ignore much of the behavior and I'd let my son come to me if he wants help to deal with her.

Your husband is partly right, they do need to learn to handle it themselves BUT they also need to be taught. And guess where they are learning how to be in a relationship????

By the example you and your husband are setting on how you deal with conflict in your own relationship.

Divorce creates a lot of blended families and a lot of very immature behavior. Realize that the children are torn. The 9 year old obviously is very angry but the only way you are going to teach her anything is by your own behavior. Don't come between your husband and his child. That will only create a lot of resentments in your own marriage.

You are going to have to be the adult here and I promise you, that is going to be very, very difficult at times.

Good luck.

Peace.

Answer 6

Yes I agree with everything you are standing for with the respect and over things, but one thing you need to do is agree between yourselfs what you are going to do about this. You two are a partnership and need to deside together what actions you are going to take.
Maybe you need to convince him, give him evidence as to why you think she should be disaplined, say how you feel about having respect in the family and ask him to try and see it from your perspective.
Sorry if these are ideas you have already tryed but thats the best I can come up with! Sorry :'(

Answer 7

it seems the problem is between you and the child,come on this child is 7 years old, and maybe your making her feel like she doesnt belong, if your husband is any father at all ,this is only going ti cause problems between you and him and him and YOUR child, so if your trying to keep your marriage then you being the adult i would try to get close to this child, this is her father and nothing you can do to change it, and if i were the mother of this child and i knew you were writeing this this would be the begaining of my ex not getting her bacause of the way you feel and like i said if hes any father at all you would be history,,,,, you better think about it ... do you and your child a favor if hes good to your child let them work it out and you be there for your child and , or keep doing what your doing and you wont have him.im not trying to be an ***, but its the truth.

Answer 8

I'd recommend some family counseling. If you're the only one wanting this to change, it ain't going to happen.

You have to approach this issue as "wanting to improve the family dynamic." Make it look like a group effort to help everyone have a more enjoyable existance. The biggest hurdle will be getting everyone to agree to go.

Otherwise, if you treat this as a "her problem" issue (and come on, she's just 9), you're just going to create more problems with your marriage. He's always going to take her side, accept it.

Answer 9

its really tough to say not hearing the other side of the story... i would bet my lucky stars that this is a case of jealousy... you need to watch out how you treat the kids.... it may not seem what you are doing is favoring your son, but she sees it that way and we all know that perception is reality... today.. start over, give her a clean slate and be super sweet and give her another shot... i have a 10 year old girl and you are right they are something else.. just wait though i have a 16 year old female and i would rather have your 9 year old...lol

Answer 10

You will have to alter your attitude towards her and cease thinking that she is mean in anyway. Shower her with your pure love and occasional gifts. Step into the shoes of her real mother and you will see the change in her attitude in a short time. After all she is 9 only.