How do I cut down the wedding guest list?

Question

We are getting married in 6 months and can have 100 people at our venue. The problem is that we have too many people that 'can't be cut'. My Fi's mum says she wants each of her 8 siblings there and a few extra family members, as well as cousins etc but if we invite all of these family members we don't get to have any more than 10 friends. If we were close to these people that would be fine but I have not even met some of these people, some I met for the first time at our Engagement party and some I have met twice in our 8 years together.
We are a very social couple and see our wedding day as a party to celebrate our love with our friends and family but we are being pressured into having only family because it is the 'right thing to do'.
Is there a tactful way to not invite all of these family members without causing grief between my fi and his mum?

To answer a few questions-
we are paying for the bulk of the wedding, my parents are contributing but his aren't.
My fiance and I both have agreed on our venue because we want it to be a celebration with our close family and friends. Some of his family are on the list of what we consider to be close, some aren't. Some live interstate etc.
Thanks so much for your advice so far!

Answer 1

You may anger some people, but you should invite those you really want to invite or you will be sorry in the long run. This is a day for YOU and YOUR FIANCE to celebrate, not for your fiance's parents to show off their new daughter in law to the world. Simply say to your fiance's parents that while you understand that she wants to invite all of these people, you just can't accomodate them all and are only inviting people you actually know and want to celebrate with. If they get angry, they'll get angry. But, they'll get over it and they'll be at your wedding. Besides, they're not contributing, so it's not like you run the risk of losing money towards your wedding. You need to do what it is that makes you happy. You only get married once and it should be the perfect day for you and your fiance, not for your fiance's parents.

Answer 2

Well, the "must haves" are Bride and Groom (2) Both sets of parents (4) Grandparents (8) That's 14. From there you should include your siblings and their spouses if they are married. If you have nieces and nephews, leave them off. If you siblings are just dating someone, then let them know you just can't let them bring their date to the reception. After siblings would come closest friends. If you both have a ton of friends, then allot 2-3 spots on each side (bride and groom) for your closest friends ONLY. After that would be aunts and uncles. This gets tricky, because you can't invite some and not others. If you have a large family, you might have to eliminate this branch of the family tree altogether (better to invite none than some and hurt the other's feelings). I also suggest you call the reception hall and ask them if they can get creative with the seating. For example, would they be willing to set tables on the dance floor and remove them before the dance begins? Also, if you seat both sides of the head table, you can fit twice as many people at that table. If the tables comfortably seat 8, can you squeeze a 9th or even a 10th person around the table to get more people in the room. Combine the cake and the gift table into one and don't do assigned seating, which eliminates the need for a place card table. The more people who attend your wedding the more money they will make, so they should be willing to work with you to come up with ideas to try to fit more people in the room. If you do go the route of sending out announcements, the etiquette is that you send them out after you get married, not before.

Answer 3

Can you change venues at all? It sounds like you have a large family and a large group of friends, so you probably should have planned for a larger reception. 100 doesn't go a long way once you throw in family, because all kinds of relatives you didn't even know about surface when it comes time to do the guest list.

If you are not paying for the wedding yourself, then you have to allow whoever is paying a little bit more say that you would otherwise. 6 months seems to be cutting it a little close to be still working on the guest list.

Also, about 10% of invited people can't come typically, but you have to plan for the worst of everyone coming. I would start putting people into categories. You have to do an all or nothing from those categories. Such as closest family like parents siblings aunts and uncles grandparents, closest friends, etc. As tacky as it is, you may have to do an A list B list kind of thing and send out more invitations as you get RSVPs back.

You also need to include ALL the people you invited to your showers and engagement party.

Good luck.

Answer 4

You cannot invite some aunts and uncles and not invite others. It just isn't done. Your MIL is trying to invite about 25 people from what I read in your question. That's not alot considering she has 8 siblings. However, keep in mind that this family will be your family for life. Also, it doesn't matter how many times you've met this family, or how long you've know them. You might not be speaking to the friends ten years from now, but he'll still be related to his family. I'm sure you both love your venue but since it doesn't hold as many people as you need it to, it's not the right one for your wedding. This is why you make a guest list BEFORE you book a hall.

Answer 5

Hi and congratulations!
It sounds to me like you cannot add more people...it's what the venue can hold....so that is out of the question.

I would invite your mother-in-laws siblings (your fiance's aunts and uncles - 16 people total), but leave it at that. Do not get into inviting the cousins, and "extra family". Of course, any grandparents would also need to be invited. Simply tell your mother-in-law that it has to be this way so that you can invite your friends.

If the venue can hold more, and if your mother-in-law is willing to pay for those extra guests, then that is a different story.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Invite all of them to the wedding venue and split up the guests in two receptions. One is where only 100 can be accommodated and another (with cheaper cost like a house nearby and food prepared home-style) where all others can be accommodated. Either you attend to both venues going back and forth or you can set up a screen on the secondary reception area where you can broadcast what's happening in the primary reception area. You can make that two way, too. You can consider reducing the primary reception area to 50 and the rest goes to the secondary reception area. So the primary would just have you and both parents, your entourage and your other preferences, especially close friends. All relatives go to the other area so that should make them feel that you did not favor one over the other.

Answer 7

First consider those who have young children who can be left to a sitter during the wedding and try to convince them to do so. Weddings aren't for young children so much. Then, for those interstate, get them to RSVP early to determine who can't be there and eliminate them. Some of the people you work with can be eliminated if they don't work closely with you and are no more than casual acquaintences. The ones you hardly see are the ones to eliminate, unless they are expressly determined to come, like the ones you mentioned from the engagement party (if they bothered to come to that, they may want to at least attend the reception and not so much the wedding).

Answer 8

Your groom has a big family; that's going a fact of your life from now on, when you plan for holidays and so on. I don't think excluding the aunts and uncles is an option, but young children won't be offended if you don't invite them. Their parents may be miffed that you haven't taken it upon yourself to make some provision for their childcare, but you may ignore them. (Childcare isn't your job, it's the parents' job.) That's probably as far as you can trim without getting off to a real bad start with your new in-laws.

Try to see it from the parental point of view. You two have the whole rest of your lives to party with your friends, but they only have this one day to be surrounded family, proudly watching a son or daughter marry. It would be really mean to take their fun away from them.

If you want a livelier party for your own younger set, why don't have them for some different party? Perhaps a sort of combined stag / staggette party with lots of music and dancing?

Answer 9

In this case, I would not cut any of the guest list.

I'm a firm believe that siblings of the parents (your aunts and uncles) SHOULD be there. As well as cousins you are close with. I consider my aunts/uncles/cousins to be my close and almost immediate family.

I would honestly see if you can increase the budget. Normally, I don't advice this. But, all family does need to be invited and you have right to have friends.

See if your Fi's parents will chip in for the cost of the extra relatives and you cover your friends.

Answer 10

Who's paying? is the first thing that comes to mind. That being said, I can see Mum's siblings but the cousins are not necessary, that's a very small number of guests, just 50 each. Why don't you say, 50 each to do with what you will? And how does your fiance feel? He has to support you, vocally to his Mum, or else this will get you guys off on a bad start with the inlaws.