What can I do with my defiant kid?

Question

When she does something naughty and gets told off for it, she does the same thing again immediately. No matter how many times she gets told off for it, she keeps doing it again and again. No consequence deters her. I used to think she wasn't able to understand what was happening, but I can see now that she knows exactly what she's doing. It's defiance.
No punishment works. If I ignore it, she takes it further and further until she's totally out of control. She's pretty much out of control now. But I discipline with consistency.
What else can I do?

She's 6 and half.
She does get a smacked bottom (with a hand only!) and I use other things too, like removing toys (permanently if I have to), sitting alone in a room,and treats for good behaviour. It all works most of the time. Sometimes though she seems to get overexcited and does something stupid,then when she's corrected verbally she does it again and starts the uncontrollable nonsense. She is able to control herself at other times. But when she gets excited about anything, she seems to lose all sense.

Answer 1

I have a child and we are dealing with similiar issues. One recommendation is to act as if what she's doing is really her decision and if she's prepared to suffer the consequences, then that's her decision. I have had to work so hard not to fly off the handle and I speak in a tone as if I'm ordering a pizza on the phone. He is totally caught off-guard when he's not getting the response he wants. If you are super consistent with this, you may make some headway. I've learned to savor the baby steps we've made in his behavior modification.
The most important thing in our situation is for me to not get pissed off and to pretend like it's all his decision - which isn't the same as ignoring it.
If he freaks out at the grocery store I immediately take the cart to the front, and guide him out of the store. We then go to the car and I firmly butin a relaxed manner (even though I'm boiling inside) put him in the car. I turn the car on and get some reading material out of my purse and pretend like I'm engrossed in balak=ncing my checkbook or reading a pamphlet. I tell him we'll go back in the store to get our groceries when he's ready. I wait until he is calmed down and "ready". The first two times I did this we were in the car for about 20 minutes - it seemed like 5 hours. Since then, if he starts to get wild I just turn the cart towards the front of the store and he's saying "ok mom - I'm ok".
His tantrums and outbursts really seem to feed off of my reactions and I've learned to essentially starve them.
Best of luck. And, as a parenting expert told me a few years ago, don't let the comments of observers get to you. They have no idea what your situation is. They are looking at a snapshot which doesn't tell the story. Your responsibility is to your child.

Answer 2

Don't get into a power struggle, you will never win. Remember you are the adult. When she begins an activity that is not acceptable, tell her. Stop it immediately. Consistency is the key. It only takes a few times until she will know you mean business. When you need to tell her something, stop what you are doing, take her by the wrist, tell her what you want from her, bend down on her level to do it and make sure she does it. Be calm, nice but firm. I have a cry mat, it's a small rug I placed a piece of duct tape on and drew with a permanent marker a sad face with tears. I tell children they can sit on the mat until they feel like returning to the group, it gives them time to cry if that is what they need to do, or think about the behavior they did and watch others with correct behavior. You might get one and tell her any time she wants to do _____ to go sit there and when she is better she can come back and join you. I actually had to get a spare one because one of the children cried when another child had to use it, so now I have two because one child really loves to "ride" the cry mat!!

Answer 3

1. Consistency is the most important :

1a. When you have declared the consequence and she break that rule, you must deliver the consequences

1b. Make the rules known (write it down and post it on the fridge), along with the consequences.
Make sure it is obeyed, or otherwise, deliver the consequences.


2. Compassion : Make yourself her best friend.

Listen to her. Hug her - give her LOTS of it.
I've got an active boy which causes problems. He calmed down instantly and gives me the brightest smile there is whenever I hug him. Too bad I got a fulltime job :( so I asked his mom to do it for me when I'm not around.

Play with your kids. Don't be afraid to be silly !
In fact, be the silliest guy they'll ever know.

Make them laugh. Make them share their secrets
with you, and guard that secrets with YOUR LIFE.

You're their best friend, and they're your best friend. Nothing less will do !


3. Handle rule-breaker with NO EMOTION.

As angry as you are, DO NOT show it. This is, as strange as it sounds, what they're looking for.

Investigate the incident calmly. Hear the evidence from everyone. Ask the rule-breaker their side of the story.

Weigh all information, then declare your judgement.

If a punishment is in order, deliver it. Again, calmly.


Over time (see point 1), they'll learn to respect you and your rules. While still love you because of point 2.

That's all really. I'm happy with my four kids, and they're screaming with joy everytime I returned home. Any tiredness from a hard days' work is gone in that instant.

Hope it helps. Take care !

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Jennifer M, I really like your quote below :

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His tantrums and outbursts really seem to feed off of my reactions and I've learned to essentially starve them.
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You've got the point there. And I salute you for how you handle it. VERY WELL DONE !

Answer 4

I know she is 6 and a half but if nothing else works then would it hurt to try a sticker reward chart?

It has improved our 3yo daughters behaviour although she still has her moments.

For example one of the things we kept telling her not to do was throwing her toys over next doors garden and she did it without fail every time she went in the garden.
We told her if she kept them in our garden for the whole morning/whole afternoon then she could have a sticker - it has worked with only one or two slip ups.
The same goes for eating all her dinner and when she does things well without prompting.
It also worked extremely well when we toilet trained her.

And definately try the naughty spot.
Watch Supernanny/ Nanny 911 and find information on the net for guidance.
Its not as simple as just plopping them on it.

Answer 5

You need to nip this cycle in the bud, fast! She might only be a little kid now, but naughty little kids turn into teenage nightmares who become regulars in police cells! This is not extreme, it is a cycle that has been repeated 1000's of times the world over, and has spawed the phenomenon that are known as 'Chavs' or 'Neds' (whichever side of the border you are), this is exactly how they started out, naughty, defiant little kids who listen to no-one. Actions speak louder than words, a skelp on the bum is not child abuse, it is discipline, or if you can't bear to do that, strip her of all priveleges, such as TV, Games Consoles, Toys, etc.., lock her in her room if needs be, you need to get the message across that whatever it is she is doing, it is wrong and she mustn't do it, if she does, she should know that what comes next is unpleasant. I'm afraid this regime of soft soaping kids into behaving is the nonsensical brainwashing that all these socialist 'do-gooders' want you to believe in, it patently doesn't work, discipline is not child abuse, it is being a good parent, being smacked or the threat of such certainly never did me any harm or my parents before me!

Answer 6

well Definitely don't send her to her ROOM when she is naughty this does not work all the time because they just go in there and play with their toys. If you give her a time out make her sit in the same room with you in a chair with no distractions. (No matter what room your in) so you can correct her if she starts to get up or starts to play with things. Since she is 6 her time out should only be 6 minutes. I am not sure how soft your voice is but if you are soft spoken you have to work on sounding more strong so she knows you mean Business!!! Also if you threaten children with a certain punishment for doing bad behavior and you Don't follow through with it that teaches them your not serious and they will just continue the bad behavior FOLLOW THROUGH on Everything you say!!! Good Luck I am sure you will get through this especially since you are looking for new ideas!!!

Answer 7

God Love Ya, I am in exactly the same situation with my 7 yr old Daughter.

I put it down to the fact that she inherited my ability to wind up and get on Mother's Nerves. I used to do the same thing when I was little. But now that it is being done to me, I don't like it, not one bit.

Strong willed, independant, persistant, are all good traits to have, but not at this age. Hopefully they will continue this into adult life, but just go easy on us Mums.

I have tried lots of tactics, but the ones which work are these...
not letting her watch TV, the day after she wouldnt go to bed without a fighting roaring match. Saying to her on that day, "Are you bored?, would you like to watch TV, Yes, oh, then make sure you go to bed properly tonight and them you can have TV tomorrow. I remind her at the time of how bored she is, then I watch the penny drop. Stop all treats and sweets, and let them know exactly why.

Hope this may help.

Answer 8

First of all you are not alone. All children mis behave at some time. My daughter is 6 and she is like yours and alot worse at times. I thought I was going to go crazy dealing with her. Well one day we were at the ENT doc with my oldest daughter and my little one was being her hyper,naughty,and defiant self and I was trying to control her and speak to the doc. I was so imbarrased that I was starting to tear up to cry and he looked at me and said, " my son is just like that and its ok. you can help her be better." well I was interested in anything that would help. He told me to take her to a child psycologist. well I was a little skepital but willing to try anything. (at the time she was only 4!!!) Its not like a shrink that you see on TV. They done a number of IQ test and attention test. She went to 4 sessions. She actually enjoyed going to see them. Well the end result was that she had an IQ of a 7 year old at 4 years old. And she has ADHD. Not ADD. ADD is attention defiency disorder ADHD is attention defiency hyperactivity disorder. They gave me a report of their findings to take to her reg. doctor and we discussed medications and other methods to help her. Now 2 years later she is a happier child and i am a less steressed momma. It took alot of planning, research, prayer and patience to get here but oh it was so worth it. I did not like the idea of medication but after reading up on the subject I realized there are alot of options. We use a combination of constant rules and concequences and medication. Special diet and a strict schedule. and of course lots and lots of love This may not be the answer for you but its worth a try. The thing is that with ADD or ADHD the poor baby can't help what she is doing. She knows its wrong but doesn't know how to control herself. Good Luck

Answer 9

Just hang in there with the consistency. Don't ignore it. Try focusing on the things she does that are good.Make it a point to give her more attention for the good things than the bad.Maybe it will help her want to do good more.Sometimes kids seem to be defiant when they are really just wanting extra attention.Good or bad attention.Good luck

Answer 10

I'd need more info. Like what punishments exactly. What does she like? Reward is a good tool also. Reward heavily and precisely and punish heavily and precisesly. If this STILL doesn't work it might be time for some professional help because that is FAR from normal