was it sexual abuse?

Question

a friend of mine told me about some things that happened when she was young
she is trying to say oh but it was nothing not abuse i disagree
what do you think?
there is 8 years between her and her brother and she can remember things happening when she was around 3 and up till she was around 5
she said that he would wash her in the bath and slide his finger inside she remembers it hurting even now she is almost 40
she also remembers being in bed and him trying to get her to do things and him touching her and the worst thing i think that has affected her because she has a weight problem is him bribing her to do things with food like saying heres a lovley cake you can have it if you do or let me do this
she has convinced herslf that it was nothing just kids stuff and she dearly loves her brother but i think she needs help to come to terms with this and as she still remembers and thinks about it she says it was only a few times and that it was not abuse as she was never raped

Answer 1

I would definitely class this as sexual abuse, however, from his perspective he probably was just at an age where he was becoming aware of sex and was experimenting, albeit at the expense of his sister.

I would think this wouldn't make him a pervert or a rapist necessarily, now although of course this is possible.

I went through a similar thing at the hands of an older boy next door, and decided when older not to do anything about it for the above reasons, however, I really think your friend should seek counselling to work her way through it as she clearly doesn't want to take it to the police.

I really hope it was experimentation and that he hasn't gone on to commit the same offences against other children, later on.

Answer 2

Firstly to answer the question - Sexual abuse is any act carried out without the consent of a person for the sole purpose of providing sexual gratification to the other. Children often play role-play kids games - Doctors & Nurses, Mommy & Daddy, either together or with dolls and that's quite normal childplay.

In your friends case, only she can determine if she was sexually abused, with the help of a trained abuse Counsellor.

Right now the best thing you can do for your friend is to be a good listener. Don't pressure her to act upon YOUR feelings in this matter. Don't advise, don't give an opinion (unless you are a trained abuse Counsellor - and your obviously not!)....

If you keep putting pressure on your friend or giving opinions based on your beliefs (you weren't there so you don't have factual opinions)......you run the risk of her shutting down on you.....and then she loses the only outlet she has for her confusion.

When the time is right, when she feels strong enough, she will act if she feels she needs to.

Answer 3

Okay yes it was a kind of abuse but it is/was what goes on all over the world amongst young children - especially in poor families. It was as she says kids stuff that caring parents would have spotted and stopped immediately. Going back over matters like this and making a big thing of it after all this time will cause more harm than good. As the brother was also a child and a minor he cannot be held responsible so there can be no gain from racking over this matter.

Answer 4

This is absolutely a serious long term abuse. This type of activity is both mentally and physically harmful to a child. We now know that being sexually touched at a young age actually changes the chemistry of the developing brain and it has area that show up differently on an MRI. She and her brother need to see a professional about this. Meanwhile, brother should never be alone w/any other child. Molesters start at puberty as her brother did and have many many victims over time, sometime as many as 2 or 3 hundred. My BIL just went to prison at age 70 and he was still molesting on a regular basis and we know from his own admission that he was also doing this as a very young man. Since your friend knows about him, it is her responsibility to make sure that he is never allowed to do this again. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 5

It sounds like it was sexual abuse and obviously still effecting her. She should definitely get some help and talk to a therapist about it. Also her brother could still being doing it.

I have anxiety and depression and have been using an alternative therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique. It really has helped me a lot. Since using it I have been feeling a lot better. It's very good at getting rid of all kinds of negative emotions and dealing with all kinds of issues quickly. It does sound bizarre but does work. It might be something that can help your friend. If your type sexual abuse in the search engine of emfree.com your should see some articles about EFT helping people who have bee through sexual abuse.

Answer 6

Hi!

This is a really difficult situation your friend is in. Her older brother clearly betrayed her trust; touched her in inappropriate and painful ways and groomed her to do his will - which all adds up to sexual abuse.

Someone asked: "did she want it to happen?" She was a child, FCS. However, because bribes were involved which she accepted from time to time, she may feel that she is somehow guilty. She is NOT!

If she has children, would she entrust them to her brothers care? Does he now have responsibility for children? Answers to questions like these open up a whole new can of worms.

In UK - "Child's Needs Paramount" is the underpinning ethos of the 1989 Children Act. You are both adults who one way or another know things about another adult that may impact on the well-being of children NOW.

No easy answer, I'm afraid.

Good wishes.

Answer 7

I agree with Paula R.

It was abusive behaviour from her brother, but he might not have done it with malicious intent - he was a kid himself, did he even know it was sex which is a "priviledge" of adults? Or was he just curious about the female body?
I guess she is hurt by it, but she doesn't want her brother to get in trouble. The experiences weren't nice but does this make her brother a criminal? I think she might be afraid of pointing the finger at her brother, afraid he's being marked as a criminal while it wasn't his intent and he's good at heart.
I'm not sure if you're saying he is still bribing her with food? Because in that case, he needs counselling to.

Answer 8

It was certainly abused. But she is not the only person who was abused. I know a lot of people who was abused by their member of family. This is so difficult to come over it. But some thing is very important that it was not the fault of victim. All three or four years children are sensible and easy to be offended. It is the fault of offender not the victim. If I were her I would have the same destiny.

Answer 9

I believe you are right. Just becauseshe was never raped doesn't mean it was not abuse. From what you have written it seems he was abusing/molesting her and she is denying it to herself because she can't admit that it was abuse. If she does then the floodgates would open and she clearly doesn't want that. Does she still see her brother? I don't know what happens in asituation like this but I think counselling is the next step.

Answer 10

Rape or no rape what happened to her was sexual abuse and she should talk to a professional about it so these terrible things that happened to her can be sorted out and she needs to know she is a victim here,it was not her fault and she should never blame herself.Also it needs to be brought out into the open for closure and possible charges laid against her brother.