Im 53 now, I was molested 4 yrs by my stepdad as a child, from 11 yrs old. now, mom divorced him yrs ago. my?

Question

sister was murdered and he showed up at the funeral, i was in total shock he had the insensitivity to do that, and he did it again at my brother's funeral. what can i do to make this snake understand , it is totally indecent for him to do this to me, am i wrong to feel this way after so many years. i called the rape crisis center and they told me "im stewing in it, and i need to let it go!" i swear, that was her exact words!

Answer 1

get a freakin restraining order and put the perv in jail. you hav like every right to and you should. yep

Answer 2

I am sorry for the loss of your sister. You need to report what he did to you to the police they can still charge him put him away in prison. Where he can never bother you again. You should also report the rude mean ugly rape crisis center worker too her boss so she can be fired for what she said to you. Your not wrong to feel the way you feel. The sick freak should have stay at home instead of being insensitive butthole. He has done enough to you now this crap showing up at your sister's funeral was freaking rude. Also he showing up at your brother's funeral was freaking rude too. The nerve of some people!!!! I hope you get the help that is needed for you. Take Care and Good Luck with this situation.

Answer 3

First, I am so sorry you talked to an improperly trained volunteer at the center you called. That was not at all appropriate answer for you.
I will ask if you availed yourself of the resources and counseling available in most areas. NO ONE just gets over being molested and moves on. Was this ever reported and was he prosecuted, as he could be, even many years later. The limits are different for these type crimes against children.

My experience working with abuse victims is that it never truly goes away. Working with a well trained professional helps to work thru the nightmare. Post traumatic Stress Disorder is very common in victims. Seeing him again could not have been pleasant at all. You would not be normal if it didn't bother you, especially since he was just your stepdad. Many countless adults suffer from this horrible situation most of their lives. I highly enourage you to seek some help at this time. There are normally those who specialize in rape and abuse situations. There are support groups through community mental health centers.

I wish you healing of mind and comfort. You are not alone in this nightmare so reach out. You are not the "bad" one here, he is.

Answer 4

That person at the rape crisis center needs to get fired! Child molesters usually don't have the sensitivity of what they have done to that child, or remorse. I'm shocked as well that he had the gall to come to the funeral. Hopefully you don't have to encounter him any more. You probably feel as if he is throwing himself back at you and making you remember what he did huh. He needs to know how you feel, even if you have to write it down in a letter to him and send it. This way, you don't have to talk to him face to face, and you can have the convenience of taking the time to write down everything you felt back then, and what you feel now, and how he made you feel showing up at your sister's funeral.
Do you have the date and time when you called the rape crisis center? If so, I would call back, and tell the director/supervisor when that was and that you don't appreciate the negetive feedback you got from that person. They are not allowed to give negetive feedback! So, do that ok.
I'm really sorry to hear about your sister's passing. I hope this pain subsides soon.

Answer 5

Geoff W what in the world are talking about??? Your comment has NOTHING to do with this question. Get a grip dude!!!!

Ok now to the question. Why didn't you report him when he molested you? The rape crisis center are morons. Don't call them anymore.They don't know what they are talking about. If I were you I would confront this jerk. You need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel. I was molested as well when I was 9 for 8 years on regular basis. I told my mother and she didn't believe me. So when I got pregnant I had to report him. (Long Story) He will not understand because he has no conscience. Your step father will pay for what he did to you. I know that for a fact sweetie. My step father is very ill and will not live much longer. That to me is that saying "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND". That is the God's honest truth. I am so sorry this happened to you. But you do need to let it go so it doesn't run your life like it did mine. It took me 34 years to let it go and once I did I found peace. If he comes around I really encourage you to get a restraining order on him. Always remember that this is not your fault. You are the victim. You did nothing wrong.

Answer 6

Hi, I'm Carol. My step ather molested me from the time I was 4 till the time I was 10. I know about the hurt and disgust of him showing up at events where you just want to throw him out on his ear. I hear where You're coming from. I reached a point where I made it clear to everyone that If he was going to be there,that I wouldn't be. I've shared my reasons and let it go at that. For my own closure, I confronted him. I told him what he did to me. How it hurt me then and continues to hurt me now. I made it clear that he wasn't welcome as a part of my life and that if he died tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a tear. My last communication with him was when I was asked to call him and tell him my Brother, his biological son had been in an accident. I asked him if he planned on seeing him and what time so I could make sure I wouldn't be there at the same time. The confrontation helped far more than any counseling I ever had. Let me tell you....
Once in a while, I have the same fear I felt as child when I wake up at night. Thank God for my husband. If you need to talk, get it out, scream. Go ahead and contact me.

Answer 7

you have every right to be upset.
unfortunately sick people like that will never truly understand how much damage their actions have done. I do not know the extent of your situation, I do not know what type of man he is or how dangerous he is. I do not know how much of a comfort it will be for you to confront him, it may or may not help. you may or may not relieve the incidents that happened as a child. Maybe, some counselling would be at best.
I hope that he was charged and convicted. If not, hopefully what he has done will come back to him, just as bad. And hopefully he has not molested other children.
Now, the rape crisis centre was incredibly inappropriate. Unfortunately these centre at times, the individuals that volunteer or even work there, aren't fully trained, try filling a complaint.
Overall I would be just as upset as you.

Answer 8

Is he comparing you to his former wife? If so then that is a definate red flag that you will never measure up to the ideal. not too many of us can measure up to a person who is percieved as the "perfect one" . If you are seriously thinking of making this a permanent relationship, then he is going to have to let go of the past so you and he can live in the present. With 4 kids, the youngest being only 6, he hasn't been out of his former relationship so long. I think you could make it as a couple even with the kids as long as the former wife isn't in the picture. If the kids are part of a joint custody agreement it will be harder to keep her out of the comparison. Maybe some distance would be good for both of you so he can sort out what he really wants and so you can decide if you want to compete with a ghost, be it living or dead.

Answer 9

I'm a 66-year-old man so my advice should be taken with the caveat that I have not been molested and have not been through what you have. I can only guess what you must feel and why.

My suggestion would be that you do try to let part of this resentment go. I understand you can't forgive him for what he did, but it happened almost 40 years ago. This planet is too small to resent everyone on it who might have offended or harmed us.

In 40 years he may have suffered considerable remorse. Perhaps he hoped you would have forgotten, or perhaps he underestimated the damage this did to you.

It is possible he cared about you and the other children more deeply than you realize. There are many possibilities.

Your question reveals an intense hatred for him. I think it is entirely appropriate to continue to be angry with him and to hate what he did, but you harm yourself more than you harm him when your hatred is so personal.

I would suggest that you try to find a way to forgive him--not because he needs it, but because you need to rise above these horrid moments in your life. The counselor at the Rape Crisis Center was not entirely incorrect, although the phraseology used may be more harmful to you than helpful.

If you have a clergyman or a close personal friend you can discuss this with it is important that you clear the air on it. I think you have to put this behind you, or he will have succeeded in damaging you far beyond what its impact should have been.

I think you have to live your life free of these horrible acts. But that is more up to you than it is up to him.

Answer 10

Does your mom believe you what happened? If so, then both of you could go to the authorities and charge him with rape. Or both of you could go and see him and tell him what you think of him and to stay away from the family. Go to a therapist to help you deal with your pain and to figure out a better action then with this anger you have stored inside you obviously wanting to come out and strike - which he deserves what he gets. Good luck.

Answer 11

The only two options are to ignore him and let it go, since he was never convicted of molestation, or limit the people that attend thes functions to a closed group.

I was molested by my step father also. I learned that I had to let it go. It was too late to do anything about it by the time I had the courage to tell anyone. Until you let it go, it will continue to control you. Don't let him make you play the victim for the rest of your life. You are only feeding his ego. By the way, you could have asked him to leave.