Do you think I am within my rights as a parent?

Question

I have several relatives that in my opinion are not healthy for my children to be around.I am keeping them VERY distant from my children.I am wondering if I am out of place here (they think I am)?My reasons are that I strongly believe that children should be empowered as individuals.If my children ask someone to stop something or say 'no', I am of the belief that person should repsect that and stop what the child is uncomfortable with. Not use guilt and pout and try to convince my children to give in.I very strongly believe that in the impressionable years children NEED to be empowered and the best chance of them not being abused, is to know how they deserve to be treated.I have tried talking to these family members about 'no means no' and bounderies,but to them,this behavior is a way of life and they are sure that I am just trying to hurt them because I am angry at them or something.I am doing what I believe is best for my children.Am I within my rights?Am I doing right by my kids?

As a parent I am very uncomfortable seeing my kids manipulated out of keeping their bounderies.
p.s. My family does this to me as well, and I had to move away. They honestly think I am out of line and as such cant' ackowelege their behavior (guilt, manipulation, and using family obligation to put us in place)

Answer 1

As a parent you have the responsibility to raise your child in a home filled with love, trust and understanding. If you feel the need to keep distance from family members, yes you have the right to do so. Out of respect for the family and to set a true example for your children, you should share your concerns and expectations for change. This will instill the values you set for your self in your children. If you feel strongly about something, but do not have the strength to stand up for those values in an honest and up front manner, you will only confuse your children more.

Answer 2

Your question is not very clear at all.

"No means no" -- what are we talking about here? The kids being abused by your relatives, where the kids are telling them "no" and the relatives are continuing?

Or more like: "We're going to have Chinese food for dinner tonight" and the kid says "No."

When I was growing up, I had to live by my parents rules no matter how capricious or arbitrary they were. I had to eat whatever food was on my plate, period. There was no discussion about it. You might call it purposeful disempowerment.

Society generally feels the same way about kids. Minors can't vote, they have to stay at home until their 18, contracts with minors are not enforceable (by the other party), can't get into certain movies without an adult, etc. I suppose it is society's reflection that minors do not have the experience or wisdom to make important decisions about their own lives.

I suspect that kids will develop their own personal boundaries if their parents have well developed boundaries which they can emulate.

But "empowered" is quire a curious word to use when describing how a kid should feel... it conjures up images of a victim who was too scared to come forward now having the strength to take a stand after being abused.

But you are in your certainly within your rights to deny your relatives access to your kids--I would even say that would be your responsibility if you knew or suspected your relatives were abusive.

I don't understand your talk of empowerment though.

Answer 3

First and foremost, you are the parent and have every right (and responsibility) to control what your children are exposed to. If you are uncomfortable with it, you need to trust your maternal instinct and do what you know is right. You are well within your rights as a parent. Don't let anyone tell you different. You raise them as you see fit. If you experienced the same thing and felt it was damaging, then you should absolutely keep your kids away from it.

Answer 4

You have been very detailed about your thoughts, but not about the actual problem. But based off of what I've read, you are completely within your rights as the mother to chose what your children are and aren't around...family included.
In retrospect, I wish my parents had kept some family members away when I was little. Just because they are family doesn't mean that they are coheirent to your children's upbringing.
Good luck! Don't feel bad. :)

Answer 5

You are absolutely right. Protect your children at all costs means their physical and emotional health.

I limit my mother in laws contact with my children because she is very emotionally abusive. She was physically abusive but that has stopped and won't happen again as long as I never leave her in the room alone with my son.

She believes that everything I do is wrong with my son, including food, sleep, bathing, everything. I tell her we know different things are better now so we do things differently. That just gets me talked about and I don't care because my kids mean more to me than she ever could.

Protect your children until they can protect themselves.

Answer 6

I agree with teaching kids bounderies and that "no means no" but I find it equally important to teach them to respect their elders. Keep in mind that your children are CHILDREN and not little adults. My question to you is why are you so intent on keeping family members away? It sounds like something happened to you and now you are trying to keep that from happening to your kids. Did these family members hurt you or your kids?

Answer 7

Explain to your children that different family members have different beliefs. Let them know that "what you say goes" before you arrive to visit. If one of your relatives tries to overstep your boundaries, stand UP for yourself and your children and say..."I'm sorry, we do NOT allow that type of behavior in our house." And then remind your son or daughter that this is not acceptable. Keep your visits short!
As long as your family is somewhat "normal" try to keep in touch. Of course, if they are "losers" / felons / criminals, it may be better to distance yourself.

Answer 8

Without the proper information I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what your family could be doing that is so harmful that your children would say no to. I couldn't imagine what it would be that you would want to separate yourself from them...need more information...
"Not use guilt and pout and try to convince my children to give in." -give in to what? (makes it sound really bad)
"I have tried talking to these family members about 'no means no' and bounderies,but to them,this behavior is a way of life" -without proper info it sounds really really bad....

Answer 9

It's your kid. You can keep her away from anyone.
Be prepared however, that in the long run she may grow up with some resentment and wonder why you kept her away from her family.
But all in all, she's your child, you should have total say over who she sees and who she doesn't. Esp. if you're thinking these people may abuse her.

Answer 10

You are right.. I know what it's like to be surrounded by people like that, and it's so wrong. My only concern is if you shield them from this type of behavior without letting them experience it somewhere, at some point, they will not know how to deal with it when they are on their own. Make sure your teaching them that this behavior is wrong... and they shouldn't tolerate it, or do it. Teach them the tools they need to stand up for themselves. This is a vicious world.