I'm just wondering how long you should remain a supportive gf when your bf is going through an emotional time.

Question

My bf was rediculously accused of child abuse back in April. He was accused of child abuse and arrested, now he is facing court trial. The kids, he can only see under professional supervision. I know that all this is a bad, traumatic thing. But since then, he has lost his job and just sits around feeling sorry for himself. It effects our relationship as he never wants to go anywhere, or even be with me because he is too depressed. He won't even go to church with me. I know I should be supportive and I have been, but it's been 5 months! I just feel so lost and hurt because I take it personal that he won't spend time with me, or as much time as I want to spend with him. I don't know how to help him, and have pretty much decided that I can't continue like this as I have needs and desires and they have been on hold this whole time. Is this wrong of me? I love him and we planned on getting married some day. What should I do. He knows how I feel, but he says, if I can't deal, then oh wel

Answer 1

If you really love him then you don't have to ask this question...

Answer 2

If he was "ridiculously accused" I think he's handling the situation very poorly. You didn't give much background to the situation. Are they HIS kids? And how was it so bad that he was arrested and is now facing court trial? That must have been pretty serious accusations.
Either way, I don't think you're being selfish or you're wrong for asking these questions. You can't sit around and let your life waste away because of someone else's condition. Relationships are about compromise and while there will be times that one will have to be there for another for a period of time, that can't be taken advantage of. If he's saying you can't deal with it than oh well, he's pretty much saying I take no regard to your feelings. I don't doubt you love him, and at this point it isn't about love. He should have some consideration for your feelings and overly appreciative of your support. Many women would have probably left him once all these accusations began. You need to do what's good for you. Maybe it's time to break up and tell him you'll be around when he's ready. It sounds like you're both Christians so do the best you can to lead him to scripture that he can rely on and don't try and be his leaning post because let's face it, after some time, our mental capacity can't handle it. What you're asking and what you're considering is not wrong, I promise.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Wow!! I feel your pain through your words. First off I will tell you that you are a wonderful girlfriend, and I give you props. As far as I can see you have been extremely supportive of him, and you have done nothing but be the best you can be. But your right, you have needs and wants, and you need attention 2.

So the thing to do is sit and think about your relationship. You say that you love this man, and that you were planning on getting married. Soo....you have to go about what you feel in your heart. If you really love this man, and you really truly want to be in his life, and become his wife one day, all you can is be the supportive person that you have been to him. He's hurt right now, and seems to be going through a whole lot right now, and he's just so overwhelmed by everything he's going through, that he's not thinking straight, and not realizing how he is hurting you. But all you can do is be there for him, and hope he comes around. Take him out even though he doesn't want to. Being depressed at home will not make his problems go away. Go work out and burn some stress, or take him to church with you even though he doesn't want to, he needs to get out.

But if you love him, but you are having second thoughts about it. You're not seeing him as marraige material after all. I say pull away now. But not all the way, continue to be his friend at least, because he seems like he would at least need you as a friend if you can't handle being romantically involved anymore.

But what ever you do, only you can choose, b/c you are the only one that knows how you feel about this man, no one else.

Good Luck sweety. I know you will make the right decision in what ever you decide to do.

Answer 4

It shouldn't be a question of how long. Your first question should be to yourself, "Am I doing all I can to help him in his time of need?" Tell him you are worried, call a professional and ask their advice on what he needs at the moment and implement that advice. You going out isn't as important as helping him be healthy and happy again. He may be so traumatized that he can't help himself and it is your place to step up and be proactive until he can be proactive for himself.

Your needs and desires may have been on hold all this time but you can't feel slighted unless you have been actively trying to get and give him the help that he needs. Just waiting around for him to feel better or work it out isn't what being a partner/wife as you say you want someday is about. Being a partner/wife is picking him up when he can't get up, it's about supporting him, loving him, holding him when he needs it and knocking him on his butt when he needs it. If you don't know what to do , find out what to do. Not by talking to your friends and family but to a real professional. Make an appointment with a Dr. for yourself and talk about what has gone on and how you don't know what to do and they can guide you in the right direction.

His problem isn't going to dissolve, it needs to be fixed and if you can't help him get help than do both of you a favor and move on.

I didn't mean to blast you I really hope that you get him help and that you live a great life together. Marriage is 110%, sometimes you get 1% back and sometimes you get 110%. You take turns and being GF/BF is when you should try and figure all that out.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Talk to him. It may take time for him to fully heal but try to get him back into the world slowly. Tell him that he's wasting his life just sitting at home and reminde him IF he's said 2 b guilty (which i trust u that he's not) that he'd better live his life now, cause it's a long wait in prison. And if he's REALLY depressed, get him some help. He may hate u 4 it at first, but it'll pay off in the long run. Just remember, u r now 1 of the ONLY lights he has in the world and if u leav him now it will devistate him even more.

Answer 6

I know what you are going through. My boyfriend was diagnoised with borderline personality disorder and he has the same behavior of feeling sorry for himself and not spending time with me or even talking to me when we live about an hour away in a different city and can only see each other when im not at school. So its okay for you to be hurt and upset that this whole situation is taking a toll on your relationship. Only you know what you can handle and maybe you need to be apart for him to see that you were being of help to him but thats up to you.

Answer 7

He's not really in a place to be giving back right now. His situation is not temporary and will last a long time.

I don't think it is a question of right or wrong. You need only support him as long as you can. He may not come out of his "funk" for a long, long time. How long do you have in you? How long can you be in a relationship where your needs are not being met.

Though he may deserve someone to stick by him through all of it. It may take hitting rock bottom to wake him back up.

Answer 8

Sounds like you're rethinking things to me. its very simple. If you want to be his girlfriend then you'll have to take him, good days, bad days, whatever. he'll get over this and then everything will be good. But there is no guarantee that it will happen soon. On the other hand, you are not responsible for his happiness. You're his girlfriend, but that's a two way street. If he's not doing if for you, leave. I'm not saying either path is right or wrong, and no one should judge you. Do what is best for you, cause you deserve to be happy. If staying and being supportive is what that is, then do it. if not, leave. Good luck.

Answer 9

It sounds like your boyfriend needs professional help. Have you suggested this to him? I know that without a job you both may feel as though he can't a fford it. A lot of counselors work on a sliding scale which will help tremendously. If he is willing to get help, then continue to be supportive, go to the counselor with him. It could help you both. If he won't get help, then maybe walking out will be the kind of tough love that he needs. Some how or other he needs to be pulled out of the mood he is in and get on with his life.

Answer 10

I would have normally said as long as it takes. Then you stated what he was depressed about. Honey, if you want the honest to God's truth. I don't care what the situation is, he's displaying the "poor me" persona...which is a sign of guilt....playing the victim. You may want to re-think a future and get out now.

Answer 11

This smells trauma survivors from both sides. I highly suggest to seek professional help for both of you together before getting married or having children.