When my husbands ex found out she was pregnant again with child #3 (only the 1st child being his ) she wanted their son to come and live with us. We had written and notarized a agreement with BM that we would take care of him. When he came to us he was in the 5th grade, now he's entering High school and now she wants to take him back..... She's been secretly telling him that after Jr High school he would be coming back to live with her. - That was never discussed with us & we would have never agreed to him staying with us if it was gonna be for only 3 or 4 yrs. In my husbands own words "I would have rather paid child support than to let him be here for such a short time" I tend to agree with him because my Step Son should not be treated like a disposable item. and then retrieved when ever the notion hits. My SS really loves his mother and his other siblings as they see each other regularly and since our school is a track system, he goes to his BM's every summer.
2007-09-14 07:37:06 · 13 answers · asked by Sheba 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
While I do not agree with the ex secretly telling the child anything, I also do not agree that you two would rather have not had him at all than only have him a few years. Why not? Any time that your husband has with his child should be precious and appreciated. I know that it is hard to accept that she gets to have him now, but in the long run, he will appreciate that he had the kind of relationship with you two that he does. The only one that would possibly make him feel disposable will be his mother. He is certainly at the age where he can decide where he wants to be now, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you two. I am sure that you are working hard to raise a good, self aware child, and he will see that he has had a good life. Best of luck to you!
2007-09-14 07:44:06 · answer #1 · answered by Amy B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, just because of an agreement, doesn't mean the BM has to follow. Stick to your guns. She cannot just up and take. In MN at least, child can decide at 13 but has to go infront of judge, especially if support invovled. He is old enough to talk to. Honestly and openly. What BM is doing is vicious. Can also let her know that if she continues, and son no want to go- no one can force him to. Does she want him back just to get child support, or need a babysitter? If he is happy chances are he will keep what he has. Worst case scenio may have to get courts involved.
2007-09-14 15:14:47 · answer #2 · answered by tbird 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should try to be the parent that this boy's mother obviously is not. He needs stability, which this woman obviously has trouble providing. But, he also needs the adults in his life to work out these problems in an adult way, not fighting among themselves about the way these life events have played out.
High school is a very important time, and wherever he lives, it should be clear that he is going to stay in that home for the entire period of high school. Where does he want to live? Which family is in a better school district? If he wants to stay with you and continue with his friends in school, try to work it out with his mother so that he spends more time with her than just the summers. Encourage her to talk to you directly about her desire to change the current arrangement. Be non-threatening and non-judgmental - you might want to scream at her every moment you're contact with her, but tell your friends about it - not her. It's not in your stepson's best interest for this to be adversarial, so try to step up to the plate and be the bigger woman here. If your stepson wants to return to her - don't take it personally - for kids this age, the grass is always going to be greener on the other side, and he may end up really having difficulty in the new environment. You want to be available to him in case he needs to talk or even return to your home - don't burn any bridges. This particular moment in time may be really tough, but you will reap the rewards in two, five, ten years when your stepson lets you know how much he valued your strength and wisdom in this very confusing time for him.
Good luck!
2007-09-14 16:26:04 · answer #3 · answered by LawMom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the mom is sneaky. But for you and his own FATHER to say he'd rather pay support than have him with you why is that? It's kind of mean. You all should try to talk about this. I think this child may be confused, esp with the mother bouncing him back and forth and you and his father saying he'd rather pay support than have him with you both. I really feel sorry for the boy. You guys ALL seem kind of self involved. His mother and father should cherish every minute with this boy. You guys don't get it.
2007-09-14 16:48:00 · answer #4 · answered by musicpanther67 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As I see it..you really have no say over the matter..this is between the father and the mother of the child..sorry but that true....BUT..BUT since you have a written agreement your husband can take her to court of breech of contract..BUT also, your husband needs to think about how his son feels..not his own feelings ..but his sons..what does his son want!!!
2007-09-16 21:22:01 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not fair to your SS that his mother is doing this to him. This is playing games with him which should not be done. You do not have anything to worry about though as far as her actually getting custody of him again after so long, unless he is old enough to decide what he wants in court and choses his mother.
2007-09-14 16:16:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fight to keep your step son in your house. He deserves stability and an environment that is predictable and loving. It's not up to a child to make that decision, it's your decision as an adult. Do what's best for him.
2007-09-14 15:07:34 · answer #7 · answered by Jilli Bean 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't believe you would rather have not had him at all than only have him for a few years. That is crazy. I would let the boy decide where he wants to live. He is in High School. I still can't believe you wouldn't have wanted him to come if you knew it was just for a few years. I would rather have my kids for a few years than not have them at all.
2007-09-14 14:52:25 · answer #8 · answered by kat 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Fight to keep him. She's being sneaky and violating the agreement she made. Don't worry about hurting your step-son too much if he already gets to see them regularly. You're not taking that away from him, just keeping things the way they are. I don't think she has a leg to stand on.
2007-09-14 14:50:08 · answer #9 · answered by Evelyn 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I agree that he shouldn't be shuttled back and forth like that, but he is in high school and he should be able to decide now.
2007-09-14 15:56:23 · answer #10 · answered by Jen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋