Why would an 11 year old girl show no emotion over the murder of her mother by her father?

Question

The death happened about four weeks ago. The marriage was abusive for years and there were lots of warning signs that something like this might happen. It's hard for me to understand why the girl still acts like nothing has happened, even though her entire life has been turned upside down.

I need to add that I'm not really in a position to help this girl. Her mother was my daughter's best friend since 1987, but the family had moved away from our town to another one. I've only seen the girl a few times since the funeral, and she really doesn't know me.

I want to say that if my question sounded insensitive, that certainly wasn't my emotion at all. I was just worried about what I've been hearing from my daughter, who sees her a few times a week. I agree that she needs time and definitely counseling. And just as an FYI, she is currently living with her mother's brother and his wife and kids, so she does have family that love her.

Answer 1

Seeing an abusive relationship through her whole life she may have learned how to internalize her feelings. Maybe while her father was abusing her mother she was taught to keep quiet so she didn't get hurt too. There are so many factors that could play into this. She could definitely be shocked and at 11 years old not even know how to cope with death. And if death has never been talked about she may not even realize what it is and what it means. She definitely needs to be taken for professional mental health care. This is not something she will work through on her own.

Answer 2

It's a simple and rather blatant coping mechanism much like when the body releases endorphins to minimize pain in an accident. She's more than likely not ready to deal with the series of events so her brain has started insofar putting up wall to keep from having to. Be prepared for a long difficult struggle after she does start wadding into the pool of understanding. My cousin walked in on her dying mother after a suicide attempt go awry. She was in her early teens when it happened. She's 34 now and is still struggling to deal with it.

Long explanation short. There's nothing wrong with her. Four weeks is but a drop in the bucket that will take probably her entire like to fill, but don't force her hand. She has to come to terms with it on her own time.

Answer 3

This is a very sensitive issue.
Grieving is a slow process and everyone goes through it differently. Obviously, this little girl is still in the first phase: Denial. She clearly has not accepted that it happened. Perhaps she tells herself that he only hurt her, like he did before, and she'll be with her mom again soon. It's not clear. Most children stay in denial for a long time because they are not able to accept what happened and deal with it.

Soon she will go into the next phase... the important thing to do is offer her as much love and stability as you can. Listen to her. Spend time with her. Get her a good counsellor. Make her teacher aware of the situation. Do research on grief so that you can help her cope when it is time for her to cope.

Answer 4

People deal with things differently. She's probably in shock. What would you have her do cry all day and mope around. Horrible things happen everyday. She may have some how known it could come to this. It sometimes takes years for people to deal with death let alone a tragic one like this. This maybe the only way she can get thru the day by acting as if all is well.

Answer 5

I would hope that both parties would be feeling regret in some sense. The daughter, if she is in even a small way mentally competent, should feel remorse for her crime. She will likely also feel fear, of death and (for most people) the thought that she may be somehow judged once more. The executioner would probably feel regret that this sentence should have to be carried out on someone so young. It is possible that he may feel (or force himself to feel, so that he can do his duty) a sense of disgust or revulsion, that the natural instincts of love between child and parent became so perverted and lead to such a terrible end. As to spiritual intervention, I would hope the girl would call on whatever deity she believed in for forgiveness. I'm not sure that the executioner would need to seek intervention, provided we take as a given in this hypothetical that the state has legitimate authority to issue capital punishments in crimes like these. I imagine, though, that if I were in his shoes, I would be begging my God that He not hold me responsible for her death.

Answer 6

She acts that way because she has been around it most of her life and no one suspected that she was the one asking for help and no one lokked her way. Now she see that she has lost every thing especially her mom and for everyone to run to her side now she feels that she does not need them because they were not there for her and her mom and they did nothing to help even though they knew that she was in an abusive relationship and it was going to one day happen. since she has seen her mom hurt so many times she has learned to hold in her fear, anger and emotions because maybe that's what her father made her do and the more she did it the more invisible she became that if she does not respond or if he does not see her that she would not get hit. She is slowly dying inside and she is yelling for help and she needs to let it out but does not know how because there is no one there for her to protect her.the more she holds all the anger and emotions in the more anger she has and she may do something that may hurt her or someone else. Seek help for her right away you have to save her from herself. When my aunt died I was the same way and one day my family locked me in a room and since the only one that could make me mad was my mom's sister because i do not like hurt she told me something that made me so mad and it hurt me so much that my mom and I were locked in this room and she kept making me mad until I broke and yelled,screamed and told me I blame everyone for what happened and it was not they fault. After 2 hours and I calmed down they unlocked the door and i felt better agbout her death. I would not advise you do that but she needs to vent and let it out before it is too late.

Answer 7

My father was extremely abusive to my mom, my brother, and me. My brother was 8, I was 10 when they finally divorced. I can still recall every detail, and I'm 52 now. My brother has no memory of that time in our life, that is his way of dealing with it. I think this girl is doing the same thing, denial is her survival tactic. Eventually she may think about it, but now it is too painful for her to deal with. Counseling would be very helpful, so she doesn't end up in an abusive relationship later in life, as happens with so many victims of abuse.

Answer 8

If you really care for this child/girl, be the person she can talk to. She prolly isn't sharing with you because you don't "seem open" to her. Maybe you "seem" like you don't or won't understand. From here, I'm sure you do care, but you "seem" to be "judging" her. Put yourself in her shoes (as much as you can) and don't worry if she doesn't act like you expect. Just be there. If you can't help her----because she acts the way she wants---stay away from her. She obviously needs only support not a single detractor. Patience and compassion is what you can offer her.

Answer 9

Have you been with this girl every moment from the time it happened? how do you know she has had no emotion? Should she emote just for you?
She may not know how she should react, Be angry at a person she loves.. that killed a loved one. she is half of each side of this, she probably loves her father as much as she loved her mother, and perhaps her hate is equal to.
Perhaps she should be happy now that something has happened to get her out of that situation. and that emotion would be wrong in your eyes.. would it not?

Answer 10

Like others say shock ,but being it was an abusive situation you have to factor in too that maybe the life style has left her bitter, hard , emotionless.

In some abusive situation's you are told not to cry ,not to speak ,your opinion doesn't matter . Maybe she doesn't cry or show any emotion because she has been more less "brain washed " to not show those type of emotion's