what can I do about my grandmother?

Question

My grandfather is 94, has many problems due to age, of course. He's nausea all the time and is not eating. There is slim to nothing of a chance that he will get better and he will live longer. My grandmother has been saying for months that she keeps hoping that he'll get better when it's been obvious to me and my family that he isn't going to imporove. My grandmother seem to be in denia, if you ask me. They've been married for 63 years and she doesn't know what to do without him. She feels she has nothing to live for (she hasn't talked about suicide) without her husband, not even for me, her closest relative and she doesn't want to do anything, including be involved with something with other senior citizens. She won't face the fact that he isn't going to live long which is making her worst, I think. She isn't willing to do anything out of the house, away from my grandfather, afraid he'll fall or something. There's not much to do. What can I do about my grandmother?

Answer 1

Let her alone in this until he goes. This is one of the stages of grief and she needs to experience it. Just make sure you have made yourself available to be there for them.

Answer 2

There's really nothing you can do except be there for the two of them. Let me tell you, I've been married for 25 years and the thought of living without my husband TERRIFIES me, so I can't even imagine being with someone 63 years and having to face the prospect of their death. Look, everyone "deals" with these situations differently. Has she always been an optimistic person? If so, this is HOW she deals with it, by hoping and believing the best outcome. In all probability, at their ages they're very aware of their mortality. Maybe she feels as though if she gives up, he will, too. Her unwillingness to leave his side tells me she's aware how grave his health is and wants to spend every minute he has left on this earth by his side. Some people do take their marriage vows seriously...taking care of him and being with him is all she can do to show him how much she loves him. I was a widowed at 21 yrs old, my husband was terminally ill and I couldn't do anything but be there and take care of him. I couldn't cure him, although I prayed and hoped every day and every minute of the day there would be a miracle and he would be cured. Maybe this is how your Grandmother feels. In any case, I really don't think she's being harmed by doing what she wants, so just be there. I mean, give her the option. Tell her "I'll stay, go get out of the house for a while." If she says no, respect her decision. Or tell her if she ever wants to get out to give you a call and you'll figure out something. Just let her know you're there, her options, and respect and love her enough to let her do what she feels is best for the two of them. Not "facing the fact" that he's dying (as you say) isn't making things worse. She is and will continue to grieve for her husband, her life with him gone. This is normal. Be there to help her get through it...not get OVER him...I hate when people tell others they must get OVER someone's death when there is no way to get OVER someone you love, you must get THROUGH the tragedy and make a life without that person, but you NEVER have to get OVER them. Good luck...try to understand her feelings right now.

Answer 3

True love my dear that's what it come too. Have you ever seen the movie "The Notebook"? Well if you haven't see it, its as real as any man and woman. Your grandmother has lived almost her entire life with your grandfather and it's deep in her heart that she will long for him when he is gone. Why don't you try and spend more time with them so you could understand what your not seeing. Is your grandfather ill? He doesn't want to eat, have you guy's talk to a doctor? Just because he is 94 doesn't mean his time is up, can he move around on his own? if not then take him on a stroll to the beach or park let him get some fresh air. Honey life doesn't end at your age it ends when god take your last breath.
Take care of them don't give up hope because then your just giving up on them.
talk to a doctor and see if you can give him nutrition drinks.

Answer 4

Don't rush your Grandmother in to coming to terms with it. She will have more than enough grief to deal with afterward. Accepting this person is going to die does not make the loss any easier. Let her enjoy what little time she has left with him, next time she makes a comment about him getting better, just nod your head - deep down she knows he won't. Don't worry about what she will do after your poor grandfather dies, only she can deal with the grief, in whatever way she sees fit. It is hard and she may spend a couple of years crying every time you talk about him, or moping about doing nothing. But be reassured that with a loving family like yourself, things will get a little bit easier each day. I know all this from recent experience with my grandmother dying from cancer.

In short, just support her and don't make a fuss about her decisions.

I wish you and your family all the luck in the world.
xx

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear about your grandparents. My only advise to you would be to be there for your grandmother. She is going to need your support and the support of your entire family. Sounds like she has it but she doesn't realize it. 63 years is a long time to be with someone. It will be a big change for her. I am not sure of anything else for you help her out. My opninion, love is the only thing that can help you through a time like this. It is the way I got through my passing a few years ago. My husband and my kids. If it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be right now. Good luck and my prayers are you and your family.

Answer 6

As painful as it is to realize, she's going to have to stick by him until the end.You cant force her to go out especially not now.When he passes you will need to be there then.She has to grieve first and your job is to be there and tell her he would only want the best for her and for her to be happy.A lot of older people who have lived together that long dont recover and give up so get her couseling after or even now.I dont know that theres more you can do.And you cant be guilty because you seem to love her very much and are trying to do right by her and that makes you wonderful to me.

Answer 7

My grandfather who is almost 94, had to deal with the same thing. My grandmother had dementia and couldn't take care of herself. Because of this, he stopped thinking about his health and focused on her. Even when he had pneumonia, all he cared about was how my grandmother was doing without him. Because he doesn't like to listen to the men, it was us women's job to get him to at least hire a caretaker for around the house and to help him with her. Most of his family, except for his sister, lives in California, while they lived in Colorado. We all thought that once she died, he would go soon after that because of his deteriorating health. Now that she is gone, his health is back and he plans on living to be 100. Your grandmother is just worried about her husband and he comes first.

Answer 8

You can't take her away from her husband. All you need to do is to ensure proper watch is kept on her so that she does not suffer any that willput her health in danger. As for grand Pa, still ensure that he give adequate attention, even if he going to die the next minute.

Answer 9

Unfortunately probably nothing. She is going through what will probably be the most painful period of her (assuming) long life. Try to offer her comfort and support but let her grieve her own way.

Send her all of of best wishes from Y!A.

Answer 10

Support her,if you are visiting them this is nice for them.She loves her husband and will be there till the end, as you will be for her. Is there some outside help that they could claim for,from welfare social services etc.