A question for Mothers?

Question

My husband died a few years ago

I took me a long time to get to the point I not feel guilty about his death.

Yesterday, I said something to my mother inlaw, that was wrong to say
When I saw saying I should not said that
My mother inlaw told me that my husband would still been alive if he was with her. That she would of saw it was sick, and took him to the hospital. That I caused his death

My brother told me, I should not be mad. That All mother will think they can take better care of there child then anyone else

I think she did it to hurt me. It took years for me to get to a place where I could start living again. That I even almost died, because I was so upset, I did not reallize I was bleed to death.

Today, I can not function, and back in the dark place

My question is, do you think all mothers would say that, or was she just being mean, and did not care how it would effect me

I have a seven year old daughter

My mom died of cancer when I was ten.
My husband got sick and died, in 24 hours with menagities(I know spelled wrong)

I would never cut her out of my life, she is my daughter only grandma
My mom mother was a very importment part of my live. I would never cut my child off from her grandma

Answer 1

I think it is both. When people loose a loved one it affects them in several different ways. Your first instinct is to try and figure out how you could have prevented it. If you and your husband couldn't figure out he was sick, I really doubt that your mother in law could have. Even if she is right and she might possibly have sensed something in all honesty your husband probably would have not listened anyway, after all he was a grown up too.

The second instinct you tend to have is blaming. Playing the blame game does not fix anything, and only hurts people, but everyone does it. For one small moment she got to not feel the guilt that there is something she could have done (which there was nothing), and she got to blame someone...you. I am not saying it was right, but for one moment she got to feel better by identifying a person who was at fault, at least in her mind.
Please understand that she is still hurting just like you, and she is looking for answers. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children, but she has outlived her son. Her lashing out against you had more to do with her pain and a lot less to do with how you could possibly be to blame.
As for you, you need to come back out of the dark place you have locked yourself into. In your heart you know that it was just your husband’s time to go, you are not to blame. It is of no comfort what so ever, but these things just happen sometimes. No one is to blame, and no one can do anything about it. What you can do is not lock yourself away. Do you think your husband wanted to die? Of course not, do you think he would want you to basically lock yourself away and be alive, but not really living? Of course not.
If this had happened last month I may be cutting you some slack, but the only way to find things to live for now is to go out and try to live. I am not saying you need to become the life of the party and forget about your husband, but he would not want you to do this to yourself. You have mourned, and will mourn some more, but you need to get out. Join a book club, a knitting guild, even a bowling league, just one day a week, get out.

In time I think you will realize there are things still to live for, like yourself.

Answer 2

Hi, I am a widow too. I don't know the circumstances of your husband's death, but I will share my story with you. First of all it is completely natural the feel survivors guilt. I know I did.

My husband was an alcoholic and had Hepatitis C. The last 3 and half years of his life he sat in his room and drank and watched TV., If he was awake, he was drinking. I sometimes think that if I had nagged more, or left him, or... maybe he would still be alive. The fact of the matter is that I had no control over what was going on. I did the best I could and I'm sure that you did too.

My in-laws were upset with me too for awhile. I really can't answer about your mother-in-law but I can tell you that I know that pain sometimes causes people to say and do things that they wouldn't ordinarily say or do. I don't think my mother-in-law purposely hurt me, which isn't to say that the result wasn't the same.

I also have a good friend that lost her husband. He was in the army and he called her to tell her that he was going to come home and lay down for awhile because he wasn't feeling well. She didn't go home. When she got home she found him dead of a heart attack. She felt guilty and you know there was nothing that she could have done. She could not possibly have known he was going to die. He didn't even know.

You can't control your mother-in-laws tongue, but you can control your reaction to it. If this is something she does all the time then maybe it's time that you don't have a relationship with her until she understands you won't tolerate her behavior.

Another point is that it can't be changed now, no matter what the circumstances were, so give it to God and don't let others control your feelings.

Margit

Answer 3

Do you have any children? If so are any of them boys? I have both boy and girl and I can say I have a connection with both in a very different way. The love of a mother to a son is indescribable.

I think that she feels as if she must place blame on someone to justify her loss. She has not come to that place you have come. She has lost the most unconditional love a person could ever feel. I am sure you can relate to pain she is feeling.

I think you must forget about this comment and move on, don't hold it against her. She may not even "really" feel this way about you; it's just an excuse for the pain she is feeling.

Get back on track, hold your head up, and look forward not back. Hold that love you shared with your husband close to your heart, but do not let the pain hold you down.

Talk to your friends and family about it and get it off your chest, but then let it go, this will eat you alive if you let it. Only you have control now.

May you be blessed with the courage to let go of the pain and allow yourself to move on.

Answer 4

First of all I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you have gone through. Its not your fault that your husband died and I think what your mother inlaw said was very hurtful and distatseful. I am sure that she misses her son but i do not think that that was called for. I have a daughter and i know i would be lost with out her if something were to happen to her but you gotta accept it and move on (Directed toward mother inlaw). I am sure that you wished you had taken your husband to the hospital but it is not your fault. Im sure that you did not know that he was that sick. Just ignore what you mother inlaw said because she is wrong and try your best to go on with your life.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness

Answer 5

First, my condolences on the loss of your husband...

Mothers are not rational when it comes to their children. A mother is never (ever) going to think some other woman can take care of her son as well as she can. Heck, we don't think our husbands can do as good a job either...

I think your MIL spoke out of hurt, anger and fear. I think she wants to believe that somehow her son could have been saved---and she could have done it. If she can hold onto that thought then she doesn't have to fully accept his death because it was not inevitable in her eyes.

Perhaps she said it to hurt you or be mean, but she also said it out of pain and maybe guilt. Maybe she wishes she had kept a better eye on him and then he would have lived. Perhaps she blames herself a bit because she didn't watch over him the way she did when he was little.

Please do not allow this to set you back and hurt you. When someone is in pain they lash out like a wild animal hurting everyone and anyone around them---it doesn't mean what she said was true or accurate.

You are at a place where you can live again--you're healing. it sounds like you MIL isn't in that place yet. Take care of yourself, focus on the good and the happy and maybe some day she'll be able to do the same.

Peace.

Answer 6

That is a mean, cold hearted, thoughtless thing to say. Even if she really feels that way some things are just better left unsaid.

My mom passed away 8 years ago and I still relive that day and wonder if there was something I could have done differently that would have changed it all, etc. I lived with guilt for a long time. Your MIL needs to realize her son was a grown man and he was resonsible enough to take care of himself. You can't drag someone to a dr/hospital if they are unwilling. Who's to say she would have been successful even if he was with her?

It took me a long time to come to this realization myself (with lots of therapy!). I know it's hard, and what she said was awful, but try not to be bitter towards her. She too is feeling the pain of losing her son and needs an outlet for her grief. Hopefully in time she will come to realize it was just his time and no one is to blame.

Good luck and God Bless. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

Your mother in law is still suffering from the loss of her son. She's trying to blame "someone" or "anyone". She's most likely in a dark place herself.
Death happens. No one is to blame. Your husband was sick. It must have been his time to go. You can not possibly be responsible for his death.
Have you talked to anyone, maybe a counselor? Good luck, try to move forward in your life. You're young, you have a lot to look forward to...focus on a new beginning :)

Answer 8

Honestly yes I think a lot of mothers and even some fathers would feel that way. I know my mom got upset at my ex when I got really sick and he didn't take me to the hospital like she felt he should. We as mothers feel we know whats best and that doesn't change just because our kids growup and start families of their own. She is a grieving mother, she lost her son and she may never really get over that.

Answer 9

Your husband was a grown man with a wife. I dont think you are to blame and I think his mother knows that too. I think she just said it out of her own guilt, grief and hurt.

I would write a note to her telling her you were hurt by the comment, you understand she is still grieving, but so are you and you dont deserve that kind of attack.

I would also drop communications with her for a while until she has time to think of what she said and the reality of the situation.

Answer 10

I personally would never say that. But I don't think she was saying that to be intentionally mean. Is your mother-in-law seeing a counselor/therapist to help deal with her grieving? When someone very close dies, people sometimes just cannot deal with it and need something/someone to blame. I think she is using you as that outlet of blame to try and heal her hurting, but it will never make her feel better. Can you talk to someone close to her about her getting counseling, if she is not already?