How can I keep my independent toddler safe in van & parking lots?

Question

My 2 1/2 year old refuses to hold my hand in parking lots & runs ahead to demonstrate his independence. When I try to hold his hand or pick him up to protect him, he screams, writhes, and bites. In the car, he loosens the five point harness on the car seat to free his shoulders and loosen his upper body from the restraint. He sometimes unbuckles the safety belt which secures the car seat to the bench seat in the mini-van. He hates the car seat! He wants to be independent like his 10-year old brother. Yesterday, when I was trying to get him into the car seat, he ran away from the mini van and into the street and nearly got hit by a car driving by. I'm at my wit's end. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. How can I rationalize with my 2 1/2 year old about safety issues??? I've tried the Barney safety videos, but to no avail.

Answer 1

You're the boss and you have to prove it to him. I know it sounds ridiculous but talk to him sternly about the situation and let him know you are serious. He may not get everything you are saying but some will sink in. Also, start off by going somewhere he likes to go and tell him if he doesn't stay in his seat and/or hold your hand you are not going in and follow through. It will be tough and I wish you luck!

Answer 2

You cannot rationalize with him, so save your breath and your energy. There are some things you can discuss or explain to a child, and there are some things that you can't. Sometimes the kid needs to learn that YOU are the boss and he's outta luck.

If he doesn't obey the rules, then he doesn't get to go with you is a good place to start.

If you carry a purse, switch to a backpack so you have both hands free. Grab on to him tightly. If he writhes or bites you, restrain him---sit down if you have to and hold on so he can't bite you.

If he is biting then he loses all priviledges for a bit---no tv, etc. Pick something---what would you do if he bit under other circumstances?

IMO Running away in a parking lot is far too serious an issue for a typical "time out".

Whatever you do MUST be so unpleasant that he will never ever want to run off again---whether it is no dessert or losing a favorite toy, or a smack on the butt, the consequence for taking off MUST make a huge impression.

Ditto for the car seat---do you still have his baby car seat? threaten to put him back in the "baby" seat if he doesn't stay buckled.

Look for a car seat that he can't unbuckle by himself. Contact your seat's manufacturer and see if there is a buckle that is harder to undo.

Also, keep the straps snug and the center part up by his armpits.

**Put him in charge of making sure everyone else is buckled...maybe he'll like being the boss!

If he unbuckles while you are driving, pull over as soon as it is safe (be dramatic about it if you can) and start giving him holy hell. If he has a toy, take it away from him. Scare him with the yelling about how unsafe it is. Strong emotions anchor memories, so make him feel very sad and he's less likely to forget the lesson.

Can't the 10 year old help? Have him buckle when he gets in and make a big deal out of it---have him tell the little one that big boys always buckle, etc.

With my kids we had rules and consequences and yet the safety rules were always non-negotiable, heavy punishment things. Running away in a parking lot, unbuckling, things like that called for the "nuclear weapon" level of punishment. There was no room for excuses, explanations or pleading about "safety rules." Even today now that my kids are a bit older they know that if I say it is a "safety rule" they had better obey it.

****But if you threaten a punishment you MUST follow through.******

One of my kids had to skip the last five houses of trick or treating at Halloween one year (his brothers got to go on) because he broke a safety rule. To this day my kids remember that and they know I will follow through with what I say.(Even if it makes ME sad.)

Good luck, I know how terrifying and exhausting this can be.

Answer 3

The ten yr. old needs to show that he wears his seat belt to the younger one. IS there a way to perhaps lossen the straps on his shoulders a little bit for more comfort?
Have you sat down at home with your toddler, and let him know how it's important to stay with mommy in the parking lot?
There is one other alternative. I used to think of it as cruel-but these days if it's needed, use it-a safety harness"leash" on the child-when out and about.
As for the car seat, is he in a car seat-or a toddler seat? It may be time to advance to that.
Also, in your local area, if there is a child safety seat inspection open for the public-you may want to go to that, and ask for their ideas on how to keep the car seat buckled into place in the car.
Or, if you have the patience - maybe start teaching your son he loses on the priveledge of going out to the stores and different places when he unbuckles the seat from the regular seat, etc. It would mean a lot of trips started, and then having to turn around and head home when he doesn't cooperate.
It was just a suggestion. Or, when he does cooperate, "reward" him with a trip to the park or something afterwards. Not on every trip, but like a couple days of doing it right-that kind of thing.
Last but not least-consider talking with his pediatrician about this matter. I'm sure you are not the only one who has ever gone thru this. The dr. may have some clever dieas to help you. Take care.

Answer 4

SERIOUS issue here. First of all...YOU are the parent and he is the child! NO EXCEPTIONS on NOT holding your hand, keeping seat belt on, etc...Now listen for a second. I had this problem and I think we all have at some time. This is what I did. IF my son came out of his car seat...WE STOPPED the van and didn't move until he was restrained again. (make it a bit tighter might help also). Also: we moved the car seat inside so he could watch a movie like Barney's and actually sit in the car seat doing it. You can't rationalize with your son; he has NO rational. YOU must keep him safe. Praise him if he does well...and let him know that you will NOT go anywhere until he sits in his seat. REMEMBER: it's actually harder for the parent to sit and wait for their lil' one to calm down and do the right thing....but in the long run he'll get the message that if he doesn't sit correctly he doesn't go ANYWHERE. Period. Let him know this. As for holding his hand...pick him up and if he tries to bite or kick you OR scream...return to van/car until he stops. Or better yet; go home. I know this sounds harsh...but I've left many baskets of food and toys because of trantums. Final Note:
It's only the terrible two's. G'luck.

Answer 5

A lot of people are against using the harnesses, but better safe than dead. They have some harnesses at Fred Meyer's for about $12 that are little animals so they look like backpacks. I had to use a harness when my son was 18 months because I was pregnant and could not keep up with him and he nearly got hit too. As for the seatbelt issue, there are a couple of things you can do. #1. Get a lid from a spray can (Like spray paint or hair spray) and cut a slit in the top. Buckle the seatbelt through the slit and they cannot get their fingers under the lid to undo the belt, or #2. Go to Babies R Us and purchace a device made for this issue. Sometimes it also helps to raise your voice when they are doing something dangerous so it grabs their attention. I had to do this with a little boy I babysit because he was really bad about undoing his seatbelt and his brother's carseat. Raising my voice got him to stop. It has only been a couple of months since I started watching them and he no longer does this.

Answer 6

When he runs out into the street like that you need to be firm with your words and say "no" you do not run away. Hold him firmly enough not to hurt him. Let him know your serious with your voice. Before letting him out of the retraint seat get your stroller out and prepare it so you can just put him in and buckle him. Do not let him out or else thats what he will expect when you are out shopping. Give him a bag of cherrios or his favorite finger snacks or even a favorite toy. Give him a sippy cup with chockolate quick. Food usually does it for my kids. Now every time we go out they know what to expect and don't fight me as much. To keep him safe in the van. you can some how block the belt so he won't unbuckle it. When you see him doing it say ,No firmly and mean it. Again the cherrior or a ziplock bag of a healthy finger food will keep him distracted. If it doesn't work, you or your husband must sit in the back with him to keep him safe. Remember this is only a stage and he will grow out of it. Two and a half is still a young age for them to understand safetly. But they do understand your firm voice and your consistency. it gets better at three and even better at age four.

Answer 7

My daughter is 2 1/2 years old, and sometimes she also likes to be independent, I explained to her what happens when she goes in the street, and she got the picture. She tries to kick and scream and have a fit when I hold her hand, but I show her who the boss is, and take her hand anyway. If he is trying to be like your 10 year old, maybe you can ask your 10- year old to help. Ask him to help make getting into the car seat, and buckling up seem fun. When my little brother was younger he use to like to run and play in the street also, my mom took a toy truck and ran over him with it to show how it hurts and that is what happens when he runs in the street.

Answer 8

we have had many talks with my daughter about the parking lot and the street. if she does run into the street or the parking lot< she has done it twice> she gets a spanking. we only spank her for things that would seriously harm her and that we cannot take the chance of it happening again< ie touching the stove, running into the street, etc> i know a lot of parents do not like spanking as a punishment, but we use it and use it sparingly. if you use spanking too much, it loses effect and just turns into your child expecting to get hit for bad things. she has ran into the street twice in her life, and has not done it since about a year ago. she knows that when i get out of the car,. and to her side, then she can undo the carseat, not before. it is much safer for my daughter to obey me in situations like that than to be a buddy in those situations. as for the hand holding, i gave her the choice of being carried, or she could walk and hold my hand. period. no room for negotiation. i give her the choice so she can choose which she would like< she always holds my hand> it may not be fun for a while, and he may fuss and cry about it, but he will get over it. this is for his safety and well being, he will come around eventually. keep a firm hand and voice! stick to your guns and he will realize this is just what he has to do. good luck

Answer 9

There no rationalizing with a 2 year old, Especially when it comes to safety. Before you leave the house talk to him and let him know you expect him to act like a big boy and hold your hand in parking lots and if not you will have to carry him like a baby. He will test you that's what toddlers do! but if you have to carry him kicking and screaming do it. don’t give in and he will start to realize your serious. hope this help good luck!

Answer 10

That's what toddler reins are for. If you don't have the reins, tell him the choice is that you will hold his hand or you will carry him under your arm "like a baby". If he is twisting round to try to bite you then hold his hair so it hurts him if he does so. You are the mum, he shouldn't be "refusing" to do anything, especially not to do something as dangerous as run off into the road! You are lucky he's not dead.

Personally I would smack a child who was behaving in an unsafe manner like that, for their own safety. He is too young to rationalise, it;s up to you to make him behave. Running off is unacceptable and so is undoing a safety belt.