My husband and I have been foster parents for many years now, but we have just recently moved back to Portland, where his family and mine live.
Anyway, my family are constantly going on about the way we have taken in 'someone elses child', and they are starting to intefere big time in our disciplining of them. When I asked my SIL recently to let me handle my children, she informed me "they're not really yours, they're someone elses".
Do I explain yet again that while we parent these children, WE are the parents, or should I just ignore it and start restricting the access my family has to our children?
Other suggestions are also welcome!
2007-09-13 18:57:31 · 14 answers · asked by Sonja 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I think as long as the children are not exposed to these conversations I think you and your husband can handle it.
It is ignorance on the part of your family. Fostering is a very noble thing to do and in many ways you are better than parents to these kids you are their knights in shining armour.
If this negativity persists I would privately sit down with your family and explain about fostering kids and how you and your husband want to make them as much a part of your family as you can. Get your husband to do the same with his family. However if it is just a few snide comments here and there I would suggest you let it go as much as possible-you know what you are doing is great and there is no point in falling out with your family over it seeing as you are now living nearby and have to see them all the time.
2007-09-14 02:38:16 · answer #1 · answered by strictmom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U have good reason to be nervous because this is not going to be easy. I see a lot of foster kids at school where I work. Some of them are wonderful, but most of then are a handful. I would have waited until my own kids were a bit older if I were in your shoes, because this new guy is coming with lots of baggage, and he could physically endanger your youngest children. U might not be allowed to spank him according to whatever rules your foster agency uses. If this is the case U R are going to have an even worse time with discipline. They may only allow time out or taking away privileges. I am sure U will make him feel welcome, but be aware of the fact that foster kids can behave at first because everything is new, and then start acting out in a few days or weeks when they feel more settled in and comfortable in their surroundings. Because this is a common pattern in many disturbed children, U should be very careful in making sure that house rules are followed from the very beginning. U can always lighten up later, but if U do not establish authority from the beginning U will have trouble later on getting it back. U R braver than I was. I wanted to do foster kids, and took classes to do so, but after finding out how some of these children act, I am glad that I did not follow through. I ended up having my own kids, and that was fulfilling enough.
2016-05-19 01:41:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would explain to them that you are the parent as long as the children are with you. And that if it didn't stop you would restrict them from being around you and the children. If this is being done in front of the children I wouldn't let them around the children, they have already had enough stress in there little lives and I'm sure hearing that hurts their feelings too. I thinks it's great you take in these children and provide them with a safe and loving home when one wasn't provided for them by there parents. And besides you said you have been doing this for years, so I'm sure you know what you're doing and what is best. Best of luck to you!!!:)
2007-09-13 19:06:41 · answer #3 · answered by hippie_chick69love 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really hope they aren't saying these things in front of the children. It could really damage them. I would say call a family meeting and explain the damage of these words and how you feel toward parenting these children. Ask you family (and his) if they would behave that way if these WERE your kids. If they say yes you have a serious issue on hand. If they say no then tell them they need to behave as if they are your kids cause while you have them they are. Being a loving a supporting family is wonderful for these kids, having extra hands in and them not knowing which way to turn isn't.
2007-09-13 19:03:50 · answer #4 · answered by Pamela B 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well those children are in your care and you have been given the right legally. So they are your kids and as long as you are following the guidelines the state as set you can discipline them the way you see fit. If the family is being this way I would keep the kids away from them. I would try however to first put them in their place.
People think just because they are family you have to put up with their crap, however if anyone in my family does not treat me right I stay away from them. And when they ask why I do not come around I will tell them.
2007-09-13 19:10:40 · answer #5 · answered by ....... 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to point out,firmly,that they may not treat these children any differently than any biological children you may have or any of them may have, that you are the parents and will decide on discipline and that if they cannot treat these kids as members of the family you will have to cut off communication. What they are doing is wrong and their attitude is insensitive at best . I hope they are not spouting this nonsense in front of the children.
2007-09-13 19:11:01 · answer #6 · answered by EC Expert 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As for your family saying that they are not your kids they are wrong. The discipline problem you should set down the rules with your family and stick to them once they stray from them then I would limit the time with them. Remember these kids are your family also. I would like to say that I appreciate what you are doing and do not let anyone gestures or comments derail you from what you are giving these children.
2007-09-13 19:06:20 · answer #7 · answered by Travis L 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down and talk with your extended family...
The whole reason for foster parent program is just that! to give those children a family environment and decent guidance from loving parents, whether their blood or foster.. I admire you for opening your home to them. They need structure and discipline in a good loving environment, which could lead to solid good grounded children who are going out into the world today... Dont limit their access to your family, they need to know that real adjusted families have quirks, disagreements, and discussions, its normal. but you do need to set guidelines with your family about this.. Goodluck! and God bless you for doing this! ^_^
2007-09-13 19:08:41 · answer #8 · answered by Mintee 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would agree with what was already said regarding a meeting of sorts. You also should lay down the option they have.
A: Respect our family rules and treat these children as though they are our blood.
or
B: You will no longer be welcome in our home when the children are here.
Its a wonderful thing that you and your husband have taken on, and if they can't respect your "family dynamic" then they will be choosing to be disallowed to return to your home.
2007-09-13 19:09:29 · answer #9 · answered by AZrunner 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good for you I was in foster familys between 6-8 old 13 familys but the one thing that sticks out is the familys that did diciplen. me thers a diferince hiting and spanking
2007-09-13 19:31:52 · answer #10 · answered by thebowman02 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋