Everytime biological mother calls my step kids hate me?

Question

I am a step mom to 3 children. A girl age 12 and two boys (10 and 8.) Biological mom disappeared 2 1/2 years ago after my husband took custody of them. For 2 years she did not even see them. She finally picked up again legally in January of this year although (as the last 2 1/2 years have been) she has financially abandoned them. My husband and I still help mom out by helping with transportation for visits since she lives 3 hours away. She sees them one weekend every 2 weeks. The rest of the time I am their primary care taker since their Dad works full time. Usually things are great. We all have a great relationship and have lots of fun together. I have 2 sons of my own as well and we have really all come together. But their biological mom calls 2 or 3 times a week and for the rest of the night my step kids ignore me and act angry with me. This woman is horribly jealous of me and is intent on knocking me down to them. What would you do when this starts? Anything? Or nothing?

I was prepared for the "their mom is their mom" responses. I agree with them wholeheartedly. I am not their biological mom even though I have taken on that role in our particular household. And taking on this role was my choice. I was not forced into it. I do accept that I should "know my place."

But concerning this whole perception I have a bit of confusion on the matter. Regardless of divorce or custody situations there is not one single person on earth that a child is permitted to disrespect. They are not expected or allowed to disrespect their teachers or other children simply because their parents are no longer married. They are not excused in public from treating strangers with respect. So, I guess this would be a part two to my question. Why is it that the stepmother is not entitled respect? It seems as though the stepmother is the only person in the world we must allow to be talked down to or ignored. Why?

Answer 1

Let me guess..biological mom was/is a control freak? Her calls are unwanted. I'd say use caller ID and stop letting her call when it is your husband's time with the kids. It isn't your fault that the mom keeps calling and getting your step kids upset.

This is a boundary issue. The mom is trying to control her kids even when they are with their dad. This really has nothing to do with you -- for those who are complaining that justme has asked this question. It is a valid question. When the kids are with their mom, do you call them? Do you call her? If so, don't do it anymore. I'm guessing you don't call, but I felt I needed to put that part in just in case.

You have every right to control the household since you are the adult around the kids most of the time. The mom has no right to call when it isn't her "turn" to have the kids. Why is she calling? If it is to just talk to her kids, and her kids don't want to talk to her, they have every right to say no. My guess is the kids really resent the fact that their mom left them and now here she is back again and wanting to act like nothing ever happened. The kids likely need to talk to you and your husband or a counselor. They need to get these feelings out or they'll continue to resent their mom. They were at the perfect age when she left to feel personally hurt by it. And I know the mom hasn't apologized for leaving.

You're in the middle. What I suggest is have your husband talk to her and make her aware that when she calls she is interrupting his time with the kids and that -- since he doesn't call when she has the kids -- she shouldn't call when it is his turn. It's really just a manipulative trick she is playing to undermine your relationship with your husband and your step kids. It is up to the kids' father to set things right. But you have a valid complaint. As a divorced mom, I know what it's like to want to call my son while my ex has him. But I learned that it disrupts his weekend with his dad and that it isn't necessary. The only time I call my ex while he has my son is when something important comes up that can't wait, like: he forgot our son's medications, I forgot where and when we were going to meet to "trade off", or someone (God forbid) in my family passes away. Anything else can wait. So your husband, not you, is responsible for telling the mom that she's overstepping her bounds when she calls the kids. He needs to offer her ONE night that she can call during the two weeks she doesn't see the kids. He needs to be the one talking to her and the kids should be able to say no if they don't want to talk to her.

It is as simple as that. The kids resent their mom and they resent her intrusion into their time away from her. So, get them talking or get them to a counselor, have your husband set up the ONE call she can make during her "off" time, and then stick by what you set up. If she calls and it isn't an emergency, then you need to take away the night she would normally be allowed to call. You can start anew when her next visit with the kids is over. Again, she is only trying to undermine your relationship with your husband and his kids. So she needs to stop trying to control or interrupt the time you guys have with the kids. So get your husband to control when she can call and your husband needs to be the one telling her if she called at the "wrong" time and that she can't call again until after the next visit she has with the kids.

You can step out from between them. It's not your problem. This is between your husband and his ex. If he refuses to take control of the situation, I'd seek marriage counseling, because what his ex is doing is going to destroy your marriage -- and she knows that.

Good luck!

Answer 2

The biological Mother gets to be the play parent - while you have been tagged with the responsibility of being the "no-fun" parent. She gets to pop in and out, and be the fun weekend get away - while you have the role of running their day to day life and making them pick up their dirty clothes and do their homework. Their kids - they don't fully understand that what you do for them is truly important.
Plus you are dealing with a mother who obviously has issues because she disappeared for 2 years - they are going to be reluctant to act out with her for fear that they will 'cause' her to leave again.

I wish I had some great advice for you - what I can offer is that as they age they begin to understand what a real parent is, and they value that, but that usually doesn't occur until their late teens or early 20's. Just hang in there and continue to do the best you can by the children.

Answer 3

Yes, she is manipulating the kids, trying to sew dissent.

When the kids start behaving like that, you need to pull them all into a little family meeting with their dad. Simply explain that you know that their biological mom is saying a lot of bad stuff, and that it is all intended to make things difficult... she is trying to destroy this family. Remind them that their mom unceremoniously abandoned them 2-1/2 years ago and only just started calling. Let them know that you love them UNCONDITIONALLY, but will not put up with any disrespect.
Their dad needs to reiterate that getting together with their biological mom is not an option.

I would try discussing the situation with her... or rather having your husband discuss this with her.
The next stage will be going through the courts and having her visitations switched to SUPERVISED VISITATION. Attempting to mess with the family will have a price tag.

Answer 4

Look, honestly, it isn't the ex's fault the kids act this way - they have a lot of feelings to sort out - no matter what has happened in the past, their mom is their mom - and the whole situation they are in is hurtful, and confusing.

Let them brood after their conversations - it is their way of showing they are confused - and it is how they sort out how they feel.

The best thing you can do, is to get them into counseling, so that they have a neutral third party to talk to about the angst going on inside them. It's hard at such young ages to understand that you can divide your love and loyalties equally...without hurting anyone, including themselves.