Me and my partner will be getting married Nov. 1, 2007 for the moment we live together. I have held off telling my 9 yr old son. However my 15 year old is very much aware of my relationship and our intentions. We ALL have concerns regarding my youngest understandings of the relationship. Since he so sensative and sometimes can be quite feminne we are worried that we may present him with confusing thoughts that he still is not ready for. We assume he sees our relationship as a friendship. when asked how he feels about mom living with a women instead of a man he replys " It doenst matter to me". He loves my fiance very much as she loves him as well.
2007-09-13 11:13:36 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
At 9, yes you should tell him and of course you should include him. At that age, they're very accepting, and if you lie to him, he'll be more hurt and confused than if you just told him.
2007-09-13 11:21:35 · answer #1 · answered by graybear 4 · 12⤊ 2⤋
In all honesty, you are past that point.
He lives with you and you partner, there is not a dad at home. Since you do not mention biodad, I assume he is not a part of the childs life. He knows full well that his "family" isn't like most people's.
So what's the point of not having him at the wedding? He lives with it 24/7, why would the wedding be anymore confusing than day to day life.
I also suspect that you are afraid you kid will turn gay. I don't really thing you can make a kid gay. He'll nbe gay or he won't. I really wouldn't worry about that.
What will happen is the kid will grow up to be a sissy without a strong male infulence. I'm not saying he has to playfootball and join the Marines, but he does need someone to teach him how to be a man. Otherwise middleschool is going to be hell.
IWhen it come to teacing you son to be manly, consider this. You want him to be able to handle himself around 3 things:
A lady.
A baby.
and a flat tire.
As long as he can do that, he'll be fine.
2007-09-13 11:32:09 · answer #2 · answered by Joseph G 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I could not possibly see you not including him in the cerimony. if he finds out at a later age that you did not include him he may be even more hurt. This is his family and you all need to sit down and talk honestly about how it is growing. If he said it did not matter that Mum is living with a woman rather than a man. Then let HIM explain what it does mean to him. He may love your partner but how does he relate to your partner. Is his dad in the picture? Does he already view her as his other /third parental unit? I And does he view your relationship with her as permanent?
If he already views her in these manors then he has already accepted the fact that you love this person and they are now family. you will never know these things until you have talked to him a bit more. maybe a little at a time. Feel him out. As for him being feminine? Well he will work out his direction in his own time. Perhaps he has not found the righ "crush" yet. He will let you know when he is ready and hopefully that will not be when he is 30...
Good luck and congratulations!!!
2007-09-13 11:35:16 · answer #3 · answered by Bella Noir 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You're getting married in less that two months and still wondering whether to tell your child???
I know you were trying to protect him, and I respect that. I truly do believe you meant it for the best. I also think you've made a mistake in not being clear with him.
He's young and he's sensitive, so that's why you needed to give him as much preparation as possible. At this point I think you're going to have to sit down and tell him what's going on. To be blunt, I think the worst fallout could be that he feels lied to about this or not trusted to know rather than the fact that you're marrying a woman.
Also, if his father and his older brother both know the score, you may find your younger son knows a lot more than you realize about the situation. Even if they haven't outright told him, he's old enough that he may have picked up on turns of phrase or patterns he's seen. A sensitive nine-year-old often sees more than the people around him give him credit for.
He loves you, he loves your fiancee, and he's comfortable with knowing you live in the same place. Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you're getting married. At nine I didn't worry too much about whether a marriage was controversial or not, but I would have been devestated if someone I loved - let alone a parent - tried to keep her marriage from me because she feared how I would react to her choice of partner.
Even if he has a bad reaction right now, two months from now he may well be able to be happy for you. Give him those two months to come to terms with this.
2007-09-13 11:37:30 · answer #4 · answered by gileswench 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Normally sexual preference tendencies don't really manifest until puberty or very close to the onset of puberty. He may be showing gay tendencies early or he may be just showing his affection for his friends. If he pulls away when you come into the room, he has gotten the idea from somewhere that it is frowned upon to hold his buddy's hand. He may just be a very sensitive young man and holding hands is a good way for him to empathize with his buddy. I don't think at this point you need to set down and have a serious discussion with him. When you come across him holding hands with his friend, just reassure him that it is OK. Don't make him feel self-conscious about it. But you need to keep him reassured that is OK, but some people may not like what he is doing.
2016-05-18 23:08:20 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would think that the understanding about you getting married is the least of your concerns when it comes to you son…. Maybe before you look at the end of the road you should look at where you have been. What kind of understanding do you think he is obtaining from your relationship that is going on every day? If there are any issues then they are already in front of you. Open your eyes. You said as much in your question. Also if you have to ask the general public I would guess that you already know the answer. I am not ripping you just pointing out the obvious.
2007-09-13 11:28:28 · answer #6 · answered by aknalp 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I think he should. At this age, they are usually more accepting and open anyway. I am sure he is aware of your relationship and knows it is more than just a friendship, especially if you have been living together. Just explain it to him in your terms. You love each other and want to become a family. He'll be a part of that family, he deserves to be a part of the ceremony. You may even chose to have some family vows to include your children in the ceremony. Best wishes!
2007-09-15 13:17:43 · answer #7 · answered by LoveWithNoBoundaries 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
absolutely, he will appreciate your openness so much more in the long run than if you try to protect him from something that you dont think he'll understand. Put the faith in him and give him the chance. A wedding is about coming together as a couple and sharing in a family - she is going to be a bigger part of your life as well as your son's and vice versa, so i think he should be there. You can even try to involve him some way or perhaps have a family uniting ceremony for your children and your fiance since it doenst seem like she is adopting them. This well they will feel special and he'll be more open to understanding
good luck and congrats
2007-09-13 11:46:08 · answer #8 · answered by Pretty Blues 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
at nine I think he could really be getting an idea of what's going on if not now, soon..... It's sad you are excluding him from such an important part of your life.
He's feminine and might have confusing thoughts? I dont understand how could your relationship affects his feminine thoughts? In my mind they are unrelated.
Anyways I wouldn't be hiding a relationship when you are living together.
I dont know, I mean if you behave as if things are wrong he Will believe something is wrong. If you give him an example of love then that is what he will learn. I would include him, though, now that you hid it he may have a reaction to this sudden turn of events and he may have a harder time adjusting to the idea, but the longer you wait to tell him him the more betrayed he will feel
2007-09-13 11:30:40 · answer #9 · answered by minty 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think that it is Very important for you to be the one to tell him the truth.. I think that it would be more confusing if he was to hear it from someone at school. Since you have already asked him his opinion of you living with another woman instead of the traditional man, you have already started him on the topic. There's no need to go into graphic details but a simple " i love Tammy very much and she loves me. we have decided to get married in November and we would be very happy if u would be apart of this celebration..." or something . at the age of 9 he would definitely be involved in a traditional wedding ceremony. Unless you're going to hide the fact that you are getting married from him forever it is best to be honest upfront.
2007-09-13 11:30:08 · answer #10 · answered by guiltylegend 1 · 3⤊ 1⤋
First off, congratulations on your wedding!
Second off, it is wonderful that your 15 year old is very accepting of your relationship with your partner.
Third, hmmm, I am sure that your 9 year old will somehow find out that you and your partner married and if he doesn't attend he might feel that he wasn't wanted at the event.
I think it would be a good idea if both you and your partner together ask him to attend.
Children are a lot more smarter and accepting that we give them credit for. I am sure if he loves both of you that he will be happy for you.
2007-09-13 11:24:00 · answer #11 · answered by Vera C 6 · 8⤊ 1⤋