Trouble with my dad?!?

Question

I am the proud mother of a 18 month old daughter, and a 4 month old son. We have had mostly girls in my side of the family. My father always wanted a son and never did.

Anyhow, the trouble is that my father, their grandpa has acted weird towards my son since his birth. Not only was he not there when he was born at the hospital. They promised they would come out then and help while I recovered from my complicated c-section, but never came. We weren't expecting them to do anything if they came here but why make a promise and back out like that?

Finally they came out when my son was 3 months old to visit. But when they were here they acted like it was a vacation for them and my dad didn't even hold him twice the whole time and acted rude to DH.

I mentioned that maybe the new baby and I would come out to visit yesterday - dad was totally weird and said he wanted my daughter to come out with me instead. I just feel so strange now about my dad as a grandfather. Why is he like this?

Answer 1

Hi! I understand your feelings entirely. I think the previous answerer had some truth to her words that he isn't interacting as much and I am sure it can factor into that a little. Also your daughter has been around longer and they naturally have a stronger bond with her.

However, I do think it's a bit strange that he promised to come out and then never showed for the birth. I can't imagine not being there for the birth of my grandchild.

Also the references to rudeness to your husband and some of the other implications that he is selfish or doesn't care as much about spending quality time with the grandkids indicates that he is distant with you. Perhaps he is being influenced by someone else regarding the way he communicates with you.

I guess my advice is that you should wait until the right time to talk to him about it. Apparently there are some other family issues that are just an undercurrent of what's happening. If he doesn't respect your husband too, then I think you need to bring everything out in the open. That could also influence his attitude towards your son, if he dislikes you husband or is a lot like him.

I know all of us hope that when our children are born, our families will be closer together and one perfect picture. Unfortunately, everyone has their own impersonal interests and a lot of times one competes with the other. For example, when another sibling has kids, then it will be a competition to see which grandparent loves the other more. I wouldn't let it get me too upset as upsetting as it can be -even hurtful.

Just put a little distance there, if you decide its easier not to talk to him. Sometimes talking can create even more trouble for you and its best to observe them and be polite but then go your own way.

Don't expect them to show up at your door but always leave it open for them. However, if they try to create trouble with your husband or the harmony of your family, then you have a right to set more specific boundaries. You don't have to visit him if he doesn't care to see the new baby. Just do your own thing but always remind him that he is welcome to visit.

Answer 2

Like the other answerers said, you have some issues with him that are probably deeper than you are telling. Everyone has trouble sometimes with relatives. We can't choose our blood. I think you need to give him some time to come around with a response and just talk about the weather when he calls. Don't give him too much info, just chat about everyday stuff. If he doesn't mention the visit again, then I would wait until the perfect time and call him up and say 'what's your problem?'. But give him some time to react. If he doesn't then let your thoughts be known. Also remind him of his behavior with your husband and distance when he last came out. You have every right to say what you want. You are not living under his roof and you need a thicker skin.

Answer 3

Your dad has some issues with you. I would just put some distance there. Don't talk, it might just mess things up even more.

Men don't think the same way as women do -especially mothers. we don't talk as much about things either. But if it really bugs u so much just ignore him for a while.

After that conversation I would just wait for him to contact you. u already put the decision on his shoulders. now he will think about his words and realize that maybe he didnt react the right way about the visit. give him some time. that will be yr clear answer. if he is silent after this, then he doesn't care. in that case no need to talk just leave him alone.

Answer 4

Its one thing to want a boy and he may feel differently towards him when your son is older and able to play and do "boy" things. Your daughter is of an age where she can interact with your dad. My father in law is like that with all the new babies... Kinda indifferent until they are old enough to interact.

Answer 5

Could he have expected you to name your son after him and you didn't? Did you maybe name him after your father in law or some other male relative?

That just popped into my head when I read your question, but really I think you are just going to have to sit him down and ask him what in the world is going on. If he says nothing or doesn't know what you are talking about, then speak to your mom about his behavior. Maybe he needs a check up.

Answer 6

If dad has no sons, then he has no one to carry on his family name. which means it dies with him. being your a daughter married, that means your son has another family's name not his to carry on. Maybe your son is that constant reminder and your daughter isn't.

Answer 7

Jealous maybe......or he doesn't want to step on your daughter's toes and cause her to be jealous. Usually the first born is jealous of the new addition.

But you just need to lay it down and ask him.....tell him that you have noticed it and that it bothers you.