How can an adoptee not feel like a commodity?

Question

Seems like whenever an adoptee says that they feel like they were bought and sold they are told otherwise. Besides the fact that adoption is a multi-billion dollar BUSINESS - how is it I'm not supposed to feel like a commodity when I come on Yahoo (and other sites) and see "what is the easiest country to adopt from," "what's the quickest way to adopt," "how does one unadopt," "where can I find a birthmom," "I want a healthy boy," "I'd like to adopt a girl," "I want an infant"? How are we supposed to feel like adoption was in our best interest when clearly it is about the interest of the adoptive parents?

lillilou - please point out to me where I said that being wanted is wrong. For youths that are suffering abuse at the hands of their parents then yes, it is not in their best interests to be with them. I could say the same about adoptive parents - I know far to many adoptees who suffered abuse at the hands of the parents who were supposed to be in their best interests. But that's not what I was asking about. I was asking how an adoptee cannot feel like a commodity when we are placed to match an order from the adoptive parents, according to what kind of child they want.

redpeach - how do you figure I'm bitter simply by me asking a question? Do you have ESP? Or are you simply just upset that my views don't match yours? Most, not all but most adoptive parents come to adoption through infertility - years and years of infertility. I wonder how many would have adopted had they been able to have their own children? Who's best interest?

Katherine - your answer is to stupid to respond to.

So many of you who answered missed my point completely. I didn't even talk about the money aspect other than to say it's a multi billion dollar business. I was talking about the "made to order" aspect and how to get a baby in the easiest quickest way possible.

So K, sorry - but I made no correlation between anything. I never said adoptive parents do X while natural parents do Y. Now I don't doubt that natural parents plan to get pregnant because it's in their best interests. In fact, that is exactly what I was trying to say. Adoption is touted as being in the best interest of the child when it's really not. So maybe the myth needs to be ended and people need to admit that when they decided to adopt, especially after infertility, it had NOTHING to do with the child's interests but everything to do with their own.

Answer 1

I think that if an adopted person is aware that their biological parents desplayed some neglectful or unloving actions, or that their biological parents actions make it look like they were truly unwanted, and not worth the work of parenting,

Then I think that adoptee will feel less like a commodity and more happy to have a home where they are wanted.

I think it's really hard if you meet your biological family and realize they were NOT abusive, were NOT neglectful, and actually wanted to keep you desperately.

Then it becomes a class issue. Members of the higher classes with more money wind up getting to have the babies while the younger moms without money suffer.

As an adoptee, it often inspires us to work for social change for families who need better support to keep their children.

And it also makes you feel like your adoptive parents only real reason for having you is the money, which is not really a good reason to lose your family.

Answer 2

I can understand how you would feel like a commodity, especially after reading some of the posts in the last few days "what is the quickest way to adopt?" "how much do I have to pay to adopt a child?" etc. And the news is no better, with people saying the stars "bought" their babies/children. It certainly does seem one sided, I am offended and I am not adopted. But I understand that these people are coming from a place of love and just may not get the message they are sending. My husband and I are looking to adopt from a public agency so I am not unbiased. We would like to adopt a ward of the state, and are aware that the removal of the child from the home may have had a huge impact on the child. But they are in the public system now and we would like to get them out of it, into a family life. And yes, create a family for ourselves.

I worry about my future child/children and that they will feel like a commodity or like it was a trend to adopt when they came into our hearts. As an adoptee, how would you recommend adoptive parents deal with this?

Answer 3

Well, I am sorry that you feel this way. I am an adoptive mother of two beautiful children. My husband and I are unable to have successful pregnancies, but we are very loving and love children. We decided to look into adoption, as we were going through the paperwork we decided we were not going to "take" any baby away from a birthmom. Both of our children come from birthmothers who have had several other children (7 & 3) that were also given up.

Adoption is a tricky thing that way...in most cases the adoptive family had difficulties like my husband and myself, and they are at an emotional time in their lives. The things they say do not always take other people into consideration. I once heard a saying that can be used in the case of an adoption and a funeral (two not very likely comparissons I know!) "Welcome to the idiot zone" I didn't think it was very nice at first, but I understand it now. It is meaning that people do not understand what is going on, nor do they have any idea what you are feeling, but they feel like the need to say something, so they blurt out the first thing that pops into their head. It id usually very silly, and could lean more towards hurtful.

Because I am on the adoptive parent side of the issue, not the adoptee side...I can't possibly understand what you are going through...but please know that adoptive families (most of them) adopte a child because they want you. They do not always have the proper wordings...nor do they use alot of tact in what they are saying.

I do hope that your adoptive family has expressed to you a million + times how much they love you and what a blessing you are. We tell our children that every day, and though they are not yet old enough to understand why we say that...we will continue to do so every day of their lives. We do pray that one day we will be able to adopt again, because we do not believe a child needs our blood running through their veins in order to be ours. But if not, we are very thankful for the two children we do have...and are very thankful to the birthmothers for giving us these precious gifts to love and care for.

You are a special individual...never forget that!

Answer 4

Katherine J- I am really sorry you feel like the only option besides adoption for you was being thrown in the trash, I think that is much worse than feeling like a commodity.

I don't know your situation, but the dichotomy trash bin or adoption is false.


I find it very distressing when adoptees display these attitudes, that one and thank god you weren't an abortion, I don't know how people who feel that way can have any esteem for themselves...good luck to you.


Dory,

Yes, adoption is a business, just like there are all these families "waiting" for a baby, when thousands of older children wait in foster homes.


Infant adoption is about procuring babies for couples by any means necessary.


What kind of society allows this moral corruption in an unregulated industry that deals in the selling of children?


Where is our sense of morality?

Answer 5

I think you have misread some of the posts here. People make statements like "where can I adopt a..." and "What is the easiest way to find a ... to adopt" because they are looking for a means to locate a child. None of us look at the child as a commodity. We see the child as a human being in need of love and a good home.

Would you criticize a seriously ill person that came onto a site and asked what the best place to find a doctor that handles kidney or bone marrow transplants is? It is a search for information, nothing more.

You also have to realize that there are some real idiots that come on these sites and ask questions like "How do you unadopt". First, I doubt that these people are actually adoptive parents. I suspect that they are jerks that come here to cause issues and rant against adoption. (Makes you wonder why someone that is against adoption would take the time to visit an adoption site just to cause problems)

I agree that many people wouldn't adopt if it weren't for infertility issues. People also wouldn't get kidney transplants if it weren't for kidney disease.

I hope that you don't feel like a commodity. I hope that you feel just as blessed and fortunate as your adoptive parents feel.

I hope this helped.

Answer 6

I am sorry that you feel like a commodity. I wish I could make you not feel that way. I tried for 8 years to have a child and went through all the fertility treatments ect. Everyone told me adoption was easier than that. Isn't. You may not have the physcial stuff but you still have the emotinal stuff. We check out several adoption agencies and went with a non profit one out of state. We attend their classes and put together a little photo alblum of ourselves to show birth parents. Oh and we prayed so hard that some birth mother would find us worthy to raise the baby that she couldn't. Children are gifts from God. Adoption is in the Bilble Eph 1:5 Says I have been adopted as God's child. Moses was adopted and so was Jesus by Josphive. Anyway, a birth mother finally did select us and I was there when my son was born and took him home from the hospital. But I did not breath easy until the birth father signed off and the courts made it legal. I didn't want to lose my bundle of joy and love my gift from God. I get upset with the comments about birth parents having their children rip away from them or losing custody because they are drug abusers. Its not always the way it is. Adoption is something you do for the child to give the child what you can't. That does not mean money. But if you have to work all the time to keep the baby, you not giving the baby your time. Birth mother's are selfless to give up a baby. Its got to be the hardest thing in the world
I think you are a gift and I bet your parents feel the same way.

Answer 7

You must have been hurt pretty badly to feel that way. Most people adopt because they want a child to love. A wet kiss, a giant hug, the laugh of a small child having a blast at a birthday party...so many reasons.

My aunt and uncle adopted a neglected, abused baby boy who's mother was a drugged out prostitute. He's a fine man, a minister, husband, father to two wonderful young men, and was glad he was adopted.

How can it be in the best interests of the "Adoptees", to take in a strange child, mop up puke, change dirty diapers and spend themselves broke for the next 25 years taking care of and educating the child?

Easy answer, they get the love, kisses, hugs, "hi, mom", all the things a child brings into a home.

Answer 8

K

The money you are referring to regarding pregnancy and fertility treatment is in exchange for a service, the money exchanged for an adoptee is for a human being. As far as I am aware trading in humans is still illegal in most countries. I'm sure those in the slave trade (and yes it still exists today) would really appreciate your view that they are just taking the wrong slant on it and they should really just be thankful someone wanted to spend that money on them.

Answer 9

Maybe because so many of us were "got" and not born. "We got you at five days old" etc. Taking away the story of our birth, hides the fact were are real and not an object to be gotten.

Answer 10

I wish I knew how to answer this question for you because I too have felt like a commodity...in fact, a commodity that is supposed to be GRATEFUL for being "wanted" so badly that her adoptive parents have tried so hard to get me.

Nothing like being this year's tickle me elmo...huh?