should i tell him about my past?

Question

we r getting married very soon, but im afraid to tell him about my past bc i dont want to feel vulnerable and i dont want him to think less of me. well, i grew up in an orphanage and i lived with an abusive alcoholic step father for 6 years. i also was abandoned by my father. im afraid to tell him those things since he thinks very highly of me. am a very nice person and i never let those past experiences change me, but i dont want to feel like i have lost my respect..

he thinks i had the perfect life...i dont know how he will react when he founds out my childhood was really messed up.

Answer 1

you should of said those things ages ago one
two that is not like you were a protitue you had no control over those things
Three what does he think about your parents and or childhood. you have been lieing to him all this time.
You don't want to on the first date lay that on someone but you need to let them know your history before you get engaged

Answer 2

Now how does he think you had the perfect life unless you basically told him that or at the very least failed to correct his misconceptions? So, you lied (even if it was a lie by 'failure to correct'). For me, that (the lying) would be a big concern, because if a person lies about one thing, they may lie about another. Now, with that said, I certainly don’t expect anyone to be 100% honest all the time, but there is a big difference in little white lies that have no consequences and don’t hurt anyone (like telling someone their new haircut looks good when it looks like crap) and big lies.

The things that happened in your past were not things you had any control over, so why would he think any less of you if he knew? If he does think less of you because of it, then is that really the kind of person you want to marry? I wouldn’t.

My advice--tell him. The things that happen to a person in the past DOES have an effect on them (which could be negative or positive) and likely at some point pieces of it will peek out.

Indulge me for a moment and I’ll give you an example--
I grew up with a stepfather who physically abused my mother on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the phrase, “Just look at what you made me do” (meaning, of course that it was her fault he’d beaten her). I was at a neighbor’s house once and her hubby was working on the car. He was frustrated because it wasn’t going well. Son was bugging Hubby (basically by being in the way as he was trying to work). Hubby hurt his hand (a tool slipped) and he screamed at Son, “Look at what you made me do”. I lost it, to the point that I got in this man’s face and screamed at him. Why? Because as soon as he said the words, I had an immediate flashback to my stepfather screaming those words at my mother after he’d beaten her. That shocked the h*ll out of everyone (even my own hubby who knows about my past) because I am normally very careful to control my emotions--another effect of my childhood. I learned that emotions, especially anger, MUST be controlled because if it isn't then bad things might happen.

The point again is that the things a person experiences does affect who they become (even if you think otherwise), and hubby-to-be needs to have an understanding of the woman he’s marrying.

Tell him.

Answer 3

Well personnally if i was your partner i would want to know, he may respect you more for it. Honesty is very important in a relationship, i know how you feel to a certain extent i grew up in a B&B for a couple of years after my parents broke up after that i didnt see my dad from 1 year old till i was 11 years old when my mum died. Thats when life got bad i lived wife my dad an his new wife for nearly 7 years i went through alot of physical abuse and emotional abuse. My dad abandoned me to keep his wife happy when i was 17 years old he's not spoken to me since then. I told my b/f not straight away but i thought he may find out off someone els so you are better off telling him your self. You will feel a whole lot better if you tell him as you wont have to keep inside an i understand how hurtful it can be not talking about it but you cant hide it forever, if you trust him tell if your not sure if you trust him enough yet by all means wait but if you love him you will tell him when YOU are ready dont worry.

If you want to talk about it by all means message me..... ;-)

Good luck hun

Answer 4

Listen hun, he is marrying you for the person you are today, he will not be affected by your past at all, he loves you and that is why you are both getting hitched, I think it's just all the stress of the wedding making you nervous, vulnerable and outa sorts, take a breath and remember, your past hasn't got in your way up till now and you must not let it this time niether, he will understand hun.

Anyway, I wanna send ya a big hug, I admire you hun, for going through all that and coming out of it fine, you are obviously a strong person and a good role model for anyone who is in the situation you were in years ago, it shows there is always a light somewhere in the darkness. You go girl!!

Good luck for the wedding and for the future x

Answer 5

Tell him, if he loves and respects you he'll understand why you didn't tell him sooner.
Your childhood wasn't your fault, and you should be so proud that despite having a bad start in life, you grew into a a well rounded individual.
dont let your past ruin your future, as my dear old mum would have said "the past is the past, the future is a gift that's why it's called the present".
Tell him and if he's shocked and thinks less of you, then maybe it's time to tell him to take off his rose tinted glasses and realises that not everybody lives the idealic life!

Answer 6

If he really loves you for who you are it shouldn't matter what your childhood was like. I belive it is true that what happens in your c hildhood plays a large part in who you become as an adult. However, you have obviously moved past all of that and now you want to start fresh and start your own family with the person you love the most. He deserves to know the truth about you. If he loves you at all, he will understand and it will not change his feelings.

Answer 7

I can't believe you are marring a man whom knows so little about you, Why would he think less of you ? You have overcome great odds in your life which shows great strength and character.
And the only way that you lose respect is in yourself, you can't controle what people think of you but you can let them know how you want to be treated.
Besides if the two of you truely do love each other all that is just the past and doesn't matter any way

Answer 8

I understand that you might not want to bring this up, but I don't see why it should be such a problem, you really had nothing to do with the situations you were brought up in. However, MY opinion is that you are entering into a lifelong marriage with this lucky fellow, and if you wish it to succeed, then you have to be totally honest with each other from the get go. I just can't imagine how it would have any kind of a negative impact on your relationship.

Answer 9

Geesh, do you 2 not talk about the past. Why haven't you told him this before? It's not like you are a bad person because of these things. Tell him you want to clear the air and tell him everything. He'll support you and I'm sure it won't change anything about your relationship. You are a better person because of your experiences!!

Answer 10

None of those things were your fault and of course you are a nice person,why would those things make anyone think less of you,in fact he will probably think more of you knowing what you have been through and still coming out of it as a lovely person.Please dont thinkl you dont deserve respect,because you deserve it more than a lot of people.