Q for Childfree people: Do you think that the question, "Do you have any kids?" is rude?

Question

If so, why do you think that is? Is it more or less rude than other questions like, "So, what do you do for a living?" or "Where do you live?" or "Are you married?"?

Do you think that there are *any* questions you could ask someone who you just met, not knowing them at all, that you could be sure were not possibly going to be offensive to them? How should I start a conversation, start getting to know someone, if not by trying to find out more about who they are & find common ground with them?

And, why do you think it bothers you to answer that question or explain your choice to curious people? If you're comfortable with your choice & your place in society, and if you want to raise awareness of this choice in others, wouldn't it actually benefit you to answer this?

I know it's easy to read anger into my questions, but I really am curious about it. I know I'm guilty of asking the dreaded question myself & want to understand so that I can learn & be more polite.

In my mind, I compare it to my choice, decades ago, to stop eating meat. The choice comes up conversationally all of the time - pretty much at any social gathering where food is involved & someone notices that I haven't taken any meat. I get people trying to convince me to try the meat. I get people trying to tell me I'm wrong, endangering my health (or my baby's health when I was pregnant). I get people telling me that they could never do it because they just love meat too much & telling me that I'll probably start eating it again for the same reason.

During the first few years after I made the choice, these questions & responses would make me feel self-righteous & angry. But, as I became more confident about my choice, more comfortable with my decision, it really stopped bothering me. I figured that the more I let people know about it, about how normal my meat-free life was, the more they might think that it was a possible choice for them. And, the people who got angry with me about it, became kind of amusing, really. I knew that I wasn't affecting them in any way - I couldn't figure out why they cared what I ate :D



Could it be that the childfree people who get angry about "Do you have any kids?" (and the follow up conversation, no matter what it is), are just still new to that choice in their lives & still in the self-righteous phase? Still trying to convince themselves a bit, as are the people who get angry & argue with them about it?

Just wanted to add that I have no problem with people choosing not to have children at all. I know it's not for everyone :D

And, I think that people in general are going to become more accepting of this choice if the childfree (and those of us who support them) make more of an effort to show this as a positive choice that someone could make in their life, while still being a good, friendly person contributing to society as a whole - by presenting it as a positive choice & providing information.

Answer 1

It would benefit me to make them aware that I don’t want children - True. I certainly don’t’ mind educating them. But it is pretty hard to get anyone to listen when they have decided in a spit second, any, or all of the following:

I am a waste of human life.
I am a “baby hater”.
I have no “manhood”.
I am a “male chauvinist”.
I am "less than human".
I am a "communist".
I am bisexual.
I must be a member of a "sex club".
I am a the "anti-Christ".
I have sex with animals.
I don't have a complete set of genitals.

Any childfree person can tell you that most people are tactless, and abusive when they find out we are childfree. The moment we udder the answer "I'm not havin children", they seldom give us a chance to speak at all.

Many people follow the answer with what I call “venom”. The routine goes like this:

New Person: “How many children do you have?”, or “Why are there no pictures of your kids in your cube?”, or "What school do your kids go to?".

Me: “None”, “I’d rather not have them.”, or "My dog does not go to school".

New Person: “What the hell is wrong with you?, or “Are you gay?”, “You are going to burn in Hell!”, etc.

If the inquisitor just stopped at the first question, or dispensed with the “venom” I’d be OK with it.

I can honestly say, I have been treated with such “venom” by people that don’t even know me several hundred times in my lifetime. Others may not personally attack me, but they will choose to hold it against me later. They will say something like, “I just can’t trust a man that has no children”, or "How can a man be over 40 and never have children?". Often they question my sexuality, and label me as gay.

I have even been told, “You need to give up your good paying job, and let some father who needs the money take you place!”.

I just keep my mouth shut about being “Childfree”. If anyone asks, I just change the subject. It is not worth the abuse. You might say, I am going to become "Closet Childfree".

One more note: I had someone say something like, “If you don’t stop being gay and have kids, Jesus is going to get you”. I turned around and said, “Good, while I am in Hell, I can kick all those child-molesting priests in the testicles.”. Guess who got sent to “sensitivity training”.

Answer 2

I had a friend that had chosen to not have children, ever. She was only in her early 30’s and took exception to people asking her why. I don’t think the “Do you have kids” bothered her since that is a fairly general question. I think it is when the next level of questions stems that stem off that question is when the anger occurs (why, when, your so young etc…). People with kids will often assume that people who don’t have kids don’t like them or do not want them due to lifestyle, but the realm of reasons can run from deeply psychological, purely physical, or just a plain choice in life. Regardless of the reason someone doesn’t have kids, I think the subject should be dropped at “No”. The choice is a personal one, and depending on the reasons, may be something painful to talk about, or may just annoy the person due to the constant repetition of the same question.

Answer 3

It isn't the question, "Do you have any children?" that is rude. It is the way that people who breed respond when a child-free couple answer that they neither have nor want children. Perhaps the child-free would not be so defensive if it weren't for all the mindless, ignorant harrassment and prejudice that they have to put with from their family, their friends, and breeders in general. Nothing can ruin a great life or a great relationship so easily as introducing reproduction and childrearing into the mix.

The real question is why do so many of us, blindly and without question, embrace the indoctrination that insists it is our life's mission to reproduce and add to the overpopulation of the world? One should, at least, have the right to question the mandate, to challenge those authorities that demand we breed, and to freely choose a life that benefits all without the necessity of reproduction AND without facing negative social consequences.

Answer 4

I don't think the question "do you have any kids?" is rude. And I don't by the way.. However, I do think the follow up question of "why not?" is extremely rude. And how about "so when are you and hubby gonna have a child, your not getting any younger" that really makes me mad. They don't know anything about our situation, they don't know if it's a choice to be childless or medical. But the do you have any kids, doesn't bother me, it's usually ask by a well meaning stranger that is just trying to get to know me better.

Answer 5

I'm child free and happy with it.

I give people weird looks when they ask if I have kids because I'm relatively young. The idea that I COULD conceivably have a few is still pretty foreign to me.

It's not so much rude as it is a bizzare question to start with. And lets face it, everybody's a bit touchy about certain things they have had to defend to family and friends. Heck, I'm fine with being single, until I get asked about it by someone who I don't think has any buiness asking me. (Usually ladies about my dad's age who then proceed to tell me about their very nice, young nephew, etc.)

Answer 6

No its not rude. What is rude is when they ask why you don't have any, or make jokes like "maybe your not doing it right" or "whaddya need some help"

Asking if you have kids is possibly a way of finding something in common (or to brag about in some cases)

But there are much better ways to start or have a conversation.

Answer 7

Oh, i comprehend i'm no longer marvelous. i do no longer intentionally attempt to be rude, i'd be blunt and opinionated yet do attempt to settle for others devoid of judging. I fairly have replied emotionally to different yahoo-ers on party, i'm getting aggravated whilst human beings attempt to attack the validity of my answer, i've got have been given no reason to lie and am an extremely forthright person, this has provoked irrelevant responses from me that i'm no longer pleased with, and whilst pronounced as out, I fairly have even apologized. i think of its rude to egg on different yahoo-ers who're choosing on somebody else for various perspectives, i think of asking and answering questions some particular yahoo-er is rude, and that i think of getting absurd emails from human beings attacking you to your perspectives is rude. I have been given one email some months back asserting that i glance silly and to offer up affirming particular web content (in reality telling me to alter my solutions), I replied with its my first ammendment staggering to look 'silly' if I so elect and that advance into that, that one i stumbled on a chortle I have not any subject however telling a 20 365 days previous why its no longer okay to be a cutter and tell her you haven't any longer any perception into your issues, no degree of therapeutic can happen until eventually you do, you elect help and this illness can no longer proceed in a healthful courting. i'm particular that to the guy this is rude, yet its the actuality so a good distance as my opinion and my scientific professional comprehend-how in spite of if i do no longer view this as rude whilst the question asked why do human beings have a topic with my reducing as quickly as I fairly have issues?

Answer 8

My Husband and I have decided not to have kids. We've been married 2.5years and we get a lot of heat for it. It sure is annoying when people are trying to convince us to have kids - but we got over it.

I don't hate the question, "Do you have any kids." No reason to hate it. I just say, "Nope." and then reciprocate the question.

Answer 9

That question isn't rude.

What is rude is people assuming you don't like kids. And this is the reason you have none.

Many people with kids don't bother to even consider maybe this person medically cannot have children.

Answer 10

We have no kids and I'm not offended by the question. Its a common question when "making smalltalk".