Am I wrong???

Question

I really can't take my mum anymore. I mean i love her to bits but i am slowly loosing respect for her and she really stresses me out. First of all she is with a married man and has been for years and that has made me loose a bit of respect for her, because she knows it's wrong, this same guy also made her have a breakdown and she was put into a mental hospital for a week or so for post natal depression. I have recently got a new job as a legal secretary and i am earning a decent amount of money but she always expects me to give her a couple of hundred. I don't actually live with her anymore as the house we were living in was just to small so i'v moved in with my boyfriend and his family which is luvly because we get on really well and his house is much bigger and i pay my way there. I know she's been through a lot but shes also put me and my sisters through a lot especially me because im the oldest. I could honestly go on forever but it's best to stop there.

Sorry it's so long.

There is so much more but hopefully you can help with a bit of advice with whats there.

Thanks loads x x x

I am 19 just incase you were wondering, but i am just tired of it, after everything I have worked for the only thing she can say is ''what have i done with my life''. Why can't she just be proud of me?

Thank you soo much everyone i have read your answers and you are all right, i just thougt i was always wrong for feeling this way.

Thanks again.

Answer 1

keep your distance but ensure that she knows that you still love her.

Its good to give your mum some money, a small amount because you need to save for your own life but still your mum paid for you so if she is in a place that she cant take care of herself right now, its good to give a bit.

Just remember why you love her but get a bit of control of your feelings by keeping distant but not enough for her to think thta you dont care

Answer 2

I'm not sure I get it. I mean, you are an adult, independent, with a good job. Your mother is not your responsibility and she has no obligation to you. What she does is her own affair, and if that involves screwing up her life, so be it. You cannot do anything, and you shouldn't be making your own self sick over it. The way you're obscessing about the whole thing is going to land YOU in the funny farm if you don't knock it off.

You have to get it through your head that her being your mother doesn't alter the fact that you and she are two separate individuals. You have your life, she has hers, and if you are prepared to throw yours away worrying over what she is doing to hers, you're both going down the drain. Is that what you want? Will you somehow feel better if you and she both end up wrecked? You don't choose who you get for parents, and sometimes the one you get happens to be one of those people who are very self- destructive. You know well enough by now that your mother is not going to suddenly get a lightbulb moment, see the folly of her ways and become a changed person. I am sure you have heard that very well known, and very wise saying........ Change the things you can, accept the things you cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. I think it is time that you recognised that you mother and her messed up life is one of the things you cannot change. Accept that, and work even harder and more diligently on your own life to make sure that you do not follow her down this road to destruction.

Answer 3

I don't think you are wrong in feeling this way about your mom, she probably has a low self esteem about herself and that's probably why she hasn't been able to free herself from that married man. Maybe she's had some bad luck in the past with men and this one seems to be the only one who's stuck around for obvious reasons. Still I totally see your point and how you've lost respect for your mom, however distancing yourself from her won't make the problems go away. I'm sure you've tried talking to her about it and it probably seems useless at this point, but the last thing you should do is give up on her. Seems to me that she only has you and your sister and you both are her daughters and so if you care you'd figure out a way to still have a relationship with her. She's your mom!!!!

Answer 4

It's easy to loose respect for a parent who depends on you too much. I've always wanted the kind of mother who was strong, spunky and radiated feminine power. I wanted her to find her talents and be so well accomplished that she'd be a hard act to follow. I wanted to say to myself "Wow, she's done so much in this world and means so much to people and she's MY MOM! Amazing. How blessed I am to have this woman pave the way before me. I don't know that I can live up to all that she has done, so I'll just do my own thing." I spent an awful lot of energy trying to push her in front of me so she could lead, and pretending to be less because I wanted her to be more. It's been a slow acceptance of what really is and who I am- I am the leader. I have led from behind for a long time. I am the leader of my whole family. I am so sorry that your mom isn't the leader. It's very painful, isn't it? Learning to say "no" is as difficult as overcoming the guilt a child has for exceeding their parent's wealth, their strength, their ability. As difficult as it is, you're going to have to learn to overcome how you thought it was supposed to be and encourage your sisters in the same direction. It's a blessing that you can not only learn from your own mistakes, but from someone else's. You have an opportunity to learn to be a stronger woman who chooses an excellent man for herself and can stand on her own financially. Build yourself, set boundaries for her while loving her all the time and hopefully you'll have enough for yourself and her when she really needs you.

Answer 5

You only have one mother and it's sad when you lose respect for her. You are not wrong. You have moved out and have a job. You don't have to give her any money. I would never tell someone to disrespect their mother, so you have to find the best way to tell her "I'm sorry but I'm not giving you any money." Make sure she knows you love her and always will. You have to live your own life. Just like your mother it's the only life you are gonna get so live it to it's fullest. Try not to distance yourself too much from her. You are her first baby. Now about the married man. I would tell her how you fell about that. I'm sure you already have but keep on her about it. Tell her you won't come near the house as long as he's there. Tell her you don't want to hear about him. If he does something to her hold your mom and say "Now is this worth it". Tell her you are going to tell his wife. Maybe she'll stop seeing him if you threaten her with his wife.

Answer 6

Well in the end its really down to you, but if it was me in this situation, i'd have to tell her to get her act together cause you can't and wont be here for her, if she wants to live her life in that way then she will be doing it alone.

You've gotta live your life, you mum has had her go at life and is chosing to spoil the end of it, you have tried and now your battering your head off a brick wall, so in the end you have gotta move on with your life otherwise you may end up in the mental hospital with her the next time.

I've had a similar situation with my dad only its drink and a woman, and have hardly spoken to him, and the last time we met up it ended in disaster as he still thinks he's the adult and i'm a child, when in reality he's probably the one acting like a child and not listening to reason from anyone, not just me. But now that i'm not talking to him it's like a load of my mind, maybe its selfish, but i have my own family to think of now.

Al....

Answer 7

First, she has no right to ask you for money!

Second, she is a grown woman who chose to be with a married man. She needs to find some self-respect, look after her children, and find a job.

The more you give in to her, the worse she will become, and that goes to your sisters. She is thinking totally of herself, a bad trait in a mother, so no, you are not wrong. Don't allow her to drag you down. You have a right to your own life.

Answer 8

Clearly, your mother has a lot of problems. They're not yours.

Don't let her negative opinions hurt you. She's tearing you down to build herself up, very sad indeed.

Let her know that for the next 6 months you'll give her $100 a month, but after that she'll need to make ends meet on her own, or downsize.

That's more than fair.

Answer 9

Your mother is a big girl. She doesn't sound too stable though. Stop giving her money. Let her boyfriend give it to her. Don't think you can change her life or feel like you are giving up on her. She chose the people in her life and she chose this way to live her life, no one else did. A mother shouldn't depend on her child for emotional support due to a relationship with a married man nor should she depend on her child for monetary support. Explain all of this to her. If she gets angry wash your hands of the whole mess.

Answer 10

If you are no longer living at home with your mother, you should not be expected to contribute to the household expenses. As long as you are contributing to the family where you now live that is okay. You must not get bogged down with your Mother's insecurities and worries. She is an adult and must look after herself. You need to concentrate on you and your life.