Should we get married quick and comprimise what we want for speed so an elderly relative will be there?

Question

My fiancees grandfather is 93, and talks openly about how he is old and expects to die fairly soon.
We have begun to plan our wedding, and are saving to pay ourselves, however Gramp has offered us a little bit of money to help because he wants to be at the wedding, and is worried if we have to save too long he may pass away before the big day.
The earlier we get married, the less money we will have saved to have everything we dreamed of. But if we leave it longer, save more, it may be too late for Gramp.

Of course we want him there, but a wedding is a one-off and should be so special and everything we ever wanted.

Its a toughy, I hate to talk or think about his dying, but he is very realistic and only wants to see us settled down and happy, which I can fully understand.
Your opinions please?

Thanks - I agree its best to have him there, and hadnt considered that we can have further celebrations, and who knows he may be there for some of them.
Thank you - you lot are a great sounding board - except for the "forget the old" kid - you can eat one.

Answer 1

It's your fiance's grandfather. When people are that old, there's no telling when they will pass. I wished with all my heart that my grandfather could have seen my sister's wedding.

A wedding day isn't as important as a married life. You can always have another ceremony, but you can never get a life back once it's gone.

Answer 2

It all comes down to the closeness of the person to you both. I understand your position as my father is 89, my younger daughter married in July and she would have been so upset if he hadn't made it or anything happed to him. He was actually rushed to hospital day after wedding and came through it. However, in saying all this it must be what you both want. I love my dad dearly but it seems like for the last 30 years he has been saying something similar as in "I can't last for ever, I've had my life". Also when he buys a carpet fridge whatever is always the last he'll need. I've came to realise that sometimes what old people say is not always a 100% what they mean. Perhaps you don't agree but my dad and your fiancees grandfather have had their lives (must admit my dad always says that) and it seems not right to deprive you of your dreams. Can you not try making it a little jovial by saying things like "Come on you wouldn't dare die before our wedding". Also convince him you are both so much in love and are very happy and the settling down will fall in to place when you are ready. You probably also do not wish to take his money whether or not if would give you the dream wedding you want. If it would then you should go for it, providing the remainder of the family don't object. If it's just a little to help you on your way you have got to truthfully ask yourself to weigh up if it would annoy you more feeling guilty that you didn't marry sooner for gramp's sake or would you regret forever more not having the dream wedding you planned?

Answer 3

I am kind of in the same situation. I really want my grandfather to be at my wedding, and I don't really think I can wait until the date we originally planned. We are seriously going to cut things back to try and get married earlier. We are thinking of maybe not having a full reception, but maybe like punch, cake, and snacks after. No dancing, no big hall, no big hoopla. Just the church ceremony is going to cost at least $1500, so the reception is what we are planning on cutting. The actual marriage is more important than the party after.

We were thinking of having a big 1st anniversary party since we will have more money then. We plan on putting off our honeymoon since the timing will be off with starting a new job and can't take that time off work, but that isn't what matters. What matters is the actual wedding ceremony and having those that mean the most to us there to share in that moment.

I think you should have the wedding ASAP. At that age, living is day by day. There is no guarantees

Answer 4

i think you should go ahead. Im kinda in the same situation, no elderly relative but we really just want to get it done.One thing a very influential person im my life has always told me is " never forsake the precious for the pressing" Sure you might not have everything u guys dreamt of right off the bat but just think of how much more special and fun it would be building and achieving those things together as husband and wife. And looking back at the day you will find some kind of comfort knowing that Gramp was there when it all began. I say go for it!

Answer 5

When I first got married my grandad was there and you could see the pride and joy that he felt.
Later in life things went wrong and when i got married again both my grandad and my dad had gone to a better place.
It is always in my mind that they did not live to see my children and i feel sad because of the memories that they both missed
You can only follow your heart,a wedding day is made by the couple who are getting married and all the family and friends that turn up to celebrate the day.Take the offer and remember that family is everything and you are starting a new one,let gramps see you wed and rejoice in the fact that he was there,you do not get a lot of grandparents,make the most of it while you can.
Best wishes for the future,andy a and family

Answer 6

I would go ahead and do it. Maybe just take a dream honeymoon later. You'd be amazed at all the sources there are to make a wedding absolutely beautiful on a smaller budget. I know you said since a wedding is a one-time thing, it should be perfect. But really, it's only one day. You're not going to like this, but think of it this way. If you wait to get married to have the perfect ceremony, later in life, when your husband looks back on his wedding day, is he going to remember how pretty the flowers were or what your dress looked like? Most men don't remember that stuff at all. My husband has no idea what our wedding song was, and we've only been married 4.5 years. He doesn't even remember who his groomsmen were. Your husband will not remember the flowers, etc., he'll remember "I really wish my grandfather could have been there." Grandpa should be priority here. Trust me, my grandfather died less than a year before our wedding (a few weeks before we got engaged). Our wedding was gorgeous, and people still brought it up to our parents a year later, literally, and how much fun they had, the food, the place, blah blah blah. Yeah, it was pretty, but my grandfather didn't get to see me get married and I didn't get to give him a kiss on the cheek and a hug on that day. There was a picture of him, my deceased grandmother who passed on when I was three, and my husband's deceased grandparents at the altar. All I thought about was how much I wished they were there and how I wished I had met my husband's grandparents. Grandpa gets priority in this one.

Answer 7

from experience i would have to say NO don't push the river. my youngest son married a year b4 their planned date for the same reason - it only lasted 7 months -he's only 22 and divorced - they really needed the time to work out things in their relationship-which most likely would have come to pass if they waited. and the person whom they had married early for passed away 6 weeks after wedding. as far as Granpa - maybe a very small mock ceremony so Gramps can see it all happen-but this is YOUR very special day and your LIFE, whatever you choose to do it will be you and your husband to be , don't mean to sound mean just real Gramps will die and you guys have to go on. Try to come to some compromise. like i said maybe the mock thing to help Gramps and them down the road - once you've saved what you guys have in mind do the big bash. if Gramps is gone have a pic of him there-sounds like he would like that. good luck

Answer 8

Your wedding and the meaning behind it is sooo much more than nice toasting glasses or a room with a view... its about a union of two lives. If you believe the same to be true, then it will not matter if you have a $30,000 wedding or a simple exchange of vows in your parents' living room. Your grandfather wants to be there because he wants to witness this wonderful miracle. Yes, you will only be married once, and you want this to be "perfect", but let me tell you, if he is "the one" then nothing in the world could make it anything less than perfect.

Enlist your family and friends to help out, not necessarily with their money, but with their hands. I had an amazing wedding (one year ago in October!) for just a couple thousand dollars, and to tell the truth... given the chance to re-do it all with a bigger spending budget, I wouldnt... it meant so much to bond with family and to discover how much friends really care about you. One friend made all the centerpieces, another helped me shop, a cousin took all the wonderful pictures, a woman I barely even knew jumped in and made all of my flower bouquets! If I had more money, I might have hired people and missed out on all the warm and fuzzies.

Your wedding will be all about you and your hubby-to-be, but at the same time, it will also be about family and friends and love, and the celebration of the joining of two families. How can that ever be any less than perfect?

Best wishes!!

Answer 9

It's your wedding - you decide. I would opt to have him there and maybe scale back in some areas as a compromise. When I think back on weddings I've been to I remember the setting and the fun factor. Not necessarily the food, the cake, the flowers, just the setting and the fun. It's only one day out of your life; and although it's an important day it is going to be done in the blink of an eye. The days you'll remember most are all the moments in between and the life you build after...

Answer 10

Well from my personal experience my husband and I tried to do something similiar, and my grandpa didnt show. It's a long story, and it crushed me. So while I know you are having the best intentions, you could plan and so all these other things and he could still end up not being there for one reason or another. Sit down with your fiance, think about it, and decide what you really, really want. While you could have other celebrations later, I doubt you will (my husband and I said the same thing and it's becoming clear it will not happen). You can never recreate your wedding day, so make sure it's what YOU want.

Answer 11

Those big one day parties, that nobody but women want to get all dressed up for, are an expensive headache for everyone from the gitgo. What a waste of money. Who cares if all those one-time pastel dresses match? If you're taking more than one month to put the show together, you're in love with yourself and headaches.

It would be far bigger of you to give your grandfather a wonderful day with all his family together, maybe in a back yard, than for you to plan for a year, then one day, parade around like a stuffed peacock, over your grandfather's grave, then pay on the bill for the next 10 years.

Get moving fast, he can't hold his breath forever while you select colors and fabrics and flowers. Give him a very important role, a new suit, and the best seat in the house..