i was sexually abused growing up so i never looked at sex like a big deal cos to me it wasnt..it was just this dirty thing..i didnt connect it with love. now im happy with my bf but i always say we f*ck..i never think of it as 'makeing love' cos making love to me doesnt exist. he excepts this but because i dont see sex as being a big deal i go to swinger clubs with him and have even said he can sleep with another woman while im on my period so he can be satisfied...when i think about this part of me says to myself 'what the hell are you doing? are you really ok with him sleeping with another girl? what if he likes her better and leaves you?'. im so messed up in the head..i love him so much and im trying to do what i think is right to keep him happy (like when i let him give it me up the @r$e even though i dont like it) but part of it feels wrong. i know alot of this has to do with my past..i just wish i could see sex like other people..a special love shared between 2 people
2007-09-12 23:12:10 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
i know where you're coming from personal experience. first of all, i'm sorry that this disgusting thing has happened to you as well. i think we learn to cope with it...in different ways...and we're forced to even though we don't know how to, because we know we can't change the past. but the thing is that we need to make sure that our mechanism for coping with it does not lead to our self-destruction.
you should take everyone's advice and try to go find someone to talk to about this. honestly, your perspective on this relationship is so much more different from what everyone else is saying because most of them haven't been through what you've been through.
i have a lot of trust issues. i used to cringe when people would just tap me on the shoulder--even with people i knew and loved. i still get irritated when friends speak of the "L" word. my social skills are barely developing and i've just been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
...and out of all these things that were "wrong" in my life, i think i've finally realized that the "right" thing to do..for me...is to go see someone about it. it's okay to get professional help sometimes...even though society might not think so.
just like how they think that anorexia=sexy and money=happy....really. who are the crazy ones?!
p.s. for everyone who hasn't been where she's been and still insist on posting rude comments about HER lifestyle--i'd like to see the look on your faces when you find out that your child or little sister has been molested...
2007-09-12 23:47:07 · answer #1 · answered by Iphgeniea 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your perspective is skewed by your past experiences; sadly this is an all-too-common result for folks who have gone through the types of things you have. I am sorry this happened to you. But even taking all of your past abuses into account, something inside of you realizes that sending your man off to be with other women is not an effective way to "keep him", but an unwarranted riskiness that may in effect push him away. I can agree with you that your point of view is outside the normal scope of people raised with healthier experiences, but I reject the notion that you are "messed up in the head"(and you should, too). You have developed exactly the way someone would who has gone through what you've been through....these are called "defense mechanisms" and they were insights developed to offer you some measure of protection when there wasn't any help forthcoming from other sources. How can you develop a healthier perspective? I think therapy could help you find the answers you are seeking (though it is often a slow process) and I urge you to explore that option. In the meantime, don't engage in any sexual behaviors you don't personally enjoy; you are not a receptacle. Sometimes the best way to achieve "change" is to behave as if the change has already occurred until this new reality becomes second nature. My sincerest best wishes to you for your healthy recovery.
2007-09-12 23:35:35 · answer #2 · answered by Captain S 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are you and you should listen to your inner feelings and learn to trust what is comfortable for you. I know from experience of being abused sexually that this is a very difficult thing to do. Something a counsellor trained in this field could help you with. Sex is supposed to be fun and nice and healthy for you not mind boggling and confusing so go with what feels right for you love the skin you are in honey. As for making love thats what you do when you love some one and it happens naturally. So I would suggest to you that you probably dont love him? Just a thought? I took therapy because of my past. Best thing I ever did. I know this much I enjoy sex and feel good about it now where as before I felt obliged and felt as if I was acting in a porn movie that I was not in the room mentally just physically so I can now be there completely and know I am ok to enjoy it completely whether I am making love or I am just facking someone. Just be true to yourself trust your instincts and if its all too confusing go to a counsellor. In the U.k there is a place called survive that is for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Maybe you would find this of help.Anyway good luck on your journey.
2007-09-13 00:19:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
d/natstar
I do not agree with most of the answers. Trust me almost all have undergone some sort of sex abuse and it will keep happening. But you are out of it as u hv confessed that u are ok and love to do it with ur bf. Now leave this relationship without any improvement and be on the look out for a better comitment and a better guy. So my advice is that since u crossed over the major hurdle of this abuse scar-- now get into a better relationship and tone down ur words of ****; stop this swingers outing; dont tell he can sleep with other girls and put on an act of being a normal and good girl as men like this acting and those who are true to themselves get branded only for sex, one night stand or to fit in gaps when needed. best wishes
2007-09-13 00:36:10 · answer #4 · answered by TROUBLESHOOTERKILLROY 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your not weird!!
Sense I was 16 to now 33 Ive had over 15 steady girlfriends at different times and have dated over 100 girls. This isn't bragging,I was just trying to find the right girl for me, which I believe I have.
Anyways out of all these women I met girls with out your history that are like you, even in to more kinky stuff than that. Most of my married friends are all swingers and there wives are the ones that bring home another girl.
You might think your weird because most woman and especially married people aren't going to tell you this stuff.
I couldn't tell you on here the surprises Ive had from woman, and they'er bag of toys and thing they want done to them or to do to me.lol
Making love is really no different than sex, what makes it different is that you care about the person, you make eye contact and you feel a connection with this person, and afterwords, you hold each other or talk, laugh, smile, be playful...that's it.
So your far from weird you just see sex like most mature people, Don't get all wrapped up in sexuality, it just some thing we do to feel good, or to show connection, or to make a baby.
Good Luck, sorry to here about your past, it just made you grow up alot faster than you should have. I Hope you told some one so that he cant ever do that to anyone else.
Enjoy life, its here to live.
2007-09-12 23:40:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Being sexually abused is bound to have an impact on your later sex life and I hope your boyfriend understands that. However, from what you have said, it sounds as though you are trying to act like it hasn't had as much impact on you as it clearly has! The fact that you were abused isn't going to make you more comfortable around sex, it will make you less comfortable and the only way you can go towards fixing that is by talking. First to your boyfriend, and maybe to a counsellor as well. I would also recommend you slow down and stop having sex for a while.... you need some time to recover and heal... you need some TLC, not sex!
You obviously aren't happy with the way things are and if your boyfriend is any kind of man, he probably isn't either. It will take time for things to be resolved and your mind to clear but nothing will happen unless you discuss it!
Going to swingers clubs and suggesting your boyfriend has sex with other people is never going to make you or him happy... it makes you feel cheap and it probably makes him loose a lot of the respect he has for you. Most men have to either put up with their women being on their period, or satisfy themselves... don't feel that you owe him any more than that... there are also other ways you can please him without having penatrative sex if YOU want to during your period... that has to be your choice though not because you feel you owe him!
If he loves you, and from what you have said I have no reason to doubt he does (although if he is actually sleeping with other women when you tell him to then he probably isn't the right one for you), he is probably busy trying to make you happy and not realising that the things he is doing is actually making you feel worse...
2007-09-12 23:15:25 · answer #6 · answered by Lauren 5 · 2⤊ 3⤋
I really think you should go for counselling, because at this rate you will never be happy in any relationship. sex is an important part of married life or between a couple if you arent married and i am not saying you have to be at it everyday but sexual problems can have a deep impact on the relationship
suggest not to seek answers on this website, you truly need to go and see counseller who will help you through your abuse issues and in good time you will see things differently.
in the meantime remember not to be too hard on yourself and have lot of self respect
good luck
2007-09-13 02:02:11 · answer #7 · answered by GorGeous_Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im sorry you had such a bad experience.
I think you should only do what makes you happy, dont do things just to please your boyf because I doubt this will make him stay around in the long run.
I would never do anything that I wasnt happy about doing, I'd never ever let my partner sleep with anyone else (i'd chop 'it' off if he did) if he cant deal with not having s*x for a week he can take a run and jump!
You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else
Good luck
xx
2007-09-12 23:19:20 · answer #8 · answered by Katie 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was sexually abused when I was 8, then again when I was 14.
I don't think of sex with my partner as making love either, I think of it as fvcking.Yes it more than likely is something to do with your past.
I never ever thought about it being strange that I don't think of sex with my parnter as making love, until I read this!
I'd say see a counsellor, I have seen a counsellor, and it has helped me a lot.You can't keep telling your man to sleep with other women just because your on your period, that's not fair, and if he does it, then that's not fair either!
Does your man know about the abuse?Talk to him about it,it helps, he might understand a bit more, and not sleep with the other woman.
See a counsellor mate, it will help you come to terms with things.
Take care xox
2007-09-12 23:19:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Cant you see that he is taking full advantage of the situation, he finds f*cking you a really selfish way i=of pleasing him self with out putting any effort into trying to make satisfied, I mean it must be a very 'wam bam thankyou maam' and then sh*gging around when your on will just 'put into stone' those feelings he has for you, my best advise to you if you want to take it is , leave him and when you find someone else start from scratch with the way your relationship will run (hopefully), like show your new man how you would like to be touched and what really turns you on and what makes you come 'oral' is a good one and find someone who likes to cuddle a lot. That is about it, just good luck and please find someone that is like a good friend and also your relationship would not have to be based on sex, either!
2007-09-12 23:29:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋