I'm getting married in a year and I've been planning and taking my time planning it and just enjoying the experience with my fiancie. Well my mom any time I make a desision she goes behind my back and change it. Like I wanted a dark blue/white theme, but she turned it into black/white. Every time she changes a singel thing it makes me mad at her to the point I can't stand to be around her any more... I know she just wants me to have a perfect wedding but we're paying for it and it's costing us money to keep changing it. She even called the catter and changed the menue, I just left that alone because I admitt what she picked out was better and less expensive. I'm tired of this, my fiancie is tired of breaking up arguements between us, and so am I. We didn't even argue this much back when I went through my "bad girl" faze!!! I'm tired of this!! When I was at the alter trying to pick a preist she through a fit when she didn't like the speach he gave and I hired him anyways. She tried to
2007-09-12 14:50:38 · 16 answers · asked by Jess 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
to fire him!!! which was funny in it's self but was worng! help!!! Did any of your mom's act this way when you got married?
2007-09-12 14:51:51 · update #1
i have the same problem with my mother. she tried to take over my engagement party. so then i refused to have one.
she looked at my wedding list, started crossing people off that she didnt want to attend. she told me my nan was upset and that my pop would be rolling in his grave if he knew that i was getting married in a catholic church. all which i have since found out are lies. like you my fiance and i are paying for the wedding ourselves so really she has no right in telling me what to do. I've found with dealing with my mother the easiest thing to do was to give her jobs to do. like getting quotes from caterers (not booking tho!!) and for our cake and to help make invitations. this made her feel important and she started to back off and leave us alone to plan things for ourselves.
2007-09-12 17:17:02 · answer #1 · answered by marlie07 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear you are having problems with your mom. Communication is crucial here. You really need to sit down with mom and ask her WHY. Why are you changing my food, my colors, my...anything. If she has no reason then definetly put the foot down. I know that my mom pretty much stayed out of my way in my wedding prep , I would have loved to have had more help. As it was the best she did was host the reception and bought the cake. Which was great seeing I was on a shoe string budget. So first establish communication, find the problem and as best as possible solve it. If you are paying for everything then mom should not be changing anything and the businesses that you have contracted with should not change anything that has not been autorized by you. Should these suggestions fail? A second thought would be to not include mom in the plans and to tell your business contacts that no changes will be made by any other persons other than you and only designated persons that you have been specific about. Like your fiance' can be designated to call in your place to make a change or return a call and make a decision in your place. Hope this helps.
2007-09-12 22:07:12 · answer #2 · answered by Nan 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You can't involve someone as a hostess, with a hostess's responbilities, and not also confer that person some amount of decsion making power. So ax your mom in that hostess role.
Treat her like any other guest. Invite her. Period.
Handle everything on your own and don't share the information with mom. All she needs to know is what color dress to buy and a few dates and times. Tell your vendors to verify any changes in the orders with you, personally, before executing such changes. Keep her in the dark. It will be a lot more work for you (smaller wedding maybe?), but it will drive HER crazy. :D
It would be very gracious to issue the invitation in your parents' names no matter how much they aren't paying for your wedding.
2007-09-12 22:07:51 · answer #3 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your mother has a lot of chutzpah! She completely lacks the authority to make these changes. Before even attempting to talk with her about this, I would call up all your vendors. Speak to the manager or person in changer, not just an employee. Explain to them what your mother is trying to do. Tell them that only you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, and that only you and your fiance have the authority to make changes. Tell each one that if your mother attempts to make a change, they are not authorized to make it. Follow that up with a letter to that effect. Change everything back the way you had it.
Now, is your father in the picture, or a step father? Is he on your side re. what your mother is doing? If so, you, your fiance and your (step)father should sit down with your mother. (Or just you two with her if your father is not in the picture.) CALMLY explain that it's inappropriate for her to go behind your back and make the changes. Do not yell or lose your cool. Do not plead with her. Maybe she'll see the light, but don't count on it. If she doesn't, I wouldn't even bother telling her you changed everything back and told the vendors not to allow her changes. She'll find out when if she tries. Also, if she thinks it's her colors and menu, maybe she won't try to change things again. She'll find out it's YOUR colors and menu at the wedding.
Your story makes me appreciate my mom. After insisting only on a rabbi and a prenup, she basically just wants me to tell her when to show up for the wedding. :-)
2007-09-12 22:11:14 · answer #4 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Who are these vendors you're dealing with that let someone else make changes? You say you are paying for the wedding. If that's the case, YOU are the person authorized to make selections/changes. No one else. Not mom, not dad. You need to contact your vendors, give them your selections and make it clear to them that they are not to accept any changes from anyone but you and your fiance. Then, to handle your mother, tell her that you appreciate her input, but you have made the decisions that will fulfill your vision of a perfect wedding and ask her to respect your choices.
2007-09-13 21:08:11 · answer #5 · answered by ds37x 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm having probs with my mom as well. Different than yours, but it seems our moms are trying to make it THEIR wedding, and not OURS as it should be. I'd almost say since YOU are paying for the wedding, YOU make the decisions, and don't tell your Mom. As much as you'd like her to be a part of it all, tell her you like her input, but you are in charge here, not her. You are an adult, so stand up for yourself :) (and I hate it when ppl say go elope- it frustrates me! When you want your perfect wedding, yet something/someone has to interfere, so they say to go elope...no way!) Don't tell your Mom which florist you went to, don't tell her which caterer you chose (sounds like she already knows a lot of these)... but this way she can't call them to change it- and i like what the 1st person said- you need to tell each place that YOU are in charge, and nobody else is to make any changes! This way you don't have to pay extra to change it back! Allow your Mom to give input, but dont' let her be in charge.
My mom mentioned it's HER checkbook, so she's in charge (meaning she wants to take over everything and make it her wedding), well, we had to inform her that we would be more than willing to set our date back and pay for it all ourselves if that were the case. This seemed to help a bit. I stand firm on what I really want, let her help a little, but on things I really want (and I find great deals,s o that's no prob) I stick to it.
good luck! And hope you get your dream wedding the way you want it!
2007-09-13 00:17:10 · answer #6 · answered by m930 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you need to do is explain to your mom and let her know it is disrespectful to change the wedding you and your fiance have set up.
When you make arrangments (Catter for example) you tell them "NO one is to change anything BUT you and your fiance". It is unprofessional for them to change a menue with your YOUR permission!
Same with your theme. Keep it the same and not allow her to have any duties until she knows how clear you are about what you and him want. NOT what she wants. Especially if she isn't forking out a dime for it nor is she going to have the memories of a wedding that is hers, since it isn't her's.
My mom likes to make decisions and then says "so and so". I tell her like it is. It is rude and extremly disrespectful. I am having a renewal in Feb and she was trying to invite people, who I barley know or don't talk to and try to make invites to send to people. It is my husband's and I decisions. Not hers. Great to have an input but not a bossy mother.
2007-09-12 23:20:50 · answer #7 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Okay first change everything back to the way YOU want it and tell your mom to quit making the changes. Tell her she has no right to do this. This is your wedding and you chose what goes in it. If your mom makes another change, change it back and then call all the people up and say "If my mom calls and tries to change what I ordered, don't change it." If you are paying for it, you have a say in it. If your mom persists, I suggest you stop telling her your wedding plans. Good Luck and Congrats.
~Taylor
2007-09-12 21:59:13 · answer #8 · answered by Jasmine 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No, my mom was totally wonderful - she was our best supporter, wonderful planner, with endless patience.
How in the world could she change your colours? You had to be the one choosing the bridesmaid dresses, buying the decorations, etc. She can't have changed the menu with the caterer if you didn't want it, because YOU should be the contact person, with your names on the contract - you and your bf.
Time for you to grow up and be a mature woman.
2007-09-13 10:32:52 · answer #9 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, there's a very simple solution to this! Stop including her in the plans! If you don't like her behavior, stop enabling her to act that way! Stop telling her where things are, the names of the vendors, and your choices! Stop taking her with you to visit priests, etc.
Second, if you have a contract with the caterer that you signed, it is illegal for him to change things in it for someone other than you . That is a breach of contract!
How exactly can she change your wedding colors? Did you order dresses in one color & then she went to the bridal shop and changed the order? That's breach of contract too.
With all due respect, it doesn't sound like you mind her behavior too much, or you would already have put a stop to it.
2007-09-12 23:41:44 · answer #10 · answered by valschmal 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋