Help! Family & Deployment Pressure!?

Question

My husband will be deploying for Baghdad sometime between November and December. The situation is that my father and step-mother are pressuring me to come out and visit them.

The holidays are basically out the window now as we can't be sure what day specifically he will deploy (the military changes dates a lot and can't be reliable). So I mentioned to dad about coming out in the next month before he leaves,with the new baby. He said he doesn't want to see the baby and wants me to bring my older daughter but he is so small I can't leave him with dad even. I have two babies (18 month old daughter, and 4 month old son) and it is impossible for me to fly there alone with them both. I explained all that to him and he acted weird. Truth be told, I want to get the visit out of the way because once my husband deploys I won't be able to fly and I can't understand why it's so hard for them to hop on a plane and come see us. My step-mom is a trouble maker but I ignore it, so what to do???????

Answer 1

First of all, I think your father or whoever, should be aware of the pressures of military life. It is not easy to be bounced around and to not know for sure about assignments or dates. If your father is unwilling to understand that, then he isn't much of a grandfather and doesn't much care about you.

I don't want to be negative to you or tell you that your dad is bad etc. But I can't understand firstly, why he would expect you to take your children when they are so little and won't do well traveling. Trust me, any child under 3 years old is a big challenge to fly with and having two is just impossible. Even if a friend is with you, count on crying kids the whole time.

I think that your family is being selfish and thoughtless about your situation. Not only will the flight be a nightmare, even with ONE, you will have to pack the nursery and once you get there, your baby might freak out because he is in a unfamiliar place.

I also think its so weird that your father doesn't want to see your son! What is that supposed to mean anyhow? I think most grandfathers would be nuts to see their grandson it just sends out a weird feeling. As a mother, I would be really leery and would just make some excuses to him when he calls and act like you are too busy this or that.

But first before making stories about your 'busyness' you should tell him straigh forwardly that it can't work flying with both babies. Tell him you don't feel right about leaving the newborn behind and wouldn't be able to sleep without him by your side. (By the way, the person who said to trust dad is totally wrong, its not about trust or lack of, its about a mother's bond with her newborn. Some mothers aren't ready to separate from their newborns and that is very normal.)

Explain that it won't work any other way and also tell him clearly that you are not going to buy a ticket to go there if they are just going to pout all weekend about your daughter not being there, etc. Just say outright that you don't want to waste your time if they are going to be in moods. I understand that you probably were thinking to get the visit 'out of the way' while your husband is gone, but it won't work like this with family members who are that unreasonable.

Answer 2

I am a military wife and a military mother. My husband spent 14 months in Iraq. It will be hard enough on you getting ready for your husbands deployment. There are so many things to take care of. Like I said, been there, done that. I wouldn't try to fly with the 2 children unless I had help. Also, if you do go, would your husband go??? You do not want to take any time away from him. Also, something to think about is the cost of the holidays that are approaching. These are never cheap for anyone but especially if you have children to buy for. It would be easier for your dad to come and visit you. You should really think about this because you are coming into a really stressful time. Good Luck and God Bless and a thank you to your husband for his service to our country.

Answer 3

Being a Navy wife I kind of understand what you're going through with getting ready for deployment and the frustration over schedule changes. Hey, I'm dealing with a schedule written in warm jello right now and it's not fun.

Understanding that I'd say the best you can do is talk with your husband. You two decide what *you* want to do with what time he has left before he leaves. If you both think visiting your family is important then offer to make the trip. Do it in straitforward language and make sure your dad knows this is it, all of us or nothing. Don't worry if he acts weird. All he has to do is decide if he wants to see you all or not.

If you decide that you want to spend the time with DH at home and make the visit later it is possible. As was already said it takes planning and you have to be willing to accept help from strangers on the way. It's not easy but it can be done...if you want to.

But don't feel bad if you end up telling him that if he wants to see you he'll have to come to you, either. It's a viable option and a lot easier to plan for.

Whatever you decide just tell your dad what the final options are up front and then don't let him guilt trip you into reconsidering. I know my family (including the in-laws) aren't always thrilled about our travel plans and the amount of time we get to spend with them. But they also know that we're doing the best we can working with the situations that come up.

Answer 4

Why doesn't he want to see the new baby? He sounds a little demanding. Just be honest and let it be know it is just to much on you at this time to be worried about traveling away while the youngest is left behind, as well as the concern you carry knowing your husband will be leaving soon. Look at it this way...you are a military wife and don't have to answer to anyone other than the military. My brother in-law was military (now retired) and we hardly ever saw him, his wife, or children. His mom & dad always went to their home for the holidays when invited. That's just the way it is and we are very proud of him for serving our country with such loyality. Thank you for be there supporting your husband. God Bless!

Answer 5

Stay put.
You don't need the stress.
Tell him that you will not/can not leave an infant behind to travel across the country to be with him.
If he wants to see you, he can travel to see you a lot easier than you can travel to him with 2 kids in tow.
This is a two-way street.

The step-mother isn't a problem if you don't allow her to be one.

Answer 6

One, you can fly with two children if you prepare, prepare, prepare. Do not listen to people who say to give your children Benadryl to make them sleep. It's dangerous doing that and kids have died from it. Also, some kids Benadryl can actually make them hyper, not sleepy.

You can prepare by getting a snuggly wrape to carry the baby to the plane in, that leaves your hands free. You can have the airlines provide a carset for in the plane, if you do not want to have to carry your own. The snuggly is one of those cloth wraps and are very calming for small children and they'll usually sleep while wraped liek that. If they don't, you have them right there where you can nurse in public without showing anything, or bottle feed. The 18 month old will be your hard one. If you are not able to get her to obey you, to follow directions now, then it is a problem. But if you have rules she's already learned, such as bedtime is bedtime. She'll do okay. What you do for her is a few days before the plane trip, you buy her one special toy, a small one you know she'll really really like, something that can be played with in a seat. Then you make a tiny little backback she'll pull on her back. Inside there you put the toy and wash her favorite blanket. You tell her, the blanket and the toy are only to be opened once the plane is up in the air. You talk it up like it's something wonderful. Take a treat on the plane for her in your carry-on not hers that isin't sugary. Something like cheese sticks. Don't give her that treat for a week before. Do not tell her she'll get it ont he plane either. You are saving this as your item to calm her down if she does get stressed and crying or acting up ont he plane. Remember, she's just 18 months. So you have to expect some acting up. Making sure you are packed two days ahead of time, so there is nothing you'll have to pack, will make the day you get on the plane less stressful. You talk up the vacation. You say things like, "You get to go on your very first plane ride with Mommy. The airport will be very busy, you might get tired waiting in line, but you can sleep once we are on the plane if you want to. Believe me 18 month olds know and understand a lot of what you say, they just can't tell you with their worlds. Watch her face as you talk to her about the plane. Read a special story to her about going on a plane ride. Buy two books that you know will excit her, have these in her special backpack. You want new things to hold her interest, even if you just barrow two books from a friend that she doesn't have and hasn't seem before. If she likes kids songs, tape a CD recorder just for her to use on the plane, wtih her own songs to listen to, it can help tune out the noise ont he plane if she begins to become upset by it all.

Be willing to allow others to hold your son, so you can keep your attention on her. They are not going to hurt him in public and where are they going on the plane? So allow someone who offers to help, to help, even if it's to distract her by talking to her.

The day of the flight, try to have the flight either be shortly after they would ahve eaten breakfast or right after dinner. Those seem to be the two easiest times of days for a child to relax on a plane, afternoons they just want to be up and going and running. Have another adult watching the kids for you while you get bags checked in and inline for the flight. This can cut back on both their stress and yours. If you nurse, try to have the baby nursed no more then 30 minutes before you board, at four months, this should cause him to wake to sleep most of the flight. Thus keeping you free to keep busy your daughter. My landlord is a nursing expert, meaning she helps mothers who are having problems nursing and teachings them tricks that help. One is about planes, and it's the trick of delaying the feeding a little while if you can, so that you nurse just before getting on the plane, so the baby will be more inclined to sleep most of the flight. As far as drinks you can take on the flgihts, I know that keeps changing, so find out if you use bottles, if you can take them on the flight. If not, you'll have to feed him just before boarding and then dump the bottle. Make sure whomever is picking you up, has a nice drink waiting for the eighteen month old and a fresh bottle for your son, soon as they get off the plane. They'll need it and it will help with that part of the trip, if they still are not allowing bottles on planes. Check the Company you are flying with, such as Southwest. They all post a list of things that are not allowed. Make sure not to have any as this will get you through the line fast. I know there is a lot that isn't allowed.

I understand your not wanting to fly, becuase it can be stressful with two little ones, but it is duable.

You can leave a four month old if they use a bottle or both nurse and use a bottle. I took care of a friends 3 week old granddaughter for one week and she was fine. If you are married to this man, you better be able to trust him with the baby or it's going to be a sad marriage. He may feel uncomfortable if he hasn't taken on that type of responsibility, so start no. Go out intentionally and leave him alone with your son and daughter for a couple of hours until he can do it and feel comfortable. Then spend a night away with him and the son alone. He can do it, most guys can, they just don't have it expected of them. IF you only nurse, then you are right, he can't be left with dad, while you are away, he'd have to come with you.

Your father is also unrealistic. Why can't they come out to see you all; it's much easier for them to fly and to be away from home, then it is for a mother with two babies, I assume both are still in diapers.

I do think it's weired that he didn't want to see the new baby. I would be careful if I were you. Something isn't right there. Wanting just to see your daughter; I know grandparents good and bad ones. The good ones want to see new babies, always, the bad ones not so much.

Why can't your husband fly with you to visit? That could solve much of the problem for you.

Don't blame the step mom so readily, I've seen me blame the wife for their choices one to many times. So she may not be the one saying they won't fly out there, it may be him and he's just saying it's her.

It comes down to this. You are the mom; your the one who knows how hard it is or isn't for you to take care of two little ones day in and day out. If you are not comfortable flying with them, don't go. If they care enough, they'll get their butts on the plane and fly out to see your whole family before your husband is deployed.

If you have to, be mean. Just say, I do not feel good about flying, I'm not going to do it, I'd love to see you, but you'll have to come to see us. Also, just say, I want as much time with my husband before he deploys as possible.

If it were me and I wanted to fly but didn't want to do it alone. I'd tell them, you pay for a friend to come with me, then I'll come. That way my friend would be there to help with my children and if I wanted time out with the adults, my friend whom I'd trust could be there to tend. They want you to come badly enough, they are going to work it out so that it's right for you.

DO WHAT YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT DOING; as an adult you can't please everyone and sometimes others will be upset with your choices.

Best of luck!