How to deal with a friend who can't take a hint...?

Question

I have a friend who is way too clingy to the point where I would consider ending the friendship. I have known her for almost 2 years. From day one she has acted like we were better friends than we actually are. She is a likeable person but just can't seem to figure out that my life does not revolve around her. I have 2 kids & am married. I honestly don't have the time, nor am I interested in talking on the phone with her everyday or seeing her several times a week. We honestly don't have a whole lot in common & she has personality traits that really get on my nerves.She calls a few times a day, almost everyday. She drops by all the time. Invites herself to stay for dinner. She can't seem to solve even the simplest of problems & is co-dependant on me. She has to call me about everything from a disagreement w/ her husband to telling me about a dream that she had. I'm honestly sick of it. I rarely answer the phone when she calls now. I know it sounds mean but she is driving me crazy!

I don't view this is a healthy relationship for either one of us. She has actually shown up places when she knew I would be there. One day I casually mentioned that my family & I were going to Home Depot. she showed up there after her therapy session to discuss with me what she discussed w/ her therapist. I think she may be drawn to me becasue I was a therapist before I became a sahm.

Answer 1

From your phrasing ("from day one..") it appears this woman does not understand proper relationship boundaries. Be polite but FIRM:

1) Your husband and kids must come first and you must be allowed to have "family time". Tell her that you like to spend time with her but it needs to be on an INVITATION BASIS. She CANNOT be allowed to "just drop by" anymore. If nothing else, tell her you didn't plan for extra dinner guests and you don't have the extra food!

2) If you don't have an answering machine, invest in one and USE IT. The really important calls can be called back, the ones you either prefer not to take at all won't. Not every time she calls you is it critical to talk with her...whining about hubby is definitely one of those unless he's doing something SERIOUSLY wrong (physical/emotional abuse).

3) If someone among your friends or acquaintances has more in common with the irritating woman , you might try ALL getting together sometime. When your pest has someone that they "click with" better they may be able to develop a HEALTHY relationship with that person.

Answer 2

You were a therapist and don't know how to cool this "relationship" off? Well, stop dropping hints. Sit her down and tell her the truth. If you are going to allow her any visiting rights, then you set the rules.
How many times a week she may visit.
Cut off the telephone calls to the number you are comfortable with. Add the system to your phone, so you know it's her calling, and if you don't want to answer, switch her to the answering machine. After a few times of not returning her calls, then tell her you don't appreciate be harassed by constant phone calls.
When she showed up at Home Depot, I would have told her that you are busy now, and will chat with her LATER.

Get the point? YOU take charge, don't whine and complain on Q&A, you already know the answer. If we say any less to you, then we are enabling you. Don't enable her.

Often the only thing left is to totally break off this acquaintance, which sounds the healthiest outcome for both of you. And, just so you know. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

Answer 3

OMG!! Been there and done that just recently. I know exactly how you are feeling. What I did was cut her off and she got the hint. I couldn't take it anymore. She had no life and tried to butt in mine. I tried to talk to her a couple of times but it didn't work. She just became a pest and I wanted to poke my eyeballs out!!! Just cut off all communication with her or tell her how you are feeling (if you feel the friendship is worth it.) The truth hurts but must be told. Personally, I feel relieved since I cut her off. I was getting absolutely nothing from the relationship.

Answer 4

Well, this person is exactly what I would be if I weren't a recluse.
You are doing her no favors if you do not tell her, much less yourself.
As a true friend, you need to tell her that she needs to develop some independence.
Keep your conversation less about yourself at first. Make it about the help she needs to be her own person.
Then you can tell her that she needs to learn boundaries, to let people alone a bit, to solve her own problems.
Tell her that you are concerned that her behavior will not only drive you away, but future friends that she will make.
Really, this one falls as much into the category of "Not letting your friend walk around with her skirt tucked into her stockings" as it does into the "What to do to take care of yourself" category.

Answer 5

This person obviously admires you and cares for you a great deal. You could try talking to her and let her know that her behavior makes you feel uncomfortable. You might also recommend for her some counseling, where hopefully she can learn some skills that will help her to do better at relationships.

Answer 6

just keep putting her off. I surely don't suggest anything mean or cruel, but I understand, I have a similar situation. Hopefully, she will eventually get the hint. Just make sure to never have time for her. I hope she isn't a neighbor. Oh and the just dropping by thing: you have to tell her she can't do that.

Answer 7

Maybe you should stop hinting and communicate clearly to her what you are thinking. If you keep leading her on without telling her, then her behavior is sure to continue unchanged and that's as much your fault as it is hers.