bad family ties?

Question

my sister has had 4 kids in 5 yrs. the last was just born in aug. so theres the 1 mon old, the 1 yr old (shell b 2 in oct) the 3 yr old and the 4 yr old (5 in oct). she was married for about 2 yrs now getting a divorce. she has no job. lives off of her child support of about $450/ mo and $600 food stamps/ mo. she lives in a low income housing development and pays rent of $95/ mo. (w/ EVERYTHING included) her kids have little to no structure at all. she cant cook doesnt clean. my mother has to take care of everything for her. she cant even manage to pay her rent and has to barrow money. it has gotten so bad that i have had to move in w/ my mother to hlep her w/ bills and money bc she went so far into debt helping my sister. i work full time and go to school for my RN i am also engaged. my fiance lives in germany so he stays w/ us when he visits (he visits ever 3-12 wks and stays about 3 months) my sister is here constantly. she comes in the morning and stays till 10 or 11 if she goes

home at all...then after she leaves we have to try to clean and fix everything from the day bc she wont do ANYTHING. she wants to lay on the couch and sleep or sit and smoke watching tv. my fiance cant take anymore. and hima nd her have begin arguing. he wants me to get my own place but i hate to leave my mom. w/ my help shes finally getting back to her good fiancial status. but he cant stand my sis and her kids. we let them here to b sure the kids r taken care of. and it has caused him and i to argue im torn. what should i do? he doesnt even want to b here w/ me bc of her and it makes me so angry he wants me to go there but i cant bc of work and school.

she is my sister and i want to help her but i wish shed help herself. and i love him and i want to make him happy but he wants me to push away my sister. the kids dont even bother him as much as she does. and they r really really good kids when shes not around. what should i do? otherwise what do i do?! i dont want to have to choose between my family and my fiance!

Answer 1

your sister has made a mess of her life and your mother enabled her and with you staying with your mom you are also becoming an enabler! This is your time to have a life and I think you should listen to you fiance and get away from them while you still can breathe, don't think for a minute that your sister wants you to succeed it sounds as if she is trying to damage your relationship with your fiance misery loves company and she would love to see you saddled down with 2 or 3 kids, no job, no man! I say run and run as fast as you can!

Answer 2

I can see your problem. Stuck between obligation and love. You should try to talk to your mom. I don't believe in taking children away from their parents but in some cases it is needed. You have to think of the kids first. Do what you can to help like you have been and don't turn your back on your mother. she needs you! You should also tell your man that you love him but your family has to come first! Your sister may have a depression problem or something else wrong with her, Or she could just be lazy but either way it doesn't sound like shes doing a very good job with you nieces and nephews. Get them help now before they end up just like her! They learn from what they see and if they see her just sitting there wasting her life away then they will think its OK for them to do the same when they get older. You don't want that for them or you wouldn't be helping at all. Instead of being a good sister and daughter be a good aunt.

Answer 3

Your sister is a grown woman. She has made some choices in her life that has no one has held her responsible for. Once you have children, you need to learn to take of them. I am all for getting state HELP to get you back on your feet, but that's all it should be- HELP. It should not be a lifestyle.
It's not so much that she doesn't know how to cook or clean- that can be taught. It is more that it doesn't sound like she cares. The only way she may start to care is if someone calls Child Protective Services and reports her for not taking care of her children. Then she won't have a choice.
It is ultimately up to you whether you stay with your fiancee or not. However, I don't blame him for not wanting to be around you and your family right now. Your sister is a mess in all senses of the word. Your mother is enabling her. And you, well, you can't take yourself out of it, and you need to. You need to decide who is more important- you and your happiness in life or your sister and her misery. If it was me, it wouldn't be a question. I would pick my own happiness over someone else's.

Answer 4

The problem here is your sister. She is a grown woman, that chose to have children. She has got to stand on her own two feet and take care of her problems.
Your mother needs to learn the word No otherwise your sister is never going to grow up and learn to be independent.
If you are worried about the children, report her to child protective services.
Why does your sister think she can lay on her butt and do nothing while you and your mother work so hard? Why are you letting her get by with it?
I know it is hard and I know you do it for the kids but in the long run, you aren't helping them at all. You are enabling their mother to be a bum!
Is she using drugs? Sounds like drug addict behavior.

Answer 5

Nothing P's me off more than women having children that they cannot take care of nor want to. I am sick of working my *** off, paying my taxes so these women can sit on their lazy butts and not work. She didn't need all those kids and it sounds like she didn't plan on them in the first place. Tell your mom to put a foot up your sister's ***! Don't let her come over and lay around all day neglecting her kids. Sounds like she comes over so you guys can take over the responsibilities for her. MAKE her take care of the kids. If she won't then call social services so they do checks on her. She has to be made to get a grip on life. Tell her to stop popping out kids, there is such a thing as birth control! Your boyfriend is right. Get out. It is great you helped your mom, but your mom is a grown adult. She also needs to get a grip if she is putting up with this crap from sis. You are starting a life with someone, don't blow it because of sis's irresponsibility.

Answer 6

Your sister has made horrible life choices and has poor character. The fact that your mother is trying to fix it is what 'allows' your sister to continue in her quest to make bad and selfish choices. The fact that you have offered to help your mother is supporting the fact that she is supporting your sister....I think your fiance is correct. It is not your job to rescue your sister, or you will be dragged down by her the REST OF YOUR LIFE.....perhaps the fact that you can't clearly see that shows that you aren't ready to be a fiance and get married? Move out, get your own place, and figure out in your budget how much you can comfortably give your Mom, and do that. Tell her that you will continue to do that until you get married, upon which time you will be focusing on your life and your family. You are not obligated to 'pay' for everyone elses poor choices.

Answer 7

You're going to have to do something eventually. What do you expect to do when you get married, have your husband move in with you and your mother to help support her as well. While I'm all for supporting your family, someone needs to step in and tell your sister to grow up and take on some responsibility. Be supportive and help her find a job. Neither you nor your mother should have to support her. The only way she'll probably wise up and face reality is if your mother completely stops helping her out. She'll, your sister, finally realise that she has to actually do things for herself. And I know your mom is going to say "I can't do that to her" (my brother-in-law is the same way, but without the kids: no job, no life, mentally unstable, mommy pays his rent and buys him groceries). But its the only way to make your sister "get the point'

Answer 8

this is a tough situation you need to start makin sis realize what all the family does for her and let her know that even with all those kids she can still better herself with education. have mom fake a serious illness or take a secret trip away without sis knowing about it like go stay with a distant relative so sis can see what ya'll do for her. sounds impractical i know but it might work and show her that mom is not her doormat altho I'm sure mom just wants to do whats best for the grand babies. it is time for some HARD LOVE good luck

Answer 9

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I mean why should you ignore your own happiness, don't we all have the right to have a life? As long as your family continues to cater to your sister instead of making her be responsible for her self, and stand on her own two feet, then this is what you have to look forward to. You are trying to make a life for yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your sister chose the life that she has, and she is going to have to step up and handle her own business. It is not your responsibility to take care of her, and just because she is your sister does not make you obligated to cater to her. As far as the rest of the family, either they are going to let her live and take care of herself, or they will continue to be her crutch. You are trying to make your own way, and she should do the same. Not saying for you to choose over your family, but you can love them from a distance and not be so involved with all the nonsense.

Answer 10

I know this is hard, but take your fiance's advice and get out. Your mother chose to help and now she has to live with her decision and your sister needs to grow up. You can't always help. You need to make a life for yourself. Trust me, my boyfriend and I are making that same decison to leave and get our own apartment because we want his sister to learn that she should have payed the $300 a month, instead of freeloading us and buying a new car instead of paying rent. She has a three year old, which is why this is so hard for us. We don't want to see them homeless, but her parents have got to learn to take care of themselves.